I made a big mistake...

[_Nik_]

hi,

I have been feeling suicidal for a while, and that's just been a common fact about me. But, I don't tend to tell people this. There was this guy, a few years older than me (he's a year 12) and he's been helping me out, he's a good friend of mine, but sometimes he gets angry when I do what he says is "stupid things" to myself. At least, I know he cares.

We go to drama together, and I only get to see him for two hours each week, which is hard, but that's not the point.

I made a big mistake:

I opened up a group chat, with about 10 people (my friends from drama) and I wrote a goodbye note. I don't think I should have done that. I also have anxiety, so I'm kinda scared that I made a mistake. I just wanted to say goodbye, in case I did something. I'm not planning anything just yet, but it was a "Just in case" note. I didn't tell them that though.

Only one person has replied. What should I do?

[Aaronsis]

Hey

The pond sounds awesome and I am glad that you have art as your outlet and that you can do these creative things, that is so good, and most definitely yes, you do have a sense of humor so get the yellow out and start with that too...lol....My daughter has stuff all over the place too, sometimes it is like she leaves a trail of destruction from where she starts to where she finishes..annoying but I love that she is creative and gets into it.

You should believe your cousin when she complimented you on your drawing, see the thing with 8 year olds is that they are brutally honest, she doesn't know how to "suck up"..or "say things for the hell of it"...so when she says you are good, she genuinely means it, take it!

You said "I am weird like that"..I don't think there is such a thing as weird anymore, I have learnt to see that everyone is well themselves, just because they are not like me, I don't look at them as weird, I have only just learnt this since my brother passed away, and I have only just realized it for the first time here right now talking to you, so there is something new you have made me realize about me...thank you. I also think art is expression so however it comes out really is how it comes out....your pond sounds awesome it really does...and on foam, how cool.

Do you like to read? I am reading an awesome book atm it is called "The Bronze Horseman"...it has restored my faith in love..I am so addicted to it I actually don't want to put it down.

Well the house looks like Christmas has vomited everywhere, oh well, what can I expect when leaving a 13 yo in charge of decorations...lol

Dinner time soon...

Hugs, hugs, hugs

Sarah

[_Nik_]

Hey,

I finished with the yellow. This is how the book is set out:

1. Write the words in the coloured sharpie.

2. Pick a material (whether it be paint or wool)

3. Draw a picture or make something then stick it on.

For yellow I painted a fluffy chicken which is adorable.

I do like reading... Well, at least I did. I don't really do much nowadays and to keep myself distracted from "stuff" I tend to cook or do art.

Yeah, I guess I should believe my cousin. I struggle to believe my friends (mainly the male one. Lol this name I call him to be anonymous. Fun fact: my name on this forum is what he calls me as a nickname and my new non-binary name). He tends to get frustrated when I don't believe him...

- Nik (I feel like sleeping and it's not even dark yet. This is what depression does to you... Fun! Imma take a nap)

[Aaronsis]

Hey Nik

I am so happy to hear about your book and how much work you are doing in it and that you are doing something so very wonderful that will help you in your journey. The chicken sounds super cute and I am so happy that you are happy with it too, by thinking it is adorable..there is another positive, the fluffy chicken I made is really adorable and I made it!

That is really sweet that your male friend..we really do need to give him a name....does Barry work..lol..decided your NIKname and that is what you are going to be known by moving forward, Nik is a good name.

Perhaps even in your book you could dedicate a page to "future Nik"...with some messages to you when you are older, like..."I will be able to trust that what people say to me they mean"...this is something that takes time and people do have to earn your trust, but people like Barry and your cousin already have your trust, so perhaps when they do say something to you you could take the compliment, which is hard and just reply with a "thank you"..knowing that they do mean it.

That is really great to that you love to cook, I do too, I am making Christmas cakes atm and it is quite a process. What sort of things do you like to cook?

When you said :imma take a nap:...there is a meme of a little girl saying that..have you seen it, it is so cute "imma take a nap, here, right here"...soo cute.

Ok..have to help my daughter move a mat outside so she can do flips and TikTok...ahh parenting...

Hugs and a high five

Sarah

[_Nik_]

Hey,

Maybe we'll call him something else cause Barry doesn't suit him. Well... His name starts with C... So we'll call him cornflakes... ._. Lol.

Also... Nice pun. "NIKname"

I make cookies, but I only bake for other people and rarely for myself. I once baked six batches of cookies so I could bring them out to drama.

Also... Your daughter can do flips?? I can't.

I've never been good at receiving compliments and it really downgrades me as a person. Oh well..

- Nik

[Aaronsis]

Hey Nik

Happy Monday!!!

Ok let's go with Cornflakes, I somehow just knew that Barry was not going to work for you...lol

That is so very sweet of you to bake cookies for your drama group, there is another thing that you can put in your book, with perhaps some cookies made out of wool...."I am great at baking and so considerate and caring that I can think of others and made some cookies for my drama group"...perhaps talk about how it made you feel when they showed you how much they appreciated it and how much they enjoyed them..I bet it made you feel really good.

