I so lonely 😭 and I am tired of this

[Unicorndogge]

I don’t know how to start this but I am sick and tired of having no one to talk to and nothing to do. I sit at home and just do written jobs. No one even cares if I sit on my own all day.I have tried to talk to people that i went to school with but none of them have even showed any interest, I am so desperate. I cry myself to sleep most nights I can’t sleep because what’s the point. I am good at nothing which makes me un- useful. None of this youth groups can help me and my consular doesn’t know how to help either. I am so scared of what I have become, 20 and I have no friends or job even worse no one likes me. I just think what is the point of living when there is nothing to live for, this is cruel world. If anyone is reading this I am not forcing you to answer but if you do Thankyou very much.

[Unicorndogge]

Hi tim

Well what’s stopping me is that I am scared because every single thing I have done before this hasn’t changed anything. I don’t have autism that bad I talk fine but the problem is that once people figure out something is different with me they don’t want anything to do with me.

I want to get out but I don’t know what’s going to work for me.

[Aaronsis]

Hello Unicorndogge

I just wanted to say something about "NORMAL", I am not really sure that any of us are "normal" everyone has something that they are not sure of, or not happy with, or think people judge them for, I understand that with autism you might feel that people judge you, perhaps they do, but that is on them, and not to be taken on by you..if that makes sense. You are perfect the way you are and you love you the way you are. You have every right to go out there into that world and try new things, meet new people and have a happy life. It might start with just one small thing to get you out of the house and to meet some new people. Just one step,then another step.

I can hear how overwhelmed you are and I am so very sorry that you are feeling so very sad and alone. It really is tough.

I just also wanted to say about your comment "I just want to get out but I don't know what is going to work for me"..the thing is, if you never give it a go, you will never know...I think all of us have to try to do something a little scary or try something new, if it doesn't work that is fine, but it might be amazing and you have found something you love to do.

You are so worth it, you are not worthless or hopeless at all. I think another thing is sometimes we have to be a little bit vulnerable and put ourselves out there, if people don't like us that is fine, but some people will like us, and they are the ones you hold dear. If you dont get out there though, you will never know.

Huge hugs

Sarah xx

[Unicorndogge]

Hi Sarah

I am sick of dreaming and that’s all I got.i dream that I have friends and have fun and even someone that loves me. I have tried things, I went to tafe, and even these social things and not one thing has done me any good. Their is no hope for me and I am just a waste of space. I don’t see the point anymore. This is the only thing that people talk to me on and are nice.

i am not sure what I like, but I know that I like to learn new things but I have never been good at one of them which sucks coz I want to be useful but everything I try I suck. I took up knitting recently but because I am left handed it’s hard to learn so idk.

The thing is that I don’t see who’s going to want to be my friend when no one does now, even so I always make mistakes and sometimes I don’t know what I have done wrong and I hate myself for that. I have tried to mix in with other people that have autism but I feel because I am very high functioning that I don’t relate to them very well.

Thankyou for the hugs I really appreciate them💜 

[Sophie_M]

Hi Unicorndogge,

I'm really glad that you're reaching out on the forums. I'm sorry that you're going through a hard time, but you're not alone in those feelings. With the right treatment and support, things can get better. We have sent you a private message with some more support if you need it.

We're all here for you,

Sophie  

[Aaronsis]

Hey Hayley, it is lovely to know your name.

It is so very hard, very hard to be a young person these days and I am talking to others here too with the very similar story to yours, you are not alone and you are not worthless, it is hard, to connect and to make friends and to have the courage to keep trying and trying when all you feel is rejected and hopeless.

You are a young, 20 year old woman and you want what every person does, some friends and someone to care and someone to love you. That is mostly what we all want in this life so you are not foolish for wanting that too, the fact that you have autism is no way going to impact the person who you meet when they are the right person for you. It does take time, however you have to get out there to find them...so, how are we going to do that? I think that some time out of the house and away from your thoughts and your dad's girlfriend would be really good for you. How would you feel about trying for a part time job to start with, I know that sounds scary but there are jobs you can do that you don't have to be in the face of customer service but still meet people. This will also help in that you will have some cash of your own too. You just never know who is out there waiting to meet you Hayley and you deserve happiness, so go grab it girl!

I know you wrote "every single thing I have done before this hasn’t changed anything"..so let's try some new things??? I know it might seem scary but I will be here to help you through and to chat and support you Hayley, one step at a time, one foot then another foot infront of the other.

There is hope and there is so much for you in the future and it is not always going to feel this bad, that I know.

Huge hugs Hayley as always

Sarah xxx

[Unicorndogge]

Hi Sarah

I want to get out of this house and find something that’s right but getting out of here is hard. My dads girlfriend wants to know everything I do and I have no privacy whatsoever she checks what I do on my phone so I always delete my browsing history. She takes my phone of me for no reason then I cannot do anything she leaves me, she says she cares but if she did she wouldn’t just leave me everyday with nothing do to but clean the house. I really do want to get away from her and I have even thought of going homeless if I had to.

i wish I could stop the thoughts from happening but I can’t they help me go to sleep, I just wish it was real sometimes even though what I think about is unrealistic.

well I am trying to get a part time job, I had a meeting yesterday with a lady that might be able to help me but I am not sure just yet if it will work. My dad and his girlfriend thinks I am too dumb to be able to keep a job maybe their right there is nothing practically useful about me.

i don’t know how many more new things they are. Not around here anyway I live in a touristy place.

everyone says it’s going to get better but if it was it would have improved by now. But I guess we just gotta keep going but I don’t know how much longer I can hold on.

