I have completely died on the inside - am so incredibly depressed and lonely

[HeyJude]

Hi everyone - I a new to the site. I really need someone to talk to that can empathise and relate. I need to vent. My whole life has been hard, cruel at times, with an abusive childhood and I never really had a chance in life. I have been married twice and although was a good mother my first husband poisoned my children against me so we are estranged. My second husband is more caring but can't help me with the major depressions and anxiety I struggle with - he judges me and gets angry, saying it's bad behaviour.

People do like me but I just can't make close friends. I am the one who gets forgotten about...I am just so tired of walking this road alone. So, so tired. I know it is not normal, but I envy those with terminal illness. I feel for their pain very much though but I always think "why isn't it me instead - they have family, love, friends and a life. It should be me - I would not be missed at all (although I would worry about my daughter from my second marriage being effected).

I am currently doing some volunteer work and others appreciate me but do not realise how much internal pain I suffer. I have "no other family or friends to talk to". I don't feel I have any purpose in life, I feel helpless, irrelevant and hopeless. I am losing interest in most things. My husband thinks my depression is bad behaviour and can get angry, he doesn't understand - does not listen or talk much to me. I am the listener. I am the nurturer who looks after everyone - but I feel lost and in such great anguish and pain. I feel so utterly lonely. I was always there for others and never sought anything in return. It just would be nice to have my despair and pain eased for just some moments if just once someone could listen to me - just listen and not judge. If someone just cared. Not sure I see any point any more. I have absolutely no help. Anti-depressants do not work - I think this is all an accumulation of hurts, traumas, disheartenment and abuse over the years rather than a chemical imbalance which is leaving me feelings empty.

I have absolutely no zest for life. Feel dead inside. I find it hard to get out of bad.

[smallwolf]

HeyJude,

Just catching up with you to see how you are going? Can you let me know? Cheers.

chrissy1,

What happened between yesterday and today that made you fed up and without motivation? Or was it out of the blue? Do you want/need someone to talk to? If so, reach out to lifeline on 13 11 44, or BeyondBlue on 1300 22 4436. If you would rather chat via the forum that is OK. Me... I started anti-depressants recently, and the feelings I have from day to day change. Some days are better than others. Just have take one day at a time, and ride the wave (or lack thereof) of emotions.

All the best,

Tim

[therising]

Hi chrissy1

My heart goes out to you so vent away! That drained and down feeling in depression can be super hard to shake.

Started taking part in a once-a-week meditation group. Had first session last Wednesday and it was very surprising/liberating. Admit its hard for me to join a group, as I am a shy person but I knew this was something I had to do: Basically, change means things can't stay the same. Some guiding light on a dimly lit path in life is definitely a good thing. It means moving forward with a little more faith and confidence.

The meditation was definitely an eye-opener. To whittle down a half hour meditation journey - we were eventually asked to envisage ourselves in warm tranquil pool of water (a soulful place). In my mind, I couldn't shake the people who were calling me from the side-lines, telling me to 'get out'. This was my epiphany - I have people who will not let me be myself. You see, I am a somewhat spiritual gal which a lot of people I know make fun of. My greatest problem is 'no one approves of me being true to my most loved nature'. I am gradually learning to limit my time with my 'energy vampires' (those who suck the life out of me). These folk tend to fill me with a lot of self-doubt. By the way, those who judge the most have many unresolved issues to tend to.

I have learned over the years, society creates us to various degrees. We are given our identity in a way. I believe, if we're not careful, we can eventually lose sight of who we are which may lead to grief, over our lost sense of self. Reclaiming who we really are can be a long and tough process. Personally, I have found acknowledging the 5 stages of grief to be enlightening, for they do not relate solely (traditionally) to physical death. 1)Denial - denying yourself freedom to choose your identity/allowing others to dictate who you should be and how you should act, 2)Anger - over conforming to others expectations/not being true to yourself, letting yourself down, 3)Bargaining - to maintain some aspects of yourself, 4)Depression - to have suppressed or to have lost the light of who you are and 5)Acceptance - accepting your true and unique nature. It is only we who can give our self the gift of acceptance. Hope it makes sense. Understanding the journey into depression is key to understanding the way out. Food for thought, anyway.

Watch out for energy vampires as you seek ways to reclaim yourself! Sending positive vibes your way, take care!

[chrissy1]

Hi Therising

thank you so much for ur reply and all ur effort. That was so nice of you. I have had severe depression for25yrs too long. The first 20 my medication worked., but5yrs ago the stopped working, and I became very unwell (hospitalised quite often) I then had shock treatment.,on medication after many trials. I think this medication is not so good ,I really don’t know anymore. I’ve had enough

like u said I’m sure I have lost my identity, I don’t feel anything I’m numb. No motivation at all.

for a lot of years I put on a brave face, I can’t do that anymore, my daughter does not understand, and I feel such a failure and a burden.

Again thank u for ur reply that was really nice of u

take care x

chrissy1

[chrissy1]

Hi Smallwolf

thank u for ur reply, and ur kind words. I meant to put ur name on thread to “the rising” so u can get a better picture of where I’m at. Hope u don’t mind.

take care x

chrissy1

[therising]

Hi chrissy1

Feeling like a burden can be a horrible experience. A lot of folk who live with depression understand the 'People would be better off without me' mindset (been there). Hard to keep in mind that the ultimate burden is the depression, not you, if that makes sense. Basically, how others react to your challenge is their choice. Remember, friends and family members have a choice when it comes to truly understanding the chemistry of depression and its impact on the human brain. Typically, people are intolerant due to lack of understanding and that is no reflection on you; further education/the search for helpful information is ultimately their choice.

