I made a big mistake...

[_Nik_]

hi,

I have been feeling suicidal for a while, and that's just been a common fact about me. But, I don't tend to tell people this. There was this guy, a few years older than me (he's a year 12) and he's been helping me out, he's a good friend of mine, but sometimes he gets angry when I do what he says is "stupid things" to myself. At least, I know he cares.

We go to drama together, and I only get to see him for two hours each week, which is hard, but that's not the point.

I made a big mistake:

I opened up a group chat, with about 10 people (my friends from drama) and I wrote a goodbye note. I don't think I should have done that. I also have anxiety, so I'm kinda scared that I made a mistake. I just wanted to say goodbye, in case I did something. I'm not planning anything just yet, but it was a "Just in case" note. I didn't tell them that though.

Only one person has replied. What should I do?

[_Nik_]

Ok, I thought you were going to get lost... I tend to get a bit carried away.

Firstly, he promised he'd help me eat (I'd been struggling with wanting to look skinny, I still do) and then he never brought it up when the time came. He told me he wouldn't forget because this was one of the things he was trying to help me get through

Secondly, I don't get to see him for another 2 months.

Thirdly, Every time I see him I have about 15 minutes to talk before we both have to go, and he lives two hours away from me, so I cannot meet up outside of drama

Lastly, No, I don't want him to worry about me, because then I'm being a burden. I keep telling him to not help me, but he laughs and tells me to stop being ridiculous. Yes, he is helping me to say alive (both physically stopping me and trying to get me to stop thinking this way) but I was in a bad place when I yelled, so I didn't exactly want him to stop me.

- Nik

[Aaronsis]

Hi Nik

Please..get carried away all you like, that is what we are here for, to chat and to get all of the "stuff" out and help you through this time.

That is really lovely that he was going to help you on your weight loss journey, it is important to have people to support you. I just want to address something though, you said you want to get "skinny". Can I suggest that getting "healthy" is more important than looking thin. I know it is hard and I too am carrying extra weight, but being a "healthy" weight is far more attractive and far more sustainable both mentally and physically than being unnaturally thin. There are some great people that you can follow that model a wonderful and healthy lifestyle that you can find on the internet, they have diet plans and you sound like a very intelligent person so I am sure you know all of this already.

I hear that you are going to miss him for the next 2 months, is there a way that you can face time or message and keep in touch with him? It is frustrating that you only have limited time with him and I feel your pain that you want to have more time with him and not just the short time outside of drama. I think you can say that to him and perhaps ask him if he would be ok to face time you and to catch up sometimes and maybe even have lunch together or something like that.

Please do not feel like you are a burden, I know this is hard but as you would be there for him, he too is there for you. You are not a burden and if you were he would surely not have anything to do with you at all. I get that he is probably a little scared still due to the message that was sent, however in time this will fade and you can work each day on rebuilding the friendship. It does take time and he is probably still healing too, he would have got a really big fright and doesn't want to lose you so that takes some time to move past too.

I am just wondering how you are going with the medication and how you are going with your mum and getting her on board with this?

I really hope it is helping you get through this time by talking here Nik, huge hugs to you.

Sarah

[_Nik_]

Hey,

So, he wasn't trying to help me on "my weight loss journey". He was trying to get me to stop harming myself... But that's not really the aim of my messages. I don't really want to talk about it.

I'm going to Africa in a few days, so I can't really see him. But I do have his number and I can talk to him over Whatsapp. But even if I weren't going, he has a girlfriend, and I think he would find it weird to hang out with me. He completely disregards me, when he has family or his girlfriend. I don't mind, I know they're important to me, and I know I don't matter.

I got a new psychologist, and she too has spoken to my parents about how much medication would help me at this point, but they haven't been convinced. I just want to yell at them and tell them that this isn't thier life and it should be my decision, but I know they wont listen.

He doesn't get scared. He gets worried and stuff, but when it comes to my death, I believe it doesn't matter to him.

- Nik

[Aaronsis]

Fantastic, I am so very pleased to hear that you have had a conversation with your new Psychologist and with your parents about medication. Here's hoping for you that they can come to an understanding of how important it is for you and hopefully they can put their trust in the medical system and let you try.

I understand now about the conversation with your body, sorry I misunderstood and I totally understood that it was about hurting yourself. I hear you and that you don't want to talk about that, just know that I am here for you if you change your mind and would like to. No judgement at all.

That is so very exciting that you are going to Africa...wow...how wonderful..how are you feeling about this trip? I get what you mean that he has a girlfriend,but hey, that does not mean he is not allowed to have girls that are friends..does it? My son is 15 and I hear him all the time on face time walking around the house with his "girls that are friends"..they talk about gaming and the cats, there is nothing romantic or sexual about it. I don't see why it would be weird for you to have lunch..he is your friend.

You do matter Nik, so very much. Your friend does care about you which is why he worries and why he gives you time, if you were not here it would effect him very much.

Can I ask you a question? You can most certainly not answer this and I hope I don't upset you. Can I ask if perhaps you have feelings for your friend and you are feeling hurt that he perhaps has girlfriend? As I said you don't have to answer this but it might help in understanding the pressure you are putting on yourself with this relationship with him.