[Aaronsis]

Hey Hayley

That is pretty unfair that at 20 years old you don't have some privacy on your phone. Do you feel like this is something that you could ask next time she asks for your phone? It could be very polite and quiet and something like "I was just wondering what it is that you are wanting my phone for have I done something to cause a problem?" then perhaps she will say why she wants the phone to which you might say "I understand what you are saying but I feel like I don't have any privacy". Have a think about that and see how you feel. If you are not doing anything to cause alarm, which I am sure you are not, I am not sure why she needs to see that. Also I feel it should be your dad not her that is checking...just a thought.

That is really rough that you are left to do the housework. Are you expected to do all the work? Does your dad and his girlfriend chip in too?

I wish every bit of my being that this job comes through for you, it would be great for you to get out and about and to mix with some new people and have a sense of purpose and make you feel good about yourself. Also perhaps tire you out a bit too which will help with the sleeping. I am so sorry that you feel like your dad thinks you are dumb, that is really hurtful Hayley and I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Just a thought but is there some other family that you have you could stay with? Even just for awhile to get some confidence and get away from the current environment?

Things really can get better Hayley and tomorrow really can look different to today. You need a break and some positive things in your life and I think that will make a huge difference to you. Please hold on, I hear how tired you are and my heart breaks for you. You are such a delightful person and I wish everything wonderful for you.

Hugs and more hugs

Sarah

[Unicorndogge]

Hi Sarah

I know why she wants to check my phone it’s my fault, she’s just trying to protect me from what happened 3 years ago. I don’t like what happened and I never meant for it to happen but I was pretty vulnerable when it did. And I did it again but that was because I was lonely 😔 but I stopped doing it last year. I don’t really want to explain what I did because it will make me look even stupider.

i am left to do most of the house work, I have tried to ask my dad to help me but he just goes out spearfishing or surfing he does cook however. My dads girlfriend is at work all day so when she comes home she is all tried and grumpy.

i don’t know how long it’s going to take to get things sorted but I hope it’s soon. It’s really hard to just fake your happy with things. I have to do everyday otherwise if I don’t they will start arguing with me.

I have my nan that lives up the coast and that’s about it. I had to live with my nan for 2 years when I was 15,16. And I just caused problems so there is no way she is going to take me in even now. But at least she talks to me it helps even if it’s about nothing, I just wish they could see it I tried to tell them ages ago and all I got back from them was stop whingeing and I have been at work all day.

i feel like a lying when really everything is my fault and I am just blaming others so I apologise 😞

hayley

[Aaronsis]

Hey Hayley

I understand that you have done something in the past that you are not proud of, and that is part of life, we do make mistakes and as long as you learn from them. You are not stupid, you are human and we do silly things and we make mistakes and it is how we get up from them that matters. You can share here as much as you feel comfortable to, if it helps to talk about it I am here, if not that is totally fine too. At some point though your dad's girlfriend and you dad have to give you back some trust and in return you demonstrate that you have learned from your mistakes. I think if this checking your phone is becoming and issue for you then a conversation as to how you can put them at peace with knowing you will not be repeating the mistakes of the past and for them to allow you some privacy.

Just an idea here, how would you feel about going out with your dad one day surfing? You can spend time with your dad as well as hang out on the beach and have some time out of the house, is that an option for you? It could be some time to reconnect with your dad too.

I am so glad that you have a good relationship with your nan after a trying time with her, that is so wonderful and she sounds like a beautiful woman. It is so great to have these people in your life.

You are not a whinger and this is not your fault Hayley, you are struggling at the moment and calling out for help, I am just wondering if reaching out to your dad to tell him how you are feeling and perhaps a trip to the GP is in order?? What do you think about that?

Huge hugs to you and I hope that you can do something wonderful today, what about a drawing?

Huge hugs to you Hayley xx

Sarah xxx

[Unicorndogge]

Hi Sarah

What I did was embarrassing for me and them, I try not to think about it but I do have my reasons for doing what I did. It’s hard when they don’t trust you at all and I don’t know how to tell them that’s it’s been months since these things have happened. I feel like I have no confidence when my dad and my brother say that I am stupid and dumb all the time, to be honest I don’t think they realise how much it hurts me.

I don’t think my dad would want me to come to the beach with him after all he always runs off without telling me where his going. Before he meet that woman we all used to do stuff together now it’s just everyone does there own thing.

My dad doesn’t know how to help and his girlfriend thinks she’s helping but it’s me. You can’t help someone that’s already withered away. I used to be a talkative, energetic person and no that’s gone so many people telling me not to act that way and how immature it is, as I say if you don’t like myself then too bad coz you can’t change yourself.

And yes I tried using some alcohol inks this morning they came up cool but not the way it’s supposed to look☹️

hayley

hugs back