So the whole compliment thing, it is really hard to get used to and to accept compliments, especially when you are in a cycle of not really liking who you are. However with practice and even just saying "thank you" if you know nothing else to say and it feels totally awkward. In time you will get used to accepting them and not only that but wholly accepting them and believing them too. People don't usually give compliments for the sake of it, so when they hand them out it is really gratifying to know that they do appreciate you and are grateful for what you have said or done. This is also how we measure how well we are going in the friendship or relationship.

Someone has left me a roll of Cadbury Dairy Milk chocolate on my desk......YUM! My absolute weakness is chocolate.....here you go..I am sharing some with you virtually...enjoy!!..lol

Chat soon and squeezy hugs

Sarah xx

[_Nik_]

Hey,

Yeah. I tend not to say thank you. I always say that they are wrong and argue. My dad got mad at me, and asked me "why do you do this?". I honestly don't know why I can't just take a compliment without disagreeing. It really hurts everyone around me.

I really don't like myself. I don't think I'm worth anything. I once asked Cornflakes if there was anything good about me, and we got into a fight because I wanted him to tell me a list of good things about me but he said "it wasn't right for him to be my source of happiness". I told him I didn't have a source of happiness.

I just wanted to boost my self esteem, but I don't know how to do it myself, and cornflakes thinks it should be me that says good things about myself not anyone else, which I think is rubbish, because then I'm never going to like myself.

- Nik ( ._. )

[Aaronsis]

Hey Nik

I am not worried so much about everyone around you being annoyed so much as you not being able to take the compliment, that you are worth it and that they say something positive to you and you don't believe it. I think that is why your dad got mad as he wants you to be able to see you are loved and you are good at things and when he tells you something he would like you to know that, and believe him.

I see what Cornflakes is saying, that you should not rely on others for your happiness, and he is sort of right, however when we are suffering and we are feeling bad about ourselves we need to be able to reach out to our family and friends to get a boost to our self esteem and to get a boost of love, there is nothing at all wrong with that. He too is young and still learning about life and feelings and friendships so he may not always get it right either. I think he was just saying to you that he wants you to find some things about you to love and missed that you were asking him to provide you with some support and some indication on what there is about you that is good. I am sorry that his comment has left you feeling let down a bit and that he didn't respond to your call for some support at a time when you needed to hear it.

I hope that you can start your journey to liking yourself with the view to loving you. It will take some time and something that is weird and awkward and down right uncomfortable, but ..the more you do these things and spend time thinking about the good things about you the more this grows, just as you know when you are feeling bad and you spend time thinking of all the bad things, more bad things come. It is the nature of it.

What have you got planned for today?

Hope that you can do something that brings a smile to your face and that you can feel good about even one thing xx

Hugs hugs hugs Nik

Sarah xxx

[_Nik_]

Hey,

I'm not doing much today. Just hanging out at my dad's work.

Not much brings a smile to my face anymore, as disappointing as that is.

I guess I'm scared that cornflakes has had enough of listening to my problems and doesn't want to bother with me. I keep asking him if he doesn't want to be my friend anymore, but I feel like he's lying to me when he says of course he wants to be my friend. I wish I could believe him.

I'm just so tired nowadays and I don't really know why.

- Nik 😞

[smallwolf]

Hi Nik,

I saw you mentioning that you were not good at receiving compliments. I'm not very good at that either! I can easily throw a "but" in there which can easily flip it into a negative. So what I do now when I receive a compliment is to just say "thank you" and try not to dwell on it. It was only recently when I started that trick, and otherwise have been putting myself down for 30+ years. I even received an email from a someone recently thanking me for the all the hard work I do as Parish Admin; the thing was I didn't believe her. If you are anything like me then it is hard and will likely take time to be able to accept compliments and each time you receive a compliment look at how far you have come.

Tim

[Aaronsis]

Hey Nik

That sounds like fun hanging out with your dad at work, I sometimes bring my daughter in when we have big things to do and we need some extra help. She really likes it and has made a few friends here which is funny.

I guess the thing with needing some self reassurance sometimes is that it then causes doubt in the friendship as you are explaining now, and you are worried that cornflakes doesn't want to be your friend and that you ask him and he is trying to get you to see for yourself how great you are but you need some help, he is missing those cues and then it leaves you feeling like he doesn't want to be your friend, so you ask him and then you feel dumb and silly..it is a yukky cycle.

Can I suggest tho, and I think you may know this, that you feel like you get the best response from him when you are sad, you want his hugs and his support so by talking about your depression he gives you what you need..sometimes, and when he doesn't this leaves you feeling bad like he doesn't want to be your friend anymore. This is why I suggested to you the other day that you can dump your yukky stuff here and just try to enjoy being friends with him and him getting to know and enjoy who you are and start having some good chats about good stuff rather than about depression and sadness. That is why I said for you to tell him that you like his hugs and that it makes you feel like you matter to him....

Also, and you might know this already too, sometimes when we keep asking someone if there is anything wrong and if we are annoying them, the more we ask, we actually create an issue and become annoying...so by just being his friend and learning about each other and finding out things about each other and talking about drama and maybe other things in life you can get to be friends and get the hugs and even better times as you are talking about good stuff, like your book, he will be so happy to hear you are doing that again.

What do you think about all that???

Sorry to rant at you.

Hugs

Sarah