My goodness, anti-depressants...hmmm...don't get me started. I know where you're coming from. My first experience was great up until I gave birth to my 1st child. After this (due to hormonal changes I suppose), nothing seemed to work. It can be a soul-destroying trial and error experience in my opinion with little thought given to the impact of such a disheartening process on the patient. I believe there should be constructive psychological guidance offered throughout this potentially destructive process.

By the way, you are not a failure, your brain is simply failing to alter its chemistry whilst in this state of depression. We are so much more than our brains and I wish there was a way to show people this, so they wouldn't be so hard on themselves. I believe there is a way to master that mechanism in our head yet we are rarely given sufficient education on how to do this. As I say to people 'What skills were you given in your early years when it comes to mastering mindset?' In other words, who taught us how to 'upload' constructive mental programs into our head, when facing challenge? Most people will pause and then say 'I suppose no one really taught me anything obvious!' Our parents/mentors understandably only teach us what they know, what they were taught & so it goes on. Based on my history with depression, I teach my kids a lot about the human brain and the 'glitches' or traps when it comes to mental illness. Helping them 'upload constructive programs' is a priority, as a mum. #1 program is compassion.

Changing 'the programs' that come to play in our head is the goal. Quite often, when the programs change the chemistry follows or vice versa. So, the ultimate question, 'How to set things in motion?' New untried strategies may hold the key.

Take care! Sending love (vibes of EVOLution) your way!

[HeyJude]

Hi chrissy1, smallwolf, therising and all who have supported me on here. You are a wonderful group of people and it really has amazed me of how you have not given up on me. This means a lot.

I feel exactly like Chrissy1. No motivation and very teary. I will have a medical examination soon to see if anything physical is going on - as I don't eat a lot and could be vitamin deficient too - but I think it's reactive to the traumas and ongoing present situation i a man facing. I am feeling a bit defeated with my daughter. And my general health is not good making it harder to push through.

I am sorry I have taken so long to reply as every bit of energy has been taken up by those things daily things I have to do. Doesn't leave much time for me. I am sinking - the weather is not helping. Getting through the day is a mammoth task. I want it to get better. I can't take medications. So have to find the will from somewhere.....I have never experienced such zero zest. That frightens me a little and the day seems so long and lonely.

I feel for you Chrissy1, getting out of bed takes me so long......It's Mother's Day and that is not a good day for me having lost 3 children and a reminder of the abusive my mother dealt out daily. I relate to the movie Sybil and worse. But I have to overcome......I so want my zest back but any obstacles so easily push me on my back again.

I like the sound of a positive group of people getting together walking - shopping centres invoke anxiety in me though (can't be in crowds for long) a but something of that group nature I would like to work towards in the future when I can get a little energy back. Thank you for your ongoing support - it is helping just to know someone gives a damn.

[therising]

Hi HeyJude

GP check-up is definitely a good idea (tests for B12, folate, iron etc). By the way, 'Active B12' is a more accurate indicator of deficiency than basic 'Total B12'. Typically 'active' is only tested if 'total' levels fall below 200, which is crazy. Also keep in mind, low end of 'normal' total B12 can still produce side-effects like lethargy and neurological problems. I personally feel it when my levels get below 300, before I get a top up shot from my GP. Don't forget, always ask for a copy of your test results. Sleep apnea is another energy zapping condition maybe worth looking into, especially for those who have a history of snoring. If I've mentioned all this before, forgive me, I have a memory like a sieve.

So sorry to hear about your incredibly sad childhood (I do feel great sorrow for that child in you that needs healing and love). I believe mother and father are titles earned; anyone can be an egg or sperm donar. Boy how I wish I could jump through and give you the biggest hug.

Sensory overload (too many people and too much noise) is a thing worth avoiding at times. Important to know our stressors. Our brains can only take so much which is why I've been drawn to the serene low-key setting of a meditation group.

I know its challenging but keep in mind your 'I AM...' self-talk, for our 'I AM...' mindset goes toward defining us. Try one tiny thing each day that you've never done before. Taste a food you've never tried before like a different sandwich filling (I AM someone who is willing to taste something new). Move some furniture around in your bedroom (I AM someone who is able to change my environment). Walk out to the letterbox backwards (I AM someone who is unconventional). That last one was a bit quirky but you get the gist. The above 3 examples read 'I AM willing, able and unconventional/unique'. In depression, our I AMs can be really hard to change and they can be super cruel (I am hopeless, lazy, pathetic etc). I AM going to my GP to get a check up is a good start, aka I AM someone who is trying to manage my life in small ways. Changing the 'I AM...' talk going on up there may not take someone out of depression but sometimes it can provide flickers of light in the darkness. It may help to keep a list of your achievements, even the small ones. Read over it often, as we tend to forget our small steps in life.

Take care xxxxxxx

[chrissy1]

Hello heyjude and therising

thank u for ur replies, they mean a lot. I’m still plodding along. Went to my daughters for mother’s day, saw my 2 grand kids and we actually had a belly laugh, it felt good I felt quite normal. We had take away, and that was so nice. Instead of nursing home food.

how are ur days going heyjude, one day at a time. Don’t be too hard on ur self.

Hello smallwolf hope ur doing okay.

take care all💕

chrissy1

Thank u both for all ur information.

[therising]

Hey chrissy1

So happy to hear you had a good day. Important to have people around you who remind you of your true value and who are able to bring out the light in you.

Take care xxxxxxx

[Doolhof]

Hi Everyone,

There is some really good information on this thread. It would be wonderful if someone had the time to go through all the treads and make a list of strategies and ideas that could help and assist people.

My problem is that I need to write things down to remember them, then need to remember to look at what I have written and then put it into action.

The good thing is that even one small helpful action or thought can make such a difference as a lot of you have mentioned here.

Thanks everyone for an encouraging read!

Cheers from Dools