I can't find the right place for me to post

[Moonstruck]

I don't know any more where to put a new thread if I make one, or which ones to join in. I always used Anxiety because that is my major condition but that has been relatively under control lately - I feel Depressed today - but I don't qualify for the topics there either. I'm depressed mainly because there doesn't seem a place for me. I love some of the threads and personal thoughts for example in Staying Well, but I can't join in there, because I don't have any tips for Staying Well.

I tend to have almost paranoid thoughts through over-thinking "problems" that I would like to talk over but don't know where to talk them over before they reach the paranoid stage...I want to avoid that. I join in the Social threads saying light hearted jokey things because thats the only place I seem to belong.

I dwell on any problems my adult sons have in various aspects of their life and want to "fix things for them" - our relationship is very loving and close though - they are wonderful to me - so there is no real "problem" with my relationship with them....so I don't seem to belong in the "relationships, family" section either do I?

I worry about them all the time - when I tried to express this on forum I think it was misconstrued that I had "empty nest syndrome" - trying to adapt to my sons' leaving home....No, that's not it...they've been gone for years and years...I am a grandmother.

I liked the Getting to Know You, or is it Me? thread very much - but have been given suggestions how to start my own thread and what section to use etc and get the feeling I'm being steered away from there too.

So I am still confused. I don't feel particularly anxious today, so this shouldn't even be in Anxiety! Do you see my dilemma?

In fact the more I write the more I feel like crying - I don't know where to go next.

[Moonstruck]

I hope the Single Parents section goes well CMF..sounds like a good idea too. I think there is where my over-inflated sense of "responsibility" may have come from. The need to Look after everyone, please others first,make sure others are OK before myself, put myself last.....because in essence, that is what a single mother has to do, in order to be a really good one...put the children first.

Thank you for your kind words "you are good enough and you do deserve them"....that means a lot. I think you're a better Mum than you give yourself credit for sometimes too CMF, I can tell.

I felt the responsibility even more, because I was all they had. whatever their needs were...I was the one who had to fill them- being only "one person" and a person in deep pain herself at the time,this proved overwhelming. I find myself still filling others' needs if I can..before my own....I'm a work in progress I suppose.

Today I am still overcome with very bad hip pain...it hasn't gotten much better The physio wants to see me again Saturday morning. I hope I don't have to tell him it is no better. In the middle of that the flash flood waters seem to rise very very fast here (Cyclone Debbie sending her rain down to us in the South-East) and a couple of centimetres from the top of my front doorstep.

Panicked, rang SES to put me on the list to bring some sandbags..in case the heavy rain continued through the night, my unit may have been flooded or something......was a horrible frightening feeling. then it stopped suddenly ,cleared up and the sun came out....so I cancelled the request. Now it's started again...oh please don't let it last for long . So we are all not a pretty sight here...I hope I am still here and not washed away by morning. Catch u later.....

[Croix]

Dear Moon~

I know that me just saying this will not hep much, the words will be only that, words. I hope at some time when you are in just the right frame of mind they will sink in - if only a little - and give a tiny moment of peace and self-praise (which you deserve).

You know it already, maybe somebody else repeating it will make it more real.

In an ideal world kids have two loving parents to bring them up - do everything from providing money to the laundry and reading them stories and so on. Give them their love.

In a less than ideal world that often falls on the shoulders of only one, same set of tasks, all just as important, but only one to do them all -including providing the love that would come from two. Almost impossible, even if everything goes well.

If things don't go well, that person is ill, then some things have to go by the wayside -and the compulsion to nurture turns to guilt and selflessness to the point that the person consumes themself -or feels she needs to.

This circular state of mind becomes entrenched and will not shift, except with time and support. Please be kind to yourself. Inside you is the real Moon, she will emerge.

