I always do things ass about

[velvetfaerie]

My first introduction thread after being here FOREVER..... because I always do things backwards...

Velvz. Bipolar.... type? Not sure. I walked out of the psychiatrists office the day he tried putting me on more meds. That was a decade ago.

Anxiety issues. OCD issues. Occasional SH concerns. Checkered history of substance abuse.

I manage for the most part by exercising, good healthy food and good sleep practices. Substances these days are 3 drinks maximum and I'm rat assed.

I work full time. Study part time. Bought my own house years ago. On my own. Ok the bank helped lol!!! Most days for me are 10-14 hours depending. That's work and study and house things and exercise.

At the moment I'm struggling because I believe I've burnt myself out and pushed myself into hypomania. I'm all over the shop. Been here before but no psychosis stuff. Woo.

Oh man I don't know what else to say. No kids. Love kids. But conscious decision not to have my own. Love men. But sadly I'm intolerant to relationships after a while. Moody 😁😁

Animals and music are my passions.

Yeh so..... **** awkward silence***

velvz.

[velvetfaerie]

I think she would play up if I met the kids hence his fear. They are 14 and 10. I wanted to meet them then as things deteriorated in my head i realized it wasn't a good idea and way too scary. For me and them.

I still love him. I am angry. Hurt. Sad. Devalued. I would love a future with him but being near him physically the last 2 times I saw him make me recoil a little. Resentment. Because he cant stand up for what he wants. If in deed he wanted me.

We wanted a loving "family" type situation. Pretty much everything except me having kids. Live together. Me meet and know the kids. Maybe marriage. I say maybe because he was convinced I was against it. LOL. Not true.

It is really sad how this has gone.

I just wanted to be able to see my best friend more than 4 hours a month. 😞

I swear I am suffering physical withdrawals.

Thanks you so much CMF for your chats.

[CMF]

Anytime Velvet xxx

of course you still love him. Love doesn't just stop when things go bad. If you could see things deteriorating then you did the right thing not meeting the kids.

you weren't asking for much from him and yes, physical withdrawals. YOur heart is breaking. Be gentle and kind to yourself. Nurture yourself.

"Sometimes your heart needs time to accept what your mind already knows".

i hope you get some sleep my friend.

[velvetfaerie]

Wow. That's perfect. That made me well with tears. My friends have all been good too. Today my phone nearly blew up with them all wanting to catch up with me, not for any other reason than to say "Hey whats up?"

I felt unwanted in my relationship. etc.etc.etc. I ended it. Now the day after, I feel like my friends want me around. They don't all know about the breakup either.

[CMF]

I don't know how spiritual you are but sometimes in life things are brought/ given to us when we need them most.

Someone's looking out for you, just look up and say 'thank you' 😉

It's 11.30pm here. I'm going to get some sleep, I hope you do too. I'll check in on you tomorrow.

cmf x

[velvetfaerie]

I have my spiritual side 😄

I think you are right. I have been so down on myself. Told him he tore my self esteem apart after I had worked so hard to get it back. Guess the universe was saying I am worthy, I am loved and I am not what I feel at the moment.

Sleep well buddy.

Chat very soon.

V.

[velvetfaerie]

Sad. I just have to remember why I did it and my reasons weren’t outrageous.

Still gutted.

[CMF]

Hey my friend,

You'll be sad and gutted for a period of time but I think once you will soon see even more so, how miserable it was making you. When you start to enjoy your own company again and get your self esteem back it will click.

How was the rest of your day?

cmf x

[velvetfaerie]

That’s the thing, I wasn’t happy. And there wasn’t any relationship fundamentals. I’m angry at myself for being so damn stupid, accepting and kind.

Today’s ok. Been mostly busy until now. Just couple hours until gym time.

I think to myself, “do you want this person near you physically? Intimately? In the same room?”

Answer is no.

V.

[CMF]

'I think to myself, “do you want this person near you physically? Intimately? In the same room? Answer is no.'

I know this feeling too.

[velvetfaerie]

That means it’s died. Or dying.

Dead.

flame gone.