I have completely died on the inside - am so incredibly depressed and lonely

[HeyJude]

Hi everyone - I a new to the site. I really need someone to talk to that can empathise and relate. I need to vent. My whole life has been hard, cruel at times, with an abusive childhood and I never really had a chance in life. I have been married twice and although was a good mother my first husband poisoned my children against me so we are estranged. My second husband is more caring but can't help me with the major depressions and anxiety I struggle with - he judges me and gets angry, saying it's bad behaviour.

People do like me but I just can't make close friends. I am the one who gets forgotten about...I am just so tired of walking this road alone. So, so tired. I know it is not normal, but I envy those with terminal illness. I feel for their pain very much though but I always think "why isn't it me instead - they have family, love, friends and a life. It should be me - I would not be missed at all (although I would worry about my daughter from my second marriage being effected).

I am currently doing some volunteer work and others appreciate me but do not realise how much internal pain I suffer. I have "no other family or friends to talk to". I don't feel I have any purpose in life, I feel helpless, irrelevant and hopeless. I am losing interest in most things. My husband thinks my depression is bad behaviour and can get angry, he doesn't understand - does not listen or talk much to me. I am the listener. I am the nurturer who looks after everyone - but I feel lost and in such great anguish and pain. I feel so utterly lonely. I was always there for others and never sought anything in return. It just would be nice to have my despair and pain eased for just some moments if just once someone could listen to me - just listen and not judge. If someone just cared. Not sure I see any point any more. I have absolutely no help. Anti-depressants do not work - I think this is all an accumulation of hurts, traumas, disheartenment and abuse over the years rather than a chemical imbalance which is leaving me feelings empty.

I have absolutely no zest for life. Feel dead inside. I find it hard to get out of bad.

[Ggrand]

Hello lovely Jude,

Thank you for your kind words I like people but can only manage to speak on line to them and when I care about someone and I know they are struggling hard and I don’t hear from them in a couple of days I begin to get concerns about them...meaning you dear Jude....

It took a while but my bad fear of living and being alone is starting to fade a little, but I will admit that when I’m in my dark spot, yes I’m very afraid because I know how easy it would be to go with depression and unhealthy thoughts...I am trying really hard to mange down times.... I am very isolated from my family as well as this small rural town I live in...I’m an outsider who operated then closed up their only shop after two years.....I feel unwanted here, but I do have one friend that I have a pot of tea with occasionally....I have several grounding boxes which I change around after I have used it...they really do help..do you have any grounding boxes..I have actgread called...”grounding what is it and how do we”..I done a lot of research on grounding once I heard about it...Please Jude if you feel up to it maybe check it out, in times of high stress and anxiety it hopefully will help you..

Inwont give up on my sons ever..it was me being to afraid to stand up and say no to my hubby that last year my son I had to adopt out contacted me and the circumstances surrounding that caused a huge rift between myself and sons....I totally blame myself for being so weak and afraid to say no....I love my sons and will never give up trying to reunite everyone...I have 13 beautiful grandchildren that I haven’t seen for over two years and this is also breaking my heart.

Jude, sweetheart please hold on to that hope, never give up on her, I know your not even thinking of that, but I believe the love between a mother and her children is the strongest love that can ever be and with time, patience, love, care and compassion that hopfully they will come back to us.

Jude if the side effects wear of after the 6-8 week time frame and they then work to help you, it’s something that I feel you could really need to think...I’m not saying yes or no..just maybe write out a list of good and bad s for them.

On Saturday is it possible to have a coffe with your friend?..or give her a ring and just talk for a while...Please Jude, if you need to please ring the mental health helpline..I cannot praise them enough, there care and compassion is o very real.. please take care of you dear friend.

Grandy.

[Ggrand]

Hello Jude,

RUOK?....It’s been a few days, and your husband went away for the day and I’m wondering how your managing and if your feeling okay....

Sitting by your side lovely lady, holding tightly on you...

Love and hugs lovely Jude...

Grandy....

[monkey_magic]

Hi Jude,

Just checking in to see how you're feeling today? ( hi Grandy & everyone).

I still think you have lot to offer:-) Feel free to share what you're going through if u need to I'll check in here.

Hope u can think of reasons to pull through. We all have survival and strength in us.....that can pull us out of things.

Love MM

[Ggrand]

Hello Jude..

