I don't know what to do - a mess of a situation

[rhinoceros]

Hello friends

I am in a bad situation. I would appreciate your advice and insight. I have been in a relationship for almost four years. It's been really hard at times. I love her sincerely but recent developments have have made me realise that I don't think I can in good conscience stay with her any more.

For majority of our relationship we have had issues with intimacy. This was a mess. Unfortunately my AD medication had adverse side effects. She assumed I didn't find her attractive and I guess responded with a threat response. I was screamed at, belittled and told that this is my problem, you need to fix it. I accepted this and sought counselling to help. This had repeated so many times that I no longer was interested in intimacy. I was actually afraid of it and still am. Similarly with other issues/concerns, they were usually met with either a very defensive or aggressive response, despite my best efforts to be diplomatic and gentle in my manner. Most of these particularly nasty memories are from some time ago now, (at least a year usually) but have done a lot of damage.

She had been away for the last three weeks. During this time a friendship with a female co-worker started. I confided in her about ALL of the issues I've been dealing with. She displayed warmth, kindness and understanding that I simply forgot could exist. I developed feelings for her, she did for me. We agreed I'm not in a place to obviously do anything about it so unfortunately are no longer friends.

I attempted to break up with my partner yesterday. She was distraught and heartbroken. It was the opposite of the angry/aggressive person I feared. I care very much for her. She has no friends, barely any family and would be entirely on her own. I couldn't go through with it. We agreed to try and work through our problems. I want to believe we can do this, but deep down I don't think it will work.The fact I developed feelings for someone else plagues me with guilt and I feel like every word I say to her is a lie.

Right now I think I need to work through my own thoughts and feelings and then proceed to act from there. I feel like I'm some sort of monster and I don't know what to do any more.

[Aaronsis]

Thanks Aaron

Your message is lovely and thank you for your support, it is a really really tough time but with counselling and talking and being on here I am getting there..slowly. I am hurting for my dad who is just broken at the loss of his son, it just tears me apart.

I am glad to hear that you have made the decision to pull the band aid off if you like. It will be hard and there will be tears but you both deserve a chance at a fresh and happy life, and unfortunately, that is not together.

Just a suggestion from me but I feel like a free space is the best place, perhaps like a park or somewhere where you are both on equal territory, some fresh air will help too, perhaps even going for a walk, and I think that the how will just take over, I think if you can be totally honest and tell her how hard this is for you and you don't know what words to say as nothing is going to be the words she wants to hear.

I think if you keep to the facts and be totally honest then the words will come to you. If you cry who cares, it just means you do care and if you stumble that is fine too. She does deserve the chance at love and so do you Aaron.

Oh Vintage car, that sounds awesome and yes a drive in the country listening to your favorite Jazz music will be the soul food you need. Cats are so "on my terms" aren't they.....lol...but they make me smile everyday and life just would not be the same without them. My son plays drums and bass guitar and the saxaphone so music is a plenty at my house too, and I would not have it any other way.

Oh and just another thought, think about what you would like after a break up, like a follow up text or call or something the next day, just check in and see how she is....that is really important too, that way she knows you care for her.

Sorry I am waffling on now....lol

All the best

Sarah

[rhinoceros]

Dear Sarah

To see someone you love broken in that way would be so heart wrenching. I guess all you can do is be there for them to provide as much support as you can. It's hard, you would at times feel so powerless to help. I'm so sorry you have to go through something like that.

For me I realise now that I'll be happier out of this relationship. Breaking up is horrible, but I think in an almost perverse way it will be like a weight off my shoulders. I know there will be a lot of tears. This week there's already been lots of tears, and over the last four years I've cried more times than I'd care to admit to.

I like the idea of a space such as park or something. Finding a neutral space is a good idea. It's hard, I still love her and care about her. Unfortunately, that's different to seeing a future together.