On another matter, I guess you have established the thread you were worrying about right here. No need to go further. Between Sara's thread and this you can say anything

Croix

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[Moonstruck]

Thanks Croix. Funny receiving this now..as my intention for getting on Forum at this moment was to say I had little hopes for this "thread" of mine getting off the ground It certainly won't make the required 100 to get on the Long Term Support Over the Journey thread! I doubt many would be/are interested in it as they seem to be in many others. I just haven't struck the right chord - I don't know what it is.

I don't seem to resonate or click with many on Forum. Except Gruffudd..(LOL) .and that's really saying a lot isn't it? If you get my drift.(no offence Gruffudd) I know he has a marvellously warped sense of humour and I would not hurt his tender heart for the world.

You say the real Moon will emerge. I am sure you agree that both you and I caught a glimpse of her over the past weeks when she took up an old activity and had a superlative time being the real "her" while pretending to be a lawn bowler. ( I know you can figure out what I mean and probably know exactly where I was and what I was doing, you clever thing) I've decided to go back too.

Yeah re my over=worrying about my adult sons - I can see I am trying to "over compensate" for past shortcomings which are far too late to fix now. If I was worried about them then, I probably got overwhelmed with the responsibility and consequences and I simply had a drink to dull the pain, worry and fear.

Realising and accepting that it is far too late now....to go back and fix things.is still a work in progress. Perhaps it will never end.

It's amazing how circumstances can change in a twinkling of an eye. 2 weeks ago I was flying on all cylinders, sparkling like a diamond - for the past 5 days I've been in agony with a thigh/hip condition..not sure what with - it's dreadful pain 24/7. The only slight relief is when sitting up against an ice pack, as soon as I stand, the severe pain begins. It doesn't go away when lying down either.

I see the physio again tomorrow. He taped it up for me and gave acupuncture. This worked last time I had this pain last year and strengthening exercises I used to do had kept it from coming back. It has come back and how!!

I can barely stand, in tears with the pain. I have never known anything like it. What have I done to myself? Obviously torn something, or pulled something, or strained something - there are no pain killers strong enough.

Did you get my message on your Croix Parler? About Tiger Bay? Thanks for writing.....Moon S.

[Jugglin_Strugglin]

Dear Moon, just quick reply to say that I had hip pain recently, in addition to my chronic lower back pain. Had xrays etc as I was convinced it was hip arthritis or similar. Turns out to be referred nerve pain from spinal nerves. Like sciatica but not. It Varied from excruciating heavy deep ache in hip joint to burning knifes/shooting pains in thigh. Just a thought. Is your back ok?

Looking forward to a longer chat soon in reply to your lovely post.

[Croix]

Dear Moon

Yes ta I got the message, but will reply there because I had something more to the point to say here.

Firstly JS may be right about refered pain, my spinal condition does that into my hips, nothing wrong with the hips.

Now Moon I wanted to tell you I have an ambition, that beforeI pass I come to accept everything I've been and done in peace. No hope of fixing everything - in some ways not even my task any more, just look at myself and see the bad and the good - in proportion, and to know Im human, With faults and strenghts, loving and loved, and accomplishment as well as things missed.

You said Realising and accepting that it is far too late now. I honestly think you are wrong. A number of months ago I found a spot on my lung was benign, prior to that I convinced myself I was very probably on the way out.

After panic stopped I started down the road to reconcilition with myself. I will get there. I think you will too, but earlier than that. I also think bowling is one vehicle that you will get there by.

I'm sorry if I'm not making that much sense Moon. All it boils down to is that it is never too late, and you are not responsible for all the ills in the past you think you are. Give yourself time and bowl.

Croix

[Guest_322]

Hi Moon,

Sorry, I'm responding to an older post so this might seem a bit out of place.

You know, I don't think anyone has something earth shattering to say every single day. I certainly don't and neither do most people.

I don't think our lives are any more or less challenging or interesting than yours. Your life is your life and my life is my life. I can assure you that writing a freakin' public health report for uni earlier today was not earth shatteringly interesting.

Oh Moon, I think you underestimate yourself. Of course you're "useful" as you put it. So cliched but we all bring something different to the table. How boring would it be if we all held the exact same views and wrote in the exact same way? Yawn....beauty in difference, huh?

