I spent my whole life pretending that everything is fine when it wasn't (sexual abuse)

[Ghost_76]

I'm new to this. Just needed to talk to someone... anyone... need to know I'm not crazy

[Birdy77]

Hey Ghosty girl,

Firstly, i really hope you stick around. I really care about you. I look forward to hearing from you and i care about your story and your journey.

I read the posts from today over on the other thread, and I'm sorry that happened.

I would say try not to take the moderation thing personally, and sometimes i think threads get blurred with their intentions or whatevs. It wasn't just you, i think the tone of the thread had changed ... i dunno, I'm pretty new here and don't know the ins and outs, but please don't worry too much. You haven't ruined anything.

I, on the other hand, poured another wine or two after messaging you yesterday and then made a complete dog's breakfast of another member's thread. So yeah You're doing fine 😉.

Maybe for now, it might be better to talk about your feelings more in this thread.

Which I'm glad you have done. Your mother. .... reminds me soooo much of my father. The personal space!!!

Omg! Whenever i have to go into public with my father, it is cringeworthy. He invades my space awfully and he talks about other members of the public so loudly, criticising their weight, clothes, whatever, but they can hear him!!! He's hard of hearing so thinks he's whispering omg.

I just really really feel for you ... and 2 months having your mother in your face is a long time, i can't believe you haven't run screaming from the house.

I am glad you took yourself outside last night. That was looking after yourself, a theme we've been touching on the last few weeks, so: Well Done.

I am absolutely fine, but am feeling very anxious at the moment and I'm kinda ashamed at the reason.

I won't go into specifics just now, you have enough on your plate my friend.

However, I'll say this: i am anticipating some really bad news about one of my brothers, probably an advanced stage cancer with short life expectancy.

This is very upsetting for me, but there's intense anxiety surrounding this news because i have a completely broken family, and have a situation similar to what you would have faced when you attended your father's funeral. Siblings i have not seen or talked to in years, for instance.

It is making me sick to my stomach. I am dreading everything. I am not sure how to face the whole thing and i wondered what strategies you used when you had to brave the tigers.

It's probably the completely wrong time to ask you this.

Apart from that, please vent more and please keep talking to me my friend

xo

🌻birdy

[Birdy77]

And isn't that interesting that you find comfort and peace in the thought of the beach and ocean, but paradoxically feel like you're drowning. "Interesting" is probably the lamest word ever, considering how you're feeling, but maybe your subconscious is seeking that which brings you comfort.

That makes sense in my head, and i may have said something deep there, or possibly something quite stupid.

Either way, it doesn't take your pain away.

However, i found it very interesting, what you said about the imagery surrounding your pain (drowning in an ocean) and what you desire in real life (a visit to the ocean) to perhaps bring some peace and relief.

Analyse that!!!

xo

[Ghost_76]

Hi Birdy. Sorry to hear about your the thing that makes you feel anxious... When I went back for the funeral- I tried really hard to focus on coming home. Thinking of the good things that's at home. I also had music - because it's a somber atmosphere , no-one hassles you about having earphones in. And the all time favorite... smile and nod. Sorry, I know that probably doesn't help.

Take a deep breath and just believe in yourself. You got this... you are strong and amazing, my friend xx

[Ghost_76]

I’ve done a lot of thinking about this… I became weak and I opened up – allowed all this darkness inside me to come out. I’ll be lying if I said it didn’t make things a little better. Obviously I chose the wrong place to do it – that’s on me.

But, that’s the thing with life and most of society (doctors, therapist and some people around you) they actually don’t want to know what is going on inside of you. They don’t want to hear how low you really are – they don’t want to hear that suicidal thoughts are constantly running around your brain. I’m told that my emotions is a choice… this makes me feel extremely guilty, because obviously I’m not choosing happiness… it’s not that I don’t want to – I just don’t know where that happiness is anymore. Doesn’t really matter… I’ll stick my feelings and emotions back where they belong – inside of me. I’ll smile and say whatever people want to hear. I’ll think my dark thoughts and battle my demons the way I’ve always done it – ALONE. I won’t mention SH or suicidal thoughts - that way I can fit in. Sunshine and Unicorns… smile and nod.

[Ghost_76]

Far out – another apology… I just want to make clear that people on BB have been nothing but fantastic. I’m sorry, but my head is a bit all over the place today. My mind is not settling today.

Something was said to me today and it made me think a lot. I’m not a very trusting person, but somehow I opened up on this site… the only problem is that I then also opened up a bit more to other people and THAT came back to bite me in the backside…

I feel guilty… I feel extremely guilty about DB’s thread. I feel guilty for feeling depressed. I feel guilty for not being happy. I feel guilty for not being able to control my emotions. I feel guilty for not being normal. I feel guilty about SHing. I feel guilty for not being able to cope with everything. I feel guilty for talking too much – sharing too much. I feel guilty about my past… I feel guilty for not being able to handle my triggers better. I know I’m not that child anymore, but that doesn’t mean I don’t experience that fear, pain and shame very vividly.

So much guilt… it’s weighing very heavy on me. I never asked for any of this. I never asked for him to come into my room and do the things he did – I should’ve stopped it immediately, but I didn’t and that is something I have to live with.