Im just calling in to ask you RUOK?..No pressure to reply Jude, We are not allowed to pressure so no pressure at all, but when your feeling up to it..it would be so nice to hear from you with an update about how last Saturday went for you....and how your feeling...thinking....

I’m still sitting here with you lovely lady, holding tightly to your hands, please hang on to myself and Magic...Your important to me/us here lovely sweet Jude...

Ill continue to sit with you until I hear from you..if I write to much RUOK I will get in trouble...so please Jude,know I’m here or on mine anytime you feel/need/want to talk....Hoping to hear from you soon...

Big hugs🤗🤗🤗..Sweet Jude..

Grandy...

[Tess2]

hello HeyJude,

I have not been on these posts for a few months but have read your thread and really feel for you and identify with a lot of what you say.

Please dont believe that there is never hope, none of us know what is to come, fortunately. Your problems with your youngest daughter are truly distressing. But you never stop being a parent. My youngest son has had many problems, he lives with me, he is now in his mid 30's he does not work due to lots of problems. he has had drug problems and been in trouble with the Law. but he is a really kind and compassionate person at heart and cares for me. I have no husband to make it more difficult for me and his father is dead, a long time now. I watch him struggle to be a good person. He has a very disabled daughter, whom he cares for beautifully, but he is not with her mother. the mother is a very difficult person who does her best to make if difficult for him to have an ongoing relationship with his daughter. he is back in the family court now.

To be alienated from your other children must be terrible, i cant begin to imagine that. I had a disagreement with my other son who lives in the UK and he messaged me saying i was not to contact him or anyone in his family ever again. it was terrible. we both apologised and it was all fixed in a few days but how i felt for those few days was indescribable.I think you are very strong. and to recognise that you you should not drink and to be sober for so long is amazing. And you recognise that it is just a temporary escape and just leads to more depression. Good n you.

Hang in there, reading your story gives me strength you are a good person. It is hard feeling that you do not have a support system, so take some strength from here and the people who want to help you. I know it is not the same as real life people, but it is support and real.

Tess

[HeyJude]

Hello dear Grandy, Monkey_magic and Tess

Such beautiful people. I received shocking news yesterday - my husband's cancer has spread. He has to undergo more aggressive treatment (radiation/chemotherapy). I may lose the only person who ever truly loved me.

Have you every exerpeinced that inner pain where it's hard to breathe or walk? The weight of the depression is so great you can't move? I don't know how I will cope. My husband was in chronic pain in his neck and joints - was not that enough? It just seems one thing after the other. Like being knock down by a car and when trying to get up one is run over again. It's just too much.

My daughter visited and is trying to get her life together. She cares but could still take advantage of me if I show too much weakness. I am so alone. I just don't know how to be positive under such horrific circumstances. I would swap places with my husband in a heartbeat. He is so strong and I have to try to be for him, but how? I am devastated and not sure if my physical and mental health can endure this. I am not sure if all this stress is worth it. Life is meant to be not easy, but surely not this hard. I am drowning - crying everyday, I just can't stop.

Tess - your son has such a caring heart and inner strength to care for his daughter so. To have such compassion the epitome of love. I have felt this...but now feel just numb. The estrangement from my children, the pain was indescribable. Worse than death as the latter one has no choice. I feel I am a good person but everything that I held dear is being taken away from me and my pain unmentionable. I feel like I am dying inside and am not sure how long I can endure this. I may try and seek out a social worker but there is so little help out there.

Thank you for your kindness Grandy, Magic and Tess - people like you ease it and deserve the very best. Wishing you much love and happiness from a grateful tortured soul.

[Ggrand]

Hello Lovely zjude,

I was so relieved when I noticed you had posted, I have been worried about you since the weekend you were on your own...

Im so very deeply sorry about the bad news of your husband....and your uncertainty of your future...I could have written those exact words 5 .5 years ago.....and yes the inner pain is so debilitating and so real..I can relate to those feeling , I’m sorry you’re going through those feelings...

I wish I knew what to say to you to help take away your hurt, pain and your fear of your uncertainty of the future...

I have to many memories coming into my thoughts as I’m talking to you..please know that I care very much about you and I’m not letting you go nor leaving you alone...I’m in a bp episode of mixed emotions and finding it very exhausting but wanted you to know that I still sitting with you...I will be back later to talk more..please try to remember that you are stronger then you think you are,,,you really are....Please look after you, eat healthy, drink water mostly..

