I Don't Even Know Anymore...

BenignSky · ‎01-06-2017

Hey, guys,
I've been drifting around in the social sector of Beyond Blue but decided to post on here. The title really says it all. I'm unsure of everything and anything.
My name is Emily (or Em or any other nickname you wanna call me) and I'm fifteen years old, yes I'm still a baby. I don't really know what's going on with me, but I can tell you, I've been through a lot. From bullying, body image issues, sexual assault twice, friendship issues, online issues, relationship issues, losing loved ones, random and so few panic attacks, self harm and what I can only describe as an eating disorder yet not professionally diagnosed - I've had a good share of what life has to offer.
My issue, at the moment, is this. My friend (A) was dating this girl (B). B, had been lying about some serious issues, a lot of which I've had experience with. It is believed that B isn't telling the truth and for good reason, but there must be a reason for the lies - right? Anyway, A and B broke up a few weeks ago and A made this group chat online with my friendship group for support because he was all over the place. Anyway, basically it turned into a place to plan attacks on his ex girlfriend. I'm not like that. So, me being me, went and said something to a teacher because I can't let something like that happen. Like, yeah, she did something horrible but at the same time, she doesn't deserve to get treated like that. Word has gotten back to my friends that I told the teachers and now I'm about to lose everyone so today is fun.
I get it was a bad move on my half, and pretty disloyal to my friends, but my morals will always win.
And bloody hell, now random people are messaging me and I've made a right mess of myself.
And I'm gonna lose everyone that I care about and I'm gonna be alone again and I'm frustrating more and more people. I'm awesome at relationships, did I mention that? Seriously, all my friends are avoiding me now.
Why do I do this to myself, argh...
And this is one of the many reasons I hate myself.
It's taking me so long to write this post because I'm dealing with it as we speak.
There's so much more I wanted to say on here but my life has just been consumed by this...dark cloud known as social media and loneliness. I went against my parent's advice by bringing this up with my teachers when I should've just left it but I didn't want to be involved and I can't let bullying happen, especially when I know B isn't coping.
Why do I do this to myself?

BenignSky · ‎23-06-2017

I feel alone, lonely.

I feel like I've scared people off on here too (they reply to other people on the thread and ignore my post)

I have a bad habit of doing that ^^^^^^ Turning things against myself, but it's how I feel.

I'm sorry to everyone I've ever had contact with, because I've just messed up their lives.

I just want someone to talk to.

james1 · ‎24-06-2017

Hey Em

You haven't scared people off. Just sometimes people get busy and reply where they feel they have something useful to say.

We all have our own experiences and sometimes people might find it hard to relate.

Do you remember why you first joined this forum?

My psychologist often asks me the same about therapy. It's important to not let this replace your everyday life. I care deeply about you and it is from that care that I say this: I really hope that one day you won't feel the need to talk to me or anyone else here because you found happiness in your offline life. Until then though, and even then, you have a safe space here with friends.

James

BenignSky · ‎24-06-2017

I have a habit of doing that; I'm just too forward with people. And I don't mean on this thread, bahaha, but yeah, I get what you're saying. I am just really bad socially (this is where my immaturity comes out with big green horns).

I joined because I needed someone to talk to. I needed people who had been through similar, new what I was feeling like, that's why.

Yeah, I know, I guess...mm.

BenignSky · ‎24-06-2017

It's 4:00am and I can't sleep and no one is up to talk.

BenignSky · ‎24-06-2017

something is wrong with me. i don't know what it is. i'm not normal.

BenignSky · ‎25-06-2017

you know, i try to be good. i try to be a good friend, a good person, a good student, a good daughter, a good sister, good co worker. i try to be there for people, i try do the right thing. i do try my best at everything i do and i'm sorry my best isn't enough for anyone, or it angers people, or frustrates them - i'm just trying to be nice, you know? i'm just trying to be there for people and make sure they're okay; to be the person i need when i'm not okay. so why do i get treated like dirt because i'm trying to be nice?

i think i've done something to anger the world. i must be a bad person. why else would i be slammed for doing the right thing, being myself, loving,being caring?

i don't know anymore.

james1 · ‎26-06-2017

Hey Em,

I can see you were really hurting yesterday. How are you feeling today?

We are often victimised because we are trying to help others at our own expense. We accept the love we deserve - i.e. "love" to us, means we give love and if we get a thanks back, that is good enough. We are happy to be thanked. And we suppress any thought of actually deserving love back - no one would love the real me, but I can love them instead.

You said you feel like you are being yourself. Perhaps it's a good thing to remind yourself what that is. You talked about a good friend, student, daughter, sister and co-worker; these are things you do for others.

But you leave nothing for yourself. You are a wonderful person - but for everyone else, not yourself.

I don't know how to show you that I do care for you because it starts with you telling yourself that someone does care, and that you do deserve a psychologist who can support you regularly.

James

BenignSky · ‎26-06-2017

Hey,

That's...that's pretty much me to be completely honest. I don't care if someone doesn't love me back, I just want to love someone and have them accept it. I just want to be close to someone. And be warm, so warm. Just want someone. Anyone.

I don't feel like a wonderful person, I make people feel bad.

I'm sorry.

james1 · ‎26-06-2017

Hey Em,

I can see you're feeling really alone and it is very easy to get engulfed in these feelings.

But if you think about the people you talk to here on the forums, you're being really helpful to them and they're responding back to you as well. You're making some good friends here based on both give and take. And that's the best thing about the forums - we're all here to give love and support, and to receive love and support.

You're a really valuable person here, because we, like you, also just need someone to talk to.

As you said to Hamsolo in the friends cafe:

"I know it's hard. You have to have faith in yourself, and faith in those around you. You can always change, things can only get better if you're at rock bottom."

We can see that you're trying hard and you're really in the pits right now. But you will be able to control these feelings better some day, and it will be better.

You mentioned that you're going to Germany next year. Have you started planning for that yet?

James

BenignSky · ‎26-06-2017

I hate being alone. I've been alone for 15 years, but I hate it, especially when I've come so close to having a connection, but I've never been good enough. I was just enough to bridge that gap in their heart so they could go find someone better. I just want my love for someone to be enough.

The thing is, as much as all of this helps me and I benefit from reading people's stories, I can't talk to you guys, I can't catch up with you, I don't know what any of you look like, I can't hear your voice - you know? And that's what I need, someone there.

I wish I could fall out of love.

No, I haven't started planning. I've done no language or started listing what I need to pack etc etc. The thought is kind of daunting. I'm taking small steps at the moment. I'm trying to get over school. My two week break comes up at the end of this week.