How to forgive oneself? That's a pretty big question. I guess it's a different path for everyone but my 2 cents is accepting that we're human and that means messing up sometimes. Now I'm not saying you have "messed up" with your sons- I'm talking in general terms.

I kind of see it as less about the " mess" (so to speak- again, I'm not calling what you have with your sons, "a mess") and more about figuring out how to clear the mess. Like how to move forward.

In saying that, that's only my perspective. It may not be relatable to you and that's okay.

About fitting in/not fitting in, that's a tough one. It's all very well for us to sit here and say you belong but it doesn't mean much unless you feel it. And that's the tricky part.

For what it's worth, I suppose we all have moments of self doubt. I definitely have moments where I wonder what on earth am I doing on BB (?)

Hang in there Moon.

Dottie xxx

[CMF]

I think you resonate with many of us Moon.

[Croix]

Dear Moon~

You said:

know you can figure out what I mean and probably know exactly where I was and what I was doing,

I do have a good guess at what you were doing, I do not have any idea where you might have been doing it. I never try to figure out where anybody is - that would be a breach of faith, plus I'm happier not knowing.

As far as I know you could be on Mawson Station - though bowlers might find it a bit nippy there 😞

On reflection I think there may be any number of opportunities for bowlers matching your demographic.

Croix

[Guest_322]

Hi Moon,

Haven't slept very well. Been awake for a while now and for whatever reason- guided by instinct in typical Dottie style- you were the person that I thought to reach out to...

This is a very sleep deprived person writing so hopefully what I'm saying makes sense. I hope your thread takes off and meets the 100 post minimum to be moved to the LT section.

I enjoy your posts because there's something very down-to-earth and quietly intelligent about you. Stupidity is loud, smart is showy but wisdom and intelligence is subtle (I just made that up but I like to think there's some truth in it haha). Some of my favourite offline people are the quietly intelligent types.

I hope physio goes well today. The pain sounds excruciating. To be in pain even from standing...cringes at the thought...ouch barely covers it.

I personally think it's fantastic that you relate to Gruffud. He is wickedly funny and I'm willing to bet he's a lot smarter and more perceptive than he lets on. An irreverent sense of humour can hide a lot of personality goodies 😊

I have to admit that your comments about not feeling as though you fit in anywhere on BB resonated with me. I sometimes feel that way. Corny (Cornstarch) once commented that I struck her as a "lonely wanderer." Bang on the money. Speaking of which, I miss Corny. I still maintain that she would make a great shrink for my generation.

Oh how I love to ramble...maybe don't focus too much on the outcome- like this thread reaching 100 or not- and just keep posting here (and elsewhere) as you see fit. Super cliched but it's often when you're not looking that things fall into place.

Good luck with the physio.

Dottie x

[Moonstruck]

Greetings all...thanks for supporting me and your kind words.

A couple of you appear to be right about the "hip" Jugglin' - turns out it is pinched (or something) sciatic nerve or similar and yes resulting from lower back pain...although the pain has been in my upper leg from lower hip down...and even turning numb sometimes this week. Physio gave me acupuncture to the nerve points and taped it (in the right place this time..I had mislead him thinking the pain was in the hip area).

Anyway it's all a long painful story...pain itself seems an elusive thing...fooling us that its in one place, then transferring to another...but I believe we are on the right track now.

Resting as much as possible (along with a sciatica exercise I mustn't overdo) is hard for me - to just sit or lie down and walk as little as possible??

It makes me feel like an invalid....he even gave me a walking stick to help and I feel like a fraud, as if I am asking for attention.."poor me" etc. I am just not used to being physically incapacitated in any way and HATE it!

I wanted the physio to fix me NOW.right now. Do what you have to do and have the pain go away NOW! this is a whole new place for me to be in - limping, crying with pain, leaning against fences, going slow as a snail....it's just not "me". Please don't let this be "forever"!

Love you all and thank you again for being so....so....."human-size and beautiful" (quote from J D Salinger)