I need to work out what the facts actually are - right now my mind is a bit of a whirlpool, it's racing too quickly and it's hard to think coherently. Getting it onto some paper to almost take some of the emotion out of it and just see the facts as they are would be really helpful.

I've been speaking to my best friend about this mess a lot. He pointed out how over the last 4 years I've really only been concerned about my partner, I haven't done the right things for myself. I guess that short friendship I had with my work colleague made me realise how wonderful things can be, and that life shouldn't be as hard as it has been. It would nice to have the old Aaron back again.

I am so lucky to have a vintage car, there's something so therapeutic about a nice country drive with the sunroof open with Dean Martin playing on the tape player... the cats are wonderful too. Such unique personalities, but everything is on their terms!

I think after we do break up, not sure when/how that will happen, I will try and check in on her to see how she is going. Obviously if she doesn't want to hear from me, that's okay too. But I agree, that's the right thing to do. After all, I still love her and care about her.

By the way, you're not waffling all!

I can't begin to express how helpful your insight has been.

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

Thank goodness I am not waffling..lol..

I am so happy to hear that my tiny piece of advice has been helpful to you.

I think that what you said about writing all the facts down is a great idea, you can actually see them for yourself then and by rehearsing it I guess the words will come more easily when you have to speak them.

I feel sad that you have had a shitty week and this is happening to you, breakups are really bloody tough..but I am glad that you have been able to have a cry, it is so good to get it all out, and you should never feel ashamed or embarrassed by saying that you have cried, it would be a concern if you didn't cry in life.

I am glad you have a good mate that you can talk to too, someone who really knows you and is there for you, you are lucky to have a good friend. Also the fact that he mentioned you have not really considered your own feelings all this time is nice that he is there for you.

You seem like a person who has alot of emotional intelligence so I probably didn't need to say you should check in with her, It is lovely that you want to take care of her feelings too, even you saying all this I just know that the conversation that you have will go better than you think as you do have her best interest and her feelings in mind.

What sort of car do you have? I always wanted an old FC Holden and my grandfather had one...I am a fitter by trade..lol although I don't do it now but mechanics and automotive have been in my life and I love cars.

I am so happy to hear that there is that tiny bit of excitement that you have for getting the old Aaron back and that is so awesome and something really cool to look forward to, please do not feel guilty about that, you deserve a wonderful life.

The other thing I just thought of is that there is no pressure like you have to do it today or tomorrow, you just plan it out in your head and on your paper and when you are ready you do it....when you feel strong and when you feel the time is right. I know this also is harsh but you cant wait for a time when she will be ready to hear it as any time will be hard for her....but you know this is right for you so you must do it when you feel strong and ready.

Isn't that funny that I had to read "Tape Player" twice...lol...I was thinking OMG...my kids probably don't even know what a tape player is....lol....ah the good ol days.

Well hope you are getting to enjoy this awesome weather today..how good does the sun make you feel...

Cheers

Sarah

[rhinoceros]

Dear Sarah

Your advice and insight has been very helpful!

Today my plan is to get my facts in order and kind of figure out what angle I'm going to approach this awful thing from. I think when there's so much emotion involved it can get really hard to be coherent in words and in thoughts.

I certainly am looking forward to not feeling like this any more. I'm still really rattled so not sure I'm in the place to go through with this yet, however it is really hard in that my partner is being extra lovely to me. I know it's because she doesn't want to lose me. I don't mean to sound cold or callous, but it's too late. It's just so sad that it's happening the way it is. Obviously I can't hold off a great deal longer, it's really the sort of thing that makes people go crazy.

I think when I do go through with this (at this stage I'm thinking this weekend...)... I'm playing this all by ear. I will have to make an effort not to fall to pieces too much. I'll have to be caring, considerate and kind, but if I fall to pieces like I did last time, I suspect I'll buckle over again. I have to remember that I'm actually doing the right thing for both of us, even if she doesn't see it that way.

