I NEED SOME ADVICE/HELP

[Nellym]

ok, so I don't even know the best place to put this but here goes.

So I was talking to an online chat the other night about some of my issues and getting some advice. They asked if I had self harmed and I had said yes. I told them I was not suicidal and only used self-harm as a coping strategy when my other strategies don't work. Was asked if anyone was with me, I said my husband but he doesn't know about everything (he knows a little bit) and I am not ready to tell him. Said I was seeing a psychologist and that they know everything going on. They kept saying I need to tell someone and go somewhere for help. I kept telling them I was ok and didn't need medical assistance. They asked if they could ring me and I said not right now, I am happy to ring later on tonight when I am alone. So chat ended there.

20 mins later I have police knocking on my door saying they had a report of someone harming themselves and wanting to commit suicide. Well all hell broke lose. I spoke to them, they realised I was ok and did not need to go to hospital.

So now is the part I need help with. My psych is on 2 weeks leave so cannot get into contact. I have had to tell my husband more than I am comfortable with at this stage. I had already planned to sit down with him and my psych. together and let him know more.

Now everything is worse than ever. My anxiety is through the roof, has just increased my SH, panic attacks have doubled, my husband has gone all weird on me and now I never want to reach out and get help again in case something like this happens again. I feel so alone and don't know what to do anymore. The last 2 days have been hell and I feel like the little control I had has now gone.

[White_Rose]

Dear Nell

So sad to learn you are not travelling well and have had a couple of stays in hospital. How did they go? Not the best place to be but it keeps you safe and sometimes being completely cared for is good.

Do you know why you are self-sabotaging? Has something dreadful happened? Or have you become overwhelmed by a the weight of your past? I am so sad to for you.

I take it you are still seeing your psychiatrist and psychologist. What do they say? Please tell them how you are feeling and what you are doing. Is your husband supporting you? Sorry about all the questions. I don't usually ask them much but I am concerned about you. I have been thinking you were getting well and that was why you had not posted. So horrible for you.

Please talk to us here. You know it's a safe place and we can offer support.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Mary

[Nurse_Jenn]

Hi Nellym,

I just came across your post. I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling. It sounds like you have been on a rollercoaster ride feeling better a few months back and now today, feeling worse. We are here for you and listening. You are not alone.

Mary has asked some great questions that might help us understand how to support you better. I also wonder if calling and talking with someone tonight may give you a bit of relief, even in this moment and help you to stay safe? There is a support called the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467 or Lifeline on 13 11 14 - both are available 24/7. Sometimes talking about the level of pain you are in can offer temporary relief even if it is to get you through to the next moment.

Please keep us posted about how you are and if you were able to call a support line.

Wishing you the best possible outcome,

Nurse Jenn

[smallwolf]

Hi Nellym,

I am new to your thread/story, and have read the replies from Mary and Nurse Jenn. They way it seems from these and the other posts I have read is that seems your life is a roller-coaster of ups and downs. Is this correct?

Mary asked your about your professional support. I would like to asking (hope you don't mind) whether you can remember any coping mechanism they might have shown you. While I might not have done the things you mentioned in your post, I know it is hard to remember or do the things you might have been told to do.

Please let us know how you are going,

Tim

[Quercus]

Hi Nelly,

I'm glad you came here to write again. It doesn't matter how long you don't post for... Just that when you felt you needed help you returned to ask for it. Thank you for letting us know what is happening for you.

You mentioned not feeling in control. And specifically sabotaging yourself and your meds. This worries me too. You know yourself best and know whether you are at risk better than anyone. Have you considered whether hospital might be necessary at the moment? It is ok to ask for help.

You wrote about not feeling strong enough to keep trying and yet here you are doing what you can to be safe. That IS strength even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

Have you still got people around you who can support you offline too? At very low times I have asked hubby to make sure I take my medication. Is this an option? If you know you're sabotaging yourself it can help to know someone is checking.

As to the 'something else' that has sabotaged you... Do you want to talk about it? It's ok if you don't. Just remember we're not judging here and happy to listen. Goodness knows I'm far from perfect.

I hope you're safe.

❤Nat

[White_Rose]

Dear Nell

How are you going? We would all love to hear from you and to know you are safe.

Can you tell us what is happening? It is hard having support via this forum and I hope you have more immediate support available. Nat said she asks her husband to make sure she takes her meds. Can you ask your husband to do the same? Not because you are incapable but to help you take the meds regularly. It does work better if you take them at regular intervals and keep going.

You said "Today I did something to sabotage myself even more. I have lost control of my myself." Can you give some more information? Not being pushy and only write about it if you want to do this. We have all indulged in self-sabotage at times, sometimes without realising it. However you can get past it and get back on track. I know it's hard and I so wish I could hold your hand, so to speak. We are here when you want to talk. This is a safe place for you.

The two phone numbers Nurse Jenn gave you are good. When you are feeling particularly bad please phone one of them. I have often phoned the SCBS when my depression was at its worst and found them most helpful. It's so reassuring to know the person you are speaking to does understand what you are going through. And more to the point, can offer helpful suggestions.

Please drop us a line.

Mary

[Nellym]

Thanks to all for your replies.

I am still seeing my psychologist and psychiatrist. I am really trying to stay out of hospital, at least for awhile, but do know that it is there as a last resort.

I am trying not to sabotage myself or do any SH but it is hard not to. I have a safety plan in place that I have been using. I have been using SCBS and they have helped get me through some really dark times. It is just a matter of taking each day as it comes and taking it hour by hour.

Hopefully this down won't last and there will be some light at the end of the tunnel. I know I have to try and hang on for those that love me.

[smallwolf]

Hi Nellym,

seeing both a psychiatrist and psychologist is helpful. I also have one of each that I see. Just remember we are always here to listen and respond. It may take some time to make it to the end of the tunnel, but you get closer, the light becomes a little brighter. I am hopeful you will make it to the end of the tunnel, however long it might be.

Tim

[Nellym]

Just when I think things can't get much worse they do.
My H isn't coping with me and that makes it my fault my fault that he has to go through this. It is not fair on him not anyone else to put up with me.
The last thing I want to do is say something that would devastate them
The time has come to improve their lives and not have to worry about me each and every day.
Thanks to each one of you for your kinds words. They have helped a lot.
Goodbye

[Sophie_M]

Hi Nellym, it's good to see you back to seek support.  Your message has us very worried, though, as it sounds like you are thinking about harming yourself again.  You mention above that you have a safety plan - now is the time to activate that plan and use the strategies in there to keep yourself safe.  We would also urge you to get in touch with a real-time support service like the Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467 or Lifeline 13 11 14 as we are not able to provide that instant support here on the forums.

We will be here to listen to you again once you've made that contact and started on the road to ride out these feelings, which you have managed to do before.  Please let us know in your next post how we can best help and support you here on the forums, even if it's just to provide the kind words that have helped you in the past.

 

[White_Rose]

Dear Nelly

Please reply to us. I am very concerned about you and your post above.

It's not your fault you are unwell. I do get that your husband is concerned but leaving now for this reason will not make the situation better. Everyone will be devastated.

I know when I had these thoughts I was told to think of my family and it did not help. Please stay with us for your sake. H no doubt gets tired. We all do for various reasons when there is lots of stress in our lives. Please go to your nearest hospital or call 000 for an ambulance. Ask H to take you to hospital.

Please reply soon.

Mary