I spent my whole life pretending that everything is fine when it wasn't (sexual abuse)

Ghost_76 · ‎14-12-2017

I'm new to this. Just needed to talk to someone... anyone... need to know I'm not crazy

Birdy77 · ‎25-01-2018

Hello my friend xo

It was so good to get your message last night. It made me happy to hear that you see me as a friend even though we've never met. I totally feel the same way.

I understand that thing you're doing, avoiding people. I do that too ... just wanting to block out the world. It's very understandable. You have a lot going through your head at the moment, it's no wonder you feel all over the place.

I felt glad to hear you have plans for the weekend at the beach, but it is going to be severely challenging being in the apartment with your mother. Gosh, i am hoping that when she leaves (one week to go?) that you will be able to let loose a bit and that you will be able to start working through some of this deep anguish and pain, start tending to the wounded little girl inside.

I have no words of wisdom for you today my friend, for i am struggling ... i had a massive cry last night which was good, one of those big ones, got in the shower and kept sobbing until i had nothing left. Then tucked up in bed with a movie. I have this big rock of sadness and anxiety lodged inside me.

Anyway Ghosty girl, my words aren't really coming out today, this has taken me an age to write! so I'm not much use here today. I just really wanted to say thank you for posting back to me and for your lovely words of friendship, it made my night last night when i needed it 😙

🌻birdy

Ghost_76 · ‎25-01-2018

Hey Birdy - Sorry to hear that you are struggling - want to talk about it? I get that "rock" of sadness and anxiety. Sort of gets stuck in your throat. I'm hoping that you are feeling better today, my friend.

Birdy77 · ‎26-01-2018

Hey Ghosty,

I am wishing for you a weekend in which you can feel a sense of refreshment.

I hope you can get your body into the ocean and feel it refreshing your spirit.

Put yourself in that reflective peace bubble when you're confined with your mother.

Sending you bubbles of bliss to shower you with serenity for the weekend.

I think i will go to the beach too and i will be trying to focus on really being there, in the moment, so there's no room in that moment for my troubles. Mindfulness. Wishing that for you as well my friend.

🌻birdy

Ghost_76 · ‎27-01-2018

Thanks Birdy. I had a good day yesterday. I'm spending a lot of time just watching the ocean. So good. Went for a swim too - just as good.

I just wanted to thank you for all your advice, support and friendship.

I decided to quit the forum... I probably opened up way more than I should have. I've shared a lot of my dark feelings that I should've kept to myself.

This long term support over the journey is just not meant to be. I'll try and figure this out by myself.

Thank you so much for everything and for being such an awesome friend. I wish you only the best 😊🌹🌹

Birdy77 · ‎28-01-2018

Dear Ghosty,

I am so glad you had a good day and spent sometime swimming and looking at that big ocean. I am very happy that had some moments of feeling good and refreshed 😊.

I felt sad when you said you will quit the forums, but i understand. I will miss you. But whatever works for you is the most important thing, and go courageously in the direction that feels right and safe and good for you.

I wish for you much peace and a way of gaining happiness despite your heartaches and pain.

I had been thinking about your questions from your long post on the previous page, but this week has been rough for me, and I'm afraid i wasn't much help the last several days and I have had a sad weekend. Not sure if you will even read this, but i hope you feel you can come back here and talk more in the future if you would like some support.

I've loved talking to you and i will miss you.

Wishing you all the peace and happiness my friend xo

🌻birdy

Birdy77 · ‎22-07-2018

Hello friend 😊

I doubt you read here anymore.

But I've been thinking of you.

Wondering how you are.

That's all.

Love,

🌻birdy xo

Ghost_76 · ‎06-08-2018

Hey, Birdy.

I check in every now and again, but I was trying to cope on my own... It didn't work out for me that well. I'm back in hospital for the 3rd time this year and I'm afraid that I'm in a fair bit of trouble this time around. I had to make a choice to come in or they would've admitted me involuntary . My head is not in a good space and it just seems like I can't get my head above water, once again. I feel like a total failure. I'm just so tired of fighting and all I can think off is just ending it all. I only cause pain and suffering to those around me. I had so many new memories pop up and finding it really hard to deal with everything.

How are you, my friend?

Croix · ‎06-08-2018

Dear Ghost 76~

It can be easy to take a step and then withdraw. Trying by yourself then opening up can seem a mistake, but I doubt it is. You have opened up here and while I hardly ever post to you I do draw comfort from the talk between you and Birdy.

Birdy's concern for you, and your responses with kindness and care give me hope, hope that if I get right down again part of me will still be human and worth dealing with - dunno if that makes sense.

So the pair of you are an inspiration, thank you.

I hope by now your mother has returned overseas, one hassle less for you.

Croix

Birdy77 · ‎07-08-2018

Dearest Ghost ❤ (hello dear Croix),

To say I was happy to see a post from you would be a huge understatement. I have been thinking of you, and have wanted to message you many times but didn't want to pressure you in any way. I am so glad you have reached out ❤

I am really sorry to hear your head is not in a good space. Having all those new memories pop up would make keeping your head above water even harder, like the waves keep crashing over you. I can understand wanting to tackle things yourself, sometimes it's just too much ...

So i think it sounds like a good thing, that you are in hospital and being cared for there. I can understand your feelings of failure, but being in there and having a rest from the day to day pressures I think is what you need right now. It's enough trying to deal with the turmoil inside you. Sometimes taking a temorary rest from life is needed ... are you able to stay in there long?

I have been ok, down the rabbit hole a few times here and there ... but all ok really.

It's so feral and windy here, so it's not ocean-going weather, but I know you love watching the ocean and swimming in it, and I wonder if you can imagine this time that you in hospital as a though you are in the water, in a calm bubble of safety, just floating, buoyed up by the care you are receiving there, the healing waters lapping gently around you.

I am here gently squeezing your hand, ready to listen any time. I have really missed you.

Sending you lots of love through the airwaves to where you are right now.

From your friend,

🌻birdy xo

Ghost_76 · ‎07-08-2018

Thanks for your post, Criox. My mother has gone home and I have not have contact with her since. I'm pretty sure that you are an amazing person.

Birdy, my dear friend, whom I never met, but I feels like your definitely a kindred spirit and a very close and special friend. I'm glad to hear that you are doing okay.

Today is not my best day... I had a meltdown and found myself sitting under the shower sobbing, until staff came and gave an ice pack (very helpful by the way for a panic attack) and some meds to calm me down. My night was spent with nightmares and it just became too much today. Now I just feel empty. I can't think straight at the moment. All I can think of is that I just want everything to end. This sadness inside me feels like it's going to choke me and the feeling that I can't do this anymore grows stronger and for the first time, it really scares me... I've been here almost a week. The last time I spent 8 weeks here... This time I'm going to miss my son's birthday. What type of mother am I???? I just don't know anymore...