I have completely died on the inside - am so incredibly depressed and lonely

[HeyJude]

Hi everyone - I a new to the site. I really need someone to talk to that can empathise and relate. I need to vent. My whole life has been hard, cruel at times, with an abusive childhood and I never really had a chance in life. I have been married twice and although was a good mother my first husband poisoned my children against me so we are estranged. My second husband is more caring but can't help me with the major depressions and anxiety I struggle with - he judges me and gets angry, saying it's bad behaviour.

People do like me but I just can't make close friends. I am the one who gets forgotten about...I am just so tired of walking this road alone. So, so tired. I know it is not normal, but I envy those with terminal illness. I feel for their pain very much though but I always think "why isn't it me instead - they have family, love, friends and a life. It should be me - I would not be missed at all (although I would worry about my daughter from my second marriage being effected).

I am currently doing some volunteer work and others appreciate me but do not realise how much internal pain I suffer. I have "no other family or friends to talk to". I don't feel I have any purpose in life, I feel helpless, irrelevant and hopeless. I am losing interest in most things. My husband thinks my depression is bad behaviour and can get angry, he doesn't understand - does not listen or talk much to me. I am the listener. I am the nurturer who looks after everyone - but I feel lost and in such great anguish and pain. I feel so utterly lonely. I was always there for others and never sought anything in return. It just would be nice to have my despair and pain eased for just some moments if just once someone could listen to me - just listen and not judge. If someone just cared. Not sure I see any point any more. I have absolutely no help. Anti-depressants do not work - I think this is all an accumulation of hurts, traumas, disheartenment and abuse over the years rather than a chemical imbalance which is leaving me feelings empty.

I have absolutely no zest for life. Feel dead inside. I find it hard to get out of bad.

[smallwolf]

Hi, I am doing as well as can be expected at the moment. The antidepressants I started on about 3 and a bit weeks ago still give me a sore stomach. I spent the day at home to see how I would cope. I made it through, but ...

It sounded like you had a good weekend, or at least Mother's day. Did you get any photos? If not, you could write down what you did and store that as a happy memory.

You were wondering if the medication was not right. It is possible. But that is something you would need to talk to the medical people about. My psychiatrist told me straight up that that range of drugs is that large, that you might or might not get the right one, or a bit of trial and error.

On your daughter not understanding. Maybe that is cause the person you seem now is not the same as the one that brought up your children, and maybe denial ... in their eyes. And then, that is exaggerated by the not understanding. Maybe point your daughters towards the resources on the web site here so they can get an understanding of your life. I had to explain to my own wife. And it is not as though we are going to die because of it. Anyway, food for thought.

We are just unique.

[Nztruckr]

Hey jude

I can relate to your post almost to the point where it mirrors my own life

I too have been through much in life and have experienced alot of pain and trauma for the like of a better word i know and understand the daily struggle you endure to just function for the day ,hour,minute

I also know of the attempts to do nice things for/to others in the hope we maybe accepted or maybe get a brief acknowledgement of being liked or accepted even the days when we dont care at all

I think the point i am trying to make is that although life can sometimes appear cruel unaccepting and just down right unbearable we do often if we wait get a second wind to help pull us through sometimes we need to find an outlet and just vent or even just someone to sit and listen so we feel acknowledged and sometimes we need medication to get us back on track

But in all seriousness it does get better well do im told i think finding out what triggers you episodes is important as these can lessen your down times when you feel they are about to impact your day

I hope this helps you somewhat as i have similar daily episodes which are getting on top of me as if late but one day i hope to be better

Sorry for the ramble

[therising]

Hi Nztruckr

It is never a ramble when your words are of value, which they are.

Sorry to hear you are at a painful low. Knowing your triggers is definitely key, as this does help in creating some coping strategies. Depression can feel like an energy zapping roller coaster ride at times, with a serious longing to have your feet planted firmly on the ground. Those who experience depression know all too well the definition of endurance.

Hoping life delivers you some soulful highs (sooner rather than later) so you can remember who you truly are - You are not your depression, you are so much more.

Take care xxxxx

[HeyJude]

Hi Chrissy1, the rising, Doolhoof, smallwolf and it is nice to meet you Nztruckr's.

So happy to read that you enjoyed Mother's Day Chrissy1 with your daughter and grandkids and had really good laugh together. Feels real good doesn't it. Those moments are so special.

I hope the anti-depressant side effects are starting to settle for you Smallwolf and will kick in for you soon where you will start to feel their benefits. I remember having stomach upsets for the first few weeks when I began mine awhile back, but my stomach settled and I think it was around 10 weeks until I noticed they were starting to help.