My car is a 1975 Mercedes 280SE - ever since I was a small child I've loved old cars. I get a great deal of joy driving it, if I'm in a bad mood or sad, I feel immediately better as soon as I hop in that car. My grandfather had an FC Holden too!

Right now I feel like I'm all knotted up. I guess naturally we don't want to hurt people, especially people we love and care about. I tried to make this relationship work as best as I could and for as long as I could, but ultimately it's no good if you're unhappy and the efforts you've been putting in for years generally are not reciprocated.

But yes, the old Aaron is due to come back. He's been gone a while, my mum said that for a long time I've been a 'lost soul'. She said after the last few weeks, my old self is coming back again. I will talk to Mum more tonight. Mums have SO MUCH wisdom. I love my mum so much!

It's funny- both my cars have tape players! I don't see it as a novelty, I'm just used to it, but my friends find it hilarious!

Weather down here is beautiful today. I'm going to go for a walk at lunch time and soak up some sun rays.

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning Aaron

I am so happy to hear that you have a plan and that you are going to get some stuff down on paper. I am sure that you are totally rattled and you would not be human if the pending thought of what you are about to do doesn't upset and bother you, so be kind to yourself.

There is so much emotion involved and I think that is why getting some order on the page might help you to focus on and try and keep the emotion in check..good in theory but I am sure it will be tough non the less.

You are right in that it is the best outcome for both of you and if you are not happy then that is not good for you or for her..and that is ok..in life we move through friends and lovers and relationships, it is how the world works, and just because you are ending this one in NO WAY makes you bad or horrible or anything like that..infact I admire that you can identify that even though you still love her and care for her that a future with her is not for you..that is a real credit to you.

I do hear what you are saying that waiting to do this could drive a person insane and the sooner the better...true but i think you will know when the time is and when you feel strong enough that you can stick to your commitment to yourself of happiness.

I know this might be hard too but if you feel like you are going to do it this weekend I can make sure that I check in online if you need to chat to someone to debrief to and get an online hug, I can make sure I am available to help you through.

How cool that we both have the old FC in common, they really are such a cool car..I can remember my Gdad's one was kind of a weird light green colour..and the seats and the seatbelts burnt our bums..lol

I get you are totally knotted up and that is a wonderful idea to take a lunchtime walk in the sun..I am in Melbourne I am not sure where you are but it is going to be 26 today so I am so happy about that..I might try for a lunch walk too.

I find it hilarious too that you have two cars with tape players, they are a thing of the past and in fact I was in Cooma last week with my dad, he turned 70 and I went into the Salvos..love those places and saw a tape by Hole...I loved that album soo much...I was so happy then thought..how are you going to play this Sarah...lol

Mum's are truely the best..and they just seem to know what you need..I hope my kids say that about me one day..lol..but yeah have a big chat to her tonight, she will at least be able to give you a hug.

Chat soon

S

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

I had a good conversation with a counsellor today. I told her how I work as jazz guitarist as well as having a 9-5 day job. She said to treat the break up talk like being a performance of sorts. The relationship in most ways has been a caring relationship more than a romantic one. I basically make sure she has dinner to eat, ring her at lunch time to make sure her day is going okay, check if she needs anything from the shops etc. When she was upset when I attempted to break up with her last Sunday, I buckled over because that instinct to look after her kicked in, I found it so heartbreaking to see her hurt, I couldn't do it. I guess that comes down to still loving her and caring for her.

At times this has been an abusive relationship, not physically, but certainly emotionally. That in itself is a big reason to get out! Particularly in those times where I had issues in the bedroom and was screamed and yelled at, that was abusive without question. If it was the other way around, I wouldn't even dream of being so cruel to someone who is already in a highly compromised/vulnerable position.

It's also been quite an isolating relationship in that I don't spend much time with friends. Certain friendships (with female friends) I had to more or less remove myself from. This happened gradually, but before I knew it I suddenly realised how isolated I have become.