Please Jude I will be back to talk later when my silly emotional head settles a bit.....

Take care beautiful lady...

Sending you some love and hugs Jude...💜💜🤗🤗..

Grandy...

[HeyJude]

Hello dear Grandy

It means so much to me that you posted giving support when feeling not good yourself. I so appreciate your care and friendship. You are one of a kind special! Please do look after you as you are important. I hope you are feeling a little better today.

I am feeling somewhat better. I did receive a phone call of support from someone who is turning out to be a very good friend and this has helped a lot. My daughter is also trying hard to turn her life around and she cares. It will take her some time as she hit rock bottom but now I believe she has a chance if she keeps trying.

My husband starts harsher treatment in a couple of weeks - so it will be a hard slog. But I am trying to hold to the good and remain hopeful. My physical health isnt goodeither, so I am working on this hoping it will lift my mood. So today I am just that bit better. I will be up and down but I relish the better days and try and live for the moment.

Please let me know how you are doing now Grandy as I genuinely care for your welfare also. You are very special.

Send a warm shoutout to Monkey_Magic and Tess - all your caring posts have helped me a lot to keep going. Will check in again soon. Sending warm hugs to you all 🤗❤️

[Ggrand]

Hello Jude,

It really does warm my heart knowing that you are feeling somewhat better, and also that you received a phone call from someone that looks likes she and you will be very good friends....I’m really very happy for you in that way...We need someone don’t we, that we can be their for them and they for us....

I hope so much that your daughter does turn her life around, and I’m so happy that you have her in your life...Its really good to hear that she cares..

Im really sorry about your husband...I know how hard it is to go through what you’re going through, my heart is truely breaking for you.....Its really hard.. Please look after yourself as well as your husband..I know that’s hard to do but please try, you have your daughter that needs you to be strong for her as well as your husband...if you can draw strength from each other...

Im doing okay Jude, please sweetheart, don’t worry about me...Memories/flashbacks (CPTSD) can at times be hard to manage..but I’m coping okay and am okay....

Thats the best thing we can do for ourselves is to relish the good days and try to live in the moment (mindfulness) as much as we can...very well said sweetheart....

I hope you can sleep good tonight and dreams of something peaceful....

Love and hugs dearest Jude..💜💜🤗 ..

Grandy....

[HeyJude]

Thank you for the beautiful message and for caring about me enough to post Grandy. I was relieved to read that you were coping okay. Made me feel better also. As I care about you too.

I do understand triggers and flashbacks, I suffer PTSD - strangely with me, I seem to be able to disassociate from them during the day (I am good at blocking most things out and numbing for survival), but it's when I finally go to sleep at night it hits savagely with horrific nightmares, sweats and I wake up having panic attacks, can't breathe - it's maddening. This went on without a night's break for two years til date, but recently they have eased. No idea why but I am very grateful they have. Wishing me peace in my sleep meant so much to me my friend. Thank you.

I am showing more inner strength for my husband and daughter. I don't cry everyday now. I do have to learn to cope. Your compassion and my friends is helping me to do that. Yes Grandy, we certainly do need someone to be there for us and for them. We all need someone. I am now convinced. That's why I am so scared of being totally alone as I don't think anyone would cope....I would not want to be forced in a corner where I had to take my life through despair. That is not something I see as peaceful at all. I, like you, want a chance to experience happiness again and live life to the full - and help others along the way. I am ill at the moment, but am working on trying to change my thought patterns towards recovery. Very hard to do on my own.

I have to go to the hospital with my husband Thursday week while his treatments are being assessed. It's a three hour drive each way to a very busy city and a huge hospital. Being agrophobic I am terrified about hyperventilating and not coping. But at the same time I can't let my husband go alone. What do I do to cope?

If I am left alone in the hospital while he is having tests, there is a very good chance I can disassociate and having a massive anxiety attack and hyperventilate. I actually have never meant anyone with anxiety quite as bad as mine in that situation, being a massive trigger for me. I cope more locally, but not in unfamiliar areas with massive crowds. Any advice from yourself or anyone reading would be hugely appreciated. I can't let my husband down but I also can't flip out on him either. What a dilemma. My anxiety is rising just thinking about it. Otherwise I look after him well in the home. My anxiety when in hospitals or places far away is debilitating. xx