Therising - I am booked in this Monday to see my GP to write up blood tests for those vitamins deficiencies etc you mentioned. Thank you for the wonderful tips - I am slowly making my way towards applying a lot of them.

Thank you for your post Nztruckr - I feel less alone when people can relate and empathise with my story. That empathy and connection helps me to feel less frightened and alone. I like what you said - I do need an avenue to vent and feel acknowledged - particularly helps when others genuinely empathise and care for my pain. That connection helps me to move forward. But I have no one in my real life who understands. And it makes me feel vulnerable and scared.

I am finding it hard to beat this deep depression I am in now as I am so scared of being alone and losing my family. My daughter is going through issues and I barely see her now - but I know I need to let her go so she can live her own life. My husband also has multiple health issues and I am scared he will die (he has cancer). I do not believe I could handle life all on my own with no family - being totally on my own. Not with the issues I struggle with. And this fear/potential situation is making me feel like I can't cope with or face life. I wouldn't want to be here. I just can't deal with all the pain alone, or the loneliness. And I just lose that will to go on.......I don't know if others can relate to this but if so and they have any suggestions on how to rise above this....how I could go on in life "totally alone" with being so depressed and anxious I am very open to hearing it. Am feeling quite low at the moment. Thanks for listening

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hello

I'm here. I'm new. Totally alone is where I'm at and I'm currently wondering how to move forward, or move at all when I'm feeling really overwhelmed by it. I don't have a husband, and my son left so now it's just me. So I do understand, and here I am. So I'd say you're not totally alone as long as you can come in here and there's someone with a gentle word and a hello. Hello 🙂 I'm here.

[HeyJude]

It was lovely to read your post and warm hello Katyonthehamsterwheel. Sending a very warm hello back - it's so nice to meet you. Sorry to read you are feeling overwhelmed too - that's where I am currently at today. I am having a particularly bad one. I am still sitting on my bed at noon unfortunately - I am going to force myself to do something but will be speaking to my GP on Monday. Am feeling quite scared. Am wanting to move forward but not sure how - I am also worrying a lot about my daughter and husband and other pressing matters which is bringing me undone. I want to switch off my mind, the worries, the black cloud and that overwhelming feeling. I want to feel alive again. I don't want to be afraid any more. Perhaps we can help each other. It's nice to know you are there. Here's hoping to better times and to moving forward one step at a time x

[smallwolf]

HeyJude,

Are you a Beatles fan? When I was reading your last post, that song popped into my head "Hey Jude, don't be afraid". Sorry to read that you are having a bummer of a day. And also hope that you get along well with your GP - it can make a big difference. You talked about being scared? Have you talked to him/her before about these matters? I don't think I was ever scared, but then (IMO) I had hit the bottom and saw the NEED to seek help come what may. Essentially I found it to be a like a conversation, and at the end was referred to a psychologist for a second opinion. I hope that, like me, you might find it some sort of release to get all these thoughts out in the open, and knowing that someone cares. Yes, you pay for their services, but there is a sort of validation that you are not making any of it up. And depending on what the GP suggests you have started a new journey, that takes you from that black cloud to a place where you can live again. It may take time, and it will work itself out whenever it does. As long as I make it from one day to the next, that is all I can do. But I also have a safety plan, a place to stay, help from a psychologist and psychiatrist that help me through my thoughts, fears, and other issues. For example, today when I visited my psychologist, one of the grounding exercises I have to do is set a mind bell to ring 3 time each hour. It is just a tool to bring me back into the present moment. I also have to create 3 lists - one for gratitude, one for pleasure, and one for accomplishment. And have to do that each day. Small practical things to help me NOT think about negative things I would otherwise think about. So take a deep breath, and look forward to a new beginning. And you start a journey to the place called hope, onto the way to the city of life or joy.

Smallwolf

[chrissy1]

Hello Smallwolf

nice to hear from u. Sorry it’s taken so long. At the moment I’m struggling with words, sorry I’m all over the place, for some reason. I didn’t want u think I didn’t want to talk. It’s Sunday, a miserable day weather wise. How about ur day ? I do hope all is well with you.

take care

chrissy1

[smallwolf]

Hi,

Considering I ran out of antidepressants yesterday, doing ok. Got script refilled today. Went and saw my AFL team win their first game of the season. It had been a long time for the lions. Our weather was good today, sunny with a light breeze.

Smallwolf

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hello

I was so icked out last time I wrote, I ended up with a migraine. Only just starting to feel better. At least my migraine turned all the negative thoughts off. Was in too much pain to bother about anything. Am glad to hear you're off to the GP HeyJude! It is a bit scary, but if you weigh up the risk/reward, you're better to go through a little bit of pain, then a lot right? Please let us know how you go.