Really I think this has to happen this weekend, but I'll play it by ear. I'm finding it really hard to be productive at work, and being so knotted up like this isn't much fun either. When I get this over with, I'll take that old Mercedes out for a nice long cruise and listen to that old motor hum along the highway.

I went for a lovely walk in the sun today, it's been 17 today, but I'm in Hobart - that's pretty warm! I have quite the collection of tapes. My guilty pleasure is Barry Manilow! I'm a sucker for tear jerker ballads. Also love listening to Roy Orbison - again more sad ballads!

I'm feeling eerily calm about this mess, but I think it means I'm pretty much ready to go through with it. That's a good sign, and deep down I know I should have removed myself from this relationship a long time ago.

Thank you again for all your kind messages - you have no idea how appreciative I am.

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

OMG Aaron I am so happy to hear that you talked to a counsellor today, that is such good news and it sounds like she has really given you some great stuff to work with and think about which is awesome.

I can already tell by your posts that you are feeling different, dare I say stronger and more positive, I really hope so. That makes so much sense what she said about being a carer rather than a lover, and once you put it like that and itemise all the things you do for her it really seems to be that way. I am so happy for you that she has helped you get to this clarity.

I am sorry that you had to go through the abusive part and be screamed and yelled at, especially in the bedroom, that is actually beyond me to and I am not sure how anyone can actually do that to another person, let alone someone you are trying to build a relationship with and a future. The fact that you were isolated from your friends does add another layer onto it too, but I feel like you have woken up from a big sleep today after speaking with the counsellor and have so much great stuff to look forward to, that is so exciting.

Your mum will be so thrilled to hear how far you have come today and what break throughs you have made, I think she will notice a difference in you today too, which is awesome.

17 in Hobart is pretty warm..lol..you probably needed a t shirt on....that was a joke...lol

I love a tear jerker ballad too, something you can belt your guts out to, the best. I am not sure I am a big O fan, but if it works for you then that's what matters.

The eerie calm is soo good, I really think you have come so far today. I think you will be ready when you are ready and just go with it, we can look back and think "oh should have done this years ago" I know I did after I left my marriage finally but hey, you are doing what is best for you now and that is the main thing.

It is my pleasure to have been here for you and to chat this through and I will be here for as long as you need me to be, believe it or not, you have been helping me too Aaron.

Have an awesome arvo

Cheers

S

[rhinoceros]

Dear Sarah

So glad I spoke to a counsellor too. It can really help with perspective, and actually realising the gravity of how unhealthy my situation has been. I guess I never really want to think the worst of anyone, but in ways my partner has been controlling and emotionally abusive. Did she actually intend to be any of those things? I don't know, but I guess that's not the point. From the limited information I disclosed to this counsellor, she basically said I have to get out ASAP.

My partner can tell something is up - it's horrible because she is being extra nice to me. My inner cynic knows that it's really because she doesn't want to lose me. I don't mean to sound harsh or unkind, I still love and care for her, but it's at least two years too late for this change.

I think the three weeks she was away, I gradually woke up from being in a big sleep. I had this optimism that somehow things would get better, if I did enough or worked hard enough she would change and we'd be happy. I guess I see the facts as they are, basically all that hard work and effort I was putting in really didn't achieve much. In fact, it did damage , in that the relationship really went to being that of a carer and patient. It was partially my doing that things went that way.

The abuse hurt. At the time I accepted it was my fault, and that I needed to fix it. I believed everything my partner told me. I appreciate how hurt she must have been feeling, but I can't get my head around how someone would treat anyone like that, especially in such a delicate/vulnerable situation.

I'm still obviously not wanting to hurt anyone, especially someone I still love, but for the first time in years I need to do what's right for me. Hindsight is a funny thing, there are so many times where I should have left, but I had such little self-confidence left that I just assumed everything was my fault.

Today it's hot in Hobart - 27! Unfortunately I'm wearing a suit and tie asI have a gig straight after work. I'll still go out and go for a walk to soak up some Vitamin D.