Hope to chat some more Nik

Sarah xx

[_Nik_]

Hey,

Firstly, I guess I am excited to go to Africa, apart from the fact that I am vegetarian, and I have to eat meat over there, but I guess I'll get over it. It's going to be a challenge.

And about my friend.

Here's some background knowledge:

My friend is 18. I'm 15. There is a big age gap. I have known him for about a year. He's a great person. Originally, yes, I did like him, but now, I don't want to be anything more than friends ever. I just sometimes wish that our relationship could be clearer. He told me (via my birthday card) that we were close friends, but then somethings tell me that we aren't that close, and than other things suggest that we are really close friends. I'm just really confused. But, to answer your question, no, I do not like him anymore. I am gender non-binary, and at the moment like one of my other friends (who is a girl).

Sometimes I just think that he wouldn't miss me if I were to go.

[Aaronsis]

Hey Nik

That is great that you are looking forward to Africa, it would be such an awesome experience and you are so very lucky to have this opportunity to go to such an amazing place, you just never know with the vegetarian options...you might be able to get some really great food that is veggie based and may not need to eat meat, but it is great to hear that you are open to the idea if you have to eat it.

That is great to hear that you are clear on how you are feeling with your friend. I guess though that you have some confusion as to the path of the relationship and yes, I hear you, you just wish it was clear. Don't forget too that he is only 18 and may not have mastered the art of clear communication and may struggle to with things that we know nothing about. That perhaps some days are good for him and he is free in his communication and feels good about himself and is giving out hugs and chats and then other days maybe not so much. We cannot discount that maybe he has somethings going on too.

I am an old woman..lol..44 and don't really know what the terms around gender are these days so if you wanted to teach me what gender non -binary means I would be very grateful. I get though that you have feelings for a girl and I hope that this comes to fruition for you. Does she know how you feel? If not, do you plan on letting her know? I hope it works out for you, I really do.

Hugs xx Sarah xx

[_Nik_]

Hey,

You must feel "down with the kids" by using the word lol. You made me laugh.

Gender non-binary means that I have chosen not to have a gender and therefore would prefer to be called them/ their. It's actually been only a few weeks since I've made the decision but I've been hoping that I can avoid stereotypes if I do this. I was originally a female.

As for my friend (the female one). I've been hoping to tell her when I next see her, but I don't know whether I'll have the courage to do so. She's just really adorable and a really great friend.

And for my other friend (the male one) I do know that he too delt with depression when he was my age, but he learnt how to deal with it. That's why I want him to help me, because he knows the best how to do that.

[Aaronsis]

I am glad that I made you laugh..am I down with the kids...hmm..I have a 13 yo and a 15yo..I will share something with you...my son calls me Karen..his friends call me Karen...why...as you may know..Karen is a mid 40's woman who wants to speak to the manager....I think I am kind of down with it but I also know that "lol" is a daggy thing to say now..apparently!!

Ok so non gender..cool I can understand now. Well I hope that the chat goes well and that she receives the news well and that you can enjoy each other's company. I wish you all the best with that and I would love to know how it goes for you, I really would.

I get it now with the male friend, you see him as "experienced" with managing the depression so you are leaning on him for support. How about this for a wacky idea, you could lean on us for support and just focus on him being your friend, and perhaps the time you do get to be together you can enjoy each other's company and build on your friendship without having to drag depression into it. While he did agree to help you, maybe it is kind of becoming hard for him too in that maybe it is dragging stuff up for him. Just a suggestion.

Oh here is something else that will make you laugh.. I do Tik Tok's with my daughter...and yes I have nailed the moves to the one "I got muscles like superman trainer..." impressed????

Hugs

Sarah

[_Nik_]

Hahahaha. That is funny.

I thought about what you suggested with my friend but when I claim that I'm fine he says he gets worried when I don't tell him stuff. So maybe that's not the best thing. Plus I only get good hugs when I'm sad, and I need them, and you can't give hugs (no matter how many times you say "hugs"). I often ask him if he would rather not help me, but he says he just wants me to he happy.

I just wish I could see him more.

[Aaronsis]

OK..now we are getting somewhere..you are right, I cannot give you hugs, and I will stop typing that if you like..lol....

So what you are actually wanting from him is his hugs, and yes he asks after how you are feeling and he wants you to be happy..ok...can you just say that to him, tell him that what truly makes you happy is when he gives you his time and mostly when he gives you a hug. He would be so very happy to hear that his friendship and his care and his hugs is indeed what makes you happy. That you would like some more of his time and that he is important to you, even if you think him having lunch with you is "wrong" as he has a girlfriend, I am sure he would, even if it was once a week. He has told you he wants you to be happy, you can tell him how he can help in doing that.

Want another laugh....see these dots...I text my kids like this too....my son thinks it is highly annoying...that I am talking like Jane Bunn....who pauses alot during the weather...sometimes that is all he responds to my text with..."thanks Jane Bunn"....ahh kids...