It’s weird watching them go on with their normal life – me? I’m stuck in the past – I don’t want to be there, but it is so hard to get out. It’s hard to escape all that darkness…

So with all of this – I ask myself why? Why do I keep fighting and that’s the problem, I don’t know anymore. Listening to people around me – watching them – I’m pretty sure they would be better off without me dragging them down. It would be better if I shut shut down and keep everyting to myself. They do not need my darkness.

[Birdy77]

Hey my friend xo

I won't be able to address everything you've said in this post now, but i will get back to you i promise, just want to write to you real quick ...

Please don't shut down.

You have nothing to feel guilty about Ghost. You don't need to feel guilty about anything here on bb. DBs thread always deals with dark stuff, but i guess the people behind the scenes need to sometimes redirect themes in threads becauseof new members or visitors to the site expecting one thing (eg. "Why not?" as in wanting inspiration for why not to go ahead with ending it), but Sophie did say to use our own threads to vent and get the darkness out.

Please please please don't be discouraged. You said it's helping to get it out, get it off your chest, have this support network ... i hope you stay. The moderators sometimes need to do housekeeping like that, I've seen it on other threads and please don't feel bad about anything, you haven't done anything wrong!

Ghost i have so many things i want to say to you. You said you're not that child anymore, and of course you're not, but when they say that when trauma like that happens we can get stuck in those feelings we had that age at which it happened, & like you said, you still feel that fear, shame and guilt very vividly.

I feel like whisking you away to the beach and swimming with you in the ocean to refresh your spirit.

Please stay. You mean a lot to me.

I will write more later, but please continue venting here, that is what this space is for my friend, for venting, and moral support. You have your offline supports in place too, as much as you've been able: your gp, therapist (such as she is), hubby (i know you hold back there too), and your friend at work.

Here for you ... i am here for you.

❤❤❤

🌻birdy

[Birdy77]

Morning Ghost,

I wanted to say Thank you for your advice as well. I love it for its simplicity and clarity. What you said makes absolute sense because they are things that I can control. All else is out of my grasp.

I liked what you said. I get myself worked up into a tizzy by things and your clear and simple advice brought me calm. And thanks for believing in me.

Thank you ❤

How are you today? What's going through that head of yours?

xo

🌻birdy.

[Birdy77]

Hey Ghosty girl,

Are you ok?

Do you want to talk about what happened yesterday when you said something happened to bite you in your butt?

I'm thinking of you and hope to hear from you soon.

xo

🌻 birdy

[Ghost_76]

Hey Birdy.

How are you, my lovely friend? It's funny - we've never met, but I still see you as a friend.

I'm glad that what I said helped a bit.

Sorry I took so long to reply. I tried to formulate my thoughts... I'm not sure how I'm doing... at the moment I'm avoiding people. Went to work today and spent 99% of the day with music in my ears. Skipped breakfast and lunch. I don't know if I'm up or down, left or right - don't know if I want to live or die...

We're going to the beach this weekend... mixed emotions... ocean.... and stuck with my mother in an apartment...

Enough about me... tell me about you. How are you? Tell me anything if you want to.

Thanks, Birdy. I think you are an amazing person with a heart of gold xx

[Ghost_76]

I’ve been thinking a lot lately and here’s my question… Can anyone explain to me why I’m back to dealing with my childhood abuse when I thought it was done and buried. Why, when I close my eyes at night I’m having vivid memories of my brother and his nightly visits. Why I’m back to remembering everything that happened and why some things I’ve forgotten about is back to haunt me.
I’ve been told I need to leave what happened in the past – believe me I’m all for leaving it in the past. I don’t want to think about it or remember it, but can anyone explain to me why it keeps on coming back. After about 6 years of abuse and self-harm I finally told someone. Only that someone believed me – nobody else did… So, I closed up and locked it away – did what was expected of me – pretend it never happened. Had several suicide attempts, but I was a kid and I was pathetic…(I don’t know if I’m allowed to say this – if not I apologise).
Then as an adult something happened to me again and I went into a total meltdown. Deep depression, self-harm, suicide attempts… I was diagnosed (and I said this before) with PTSD and major depression. Now, I thought that I dealt with all of that baggage then… But maybe not – people wanted me to get over it, so I did. Maybe I just answered my own question.

I don’t know… I’m back in that cycle again – the past back to haunt me. I know you probably think that I’m not trying, but believe me I am. I don’t want to feel like this. Just tell me… someone – anyone – how do I get rid of these memories? Maybe I just leave them… maybe it will pass again… maybe just lock them away again. I’ve able to manage that in the past. Smile and nod. Yes thank you I am fine… Let this time bomb build up in me. Tell people what they want to hear.

So this is me trying to get out of this dark place I find myself again. Can anyone PLEASE tell me how to put this behind me once and for all. I don't want to remember anymore. How do I deal with my anger towards my mother that is consuming me at the moment? I'm sorry if I'm rambling and repeating myself - my head is such a mess. I'm sorry if I'm over stepping and saying the wrong things. I'm sorry about everything. I'm sorry for not coping better - it seems like that's all I do lately - apologise to the people around me.