I'm so happy that I have helped you even in some small way- I feel very grateful for how you've talked with me and how genuinely kind you are.

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

27 in Hobart..woah..sweltering day for you, enjoy it as I think next week it all turns a bit yukky again, well for us here in Melbourne anyway! We have 29 today..not to brag..lol

The counsellor really has given you perspective and I can tell you are starting to see things with a whole new set of eyes and that you are starting to put you and your happiness first which is so awesome and so very important.

Like you said, your partner has never intentionally meant to damage you, I really can't think that is possible for someone to intentionally damage someone, but the facts are the facts and you have felt hurt and been made to feel unworthy as a man and as a human and that is never alright.

I am sure too that she probably has an inkling that something is up, after all you have already had a conversation with her, and like I mentioned before, she has now had a few days to think about things and prepare for what next, hence why her behavior has changed too..but like you said, you surely don't want to hurt anyone, but the point is she has hurt you for so long, so unfortunately to stop the pain for you means some temporary pain for her. It will be temporary, we do get over break up's in life, we really do and she will too. You cannot stay in this relationship for your mental health and I don't think she can sustain the happy bubbly lovely person she is being at present either. The issues in your relationship are so not your fault and you need to know that.

You sound so much stronger and the growth you will have after this is all said and done will be so wonderful for you, you can fly off and be free and be you and that is so exciting.

Yes hindsight is a ripper and we would all be so very different. In saying that nothing is ever a mistake if you learn from it, it is a lesson and you have certainly, to your credit stuck around and given it your best, and now the lesson is over, and you can move on.

You have helped me in so many ways, by allowing me to think about your issue and chat to you has allowed me some time off from my grief and that has been so wonderful, I am kind of sick of myself crying and being sad, so to see you come so far and seem so much stronger has really lifted me.

I am not quite sure how you do a 9-5 job and then do a gig as well..I would be asleep at my desk tomorrow..lol..but it is so good you are out there and getting into life. Hope the gig goes well tonight and that you have heaps of fun.

Chat soon

S

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

Just got back from a walk outside. Hot! We have really intense UV in Tas, and my pasty white skin burns real easily! It was nice to get out and about though.

I guess where things have changed now it's not a question of 'do I leave', it's now a case of 'I have to leave'. It's so unbelievably painful to keep going on in this relationship now knowing it's not right for me. It's like being slowly tortured, but at the same time I'm actually torturing someone I love and care about! Saturday morning will be the time I be brave and finally end this thing. It's not going to be pretty but I'll have to hold my ground and do the right thing.

The counsellor I spoke to made a great point in regards to my worries about my partner having no friends, and not much of a family. Before I came along, she was okay - once I go, she'll be okay again, at least once the hurt from the break-up has passed, which it will.

In a strange way I think this has all happened for a reason. The reason why I couldn't be on holiday for that three weeks with my partner was that I became sick with a nasty illness called labyrinthitis, it's an infection of the inner ear. I lost 50-60% of my hearing in one ear due to this. I'm kind of nursing it along, hoping it'll improve with time, so long international flights in a pressurised cabin on a plane isn't going to help.

If it wasn't for that, I would have had those three weeks to realise how unhappy I was. I wouldn't have made that beautiful friendship that made me realise how easy life could be. Sometimes I think the universe has a strange way of 'shoving' us in the right direction.

Truthfully I don't feel all that strong right now, but I know everything is going to be okay no matter how much this will hurt. That's what I'll have to hold on to for the time being. I am lucky to have good people who I can go to for support. As you say, I'll fly off and be free! It's been a long time since I can truthfully say I've felt free.

I can definitely look back and feel that I've tried my best. I gave it every chance, but in the end an unhappy relationship is exactly that. We generally don't enter relationships to be unhappy. It's normal to feel unhappy at times, but that should be the exception, not the rule.

I'm so glad I've been able to help, my worries and issues pale in comparison to what you are going through, the fact you have made time to talk to me is really generous of you.

Aaron