Husband left and I feel hopelss

[Jayne106]

My husband of over 16 years decided to break the news to me that he is no longer in love with me and needs time and space to find himself. He works a hugely demanding job and has been unhappy in his employment for a long time although he claims this has nothing to do with his unhappiness. He has now moved out of our home. I am madly and deeply in love with my husband. I know he has expressed he has had suicidal thoughts and has also tried to take his life recently. I have asked him to get help and I believe he has seen a GP but I have no idea if he is booked to speak to any one further and every second of the day I think about him. I really want to be there to support him. Our children are missing him dearly.They see my pain daily as I feel utter despair.I know people would tell me I have to look after myself and children and the children are my first priority although I am not able to function for myself.I just want to sleep as at least when I am sleeping the pain stops. I have always been a happy bubbly person and involved in many things and now I am finding I am withdrawing. I don't eat at all maybe a mouthful of food at each meal as I feel sick. I don't sleep more than 2 or 3 hours per night and I need sleeping tablets to get that. I begged for him to come to counselling with me to work on the marriage and he went to 2 sessions and didn't say alot except that he didn't love me. he was done and felt I didn't listen. I begged to keep going and to let me be his support through this. I am gutted and I feel I am losing it. My body is numb. I cry all the time. I am constantly thinking of him and how he is. I have booked to see a GP although not certain I will go as worried he will think I am weak. Do I continue to hold hope my gorgeous husband just needs time away and help? Am i just living in a fantasy. Can depression turn around and people see that there spouse was not the problem and they can make things work. Has anyone experienced this and had there spouse return or am I a fool and he really doesn't love me. One of my children told me today.. mum I believe dad does love you and I hope he soon will see it. Our friends are shocked and taken back at his lack of ability to try and this is why I am concerned for his mental health. My husband is the most amazing man and I see the hurt in his eyes now. I look at him and he looks broken ... I am a broken unit but should I be looking fine so he doesn't feel pity on me. I don't want him to come home from pity

[Jayne106]

Yep you are so right.. everyone does like to tell us it will get easier and yes they are most likely correct but at the moment I can't see it happening.
I did the same and finally made a list and my mum helped me today too get out and get some Xmas shopping done. I also had a few of our friends over tonight to celebrate xmas as we normally would and I was proud that we never mentioned him all night but it is torture watching them all sit there with their husbands and I don't have mine. We are all really close friends and they have been amazing but it is so hard but like i said i am super proud that no talk tonight was about him at all.
My eldest also got home today and he has been so great since he got home. Told me how much he missed me and we have just sat for a moment talking about his career options as we are awaiting his HSC results this week.
He has a passion for animals and tonight i told him to go for the dream he had and not lose sight of what makes him happy. He seems so much more focused after having 10 days away with mates.
It is amazing that neither of the boys are even missing their father. They said today the rule is we don't talk anymore about him so I said i respect their wishes.
So happy that you also got some Xmas shopping done today and are organising to see some friends too. We have never met but i am so glad to have everyone on this site as it all helps in one way or another.
I see my Dr again on Wednesday so hopefully we can get some plans in place of what I doo next.
Every night still when i get into bed i am thankful i made it through three day but the grief hits hard and i couldn't count the tears i have shed recently.
I could save the drought!

[MO2TG]

Hi Jayne
Exciting week.waiting for.HSC news. Hope he does well.
Had an ok weekend and feel like some Xmas stuff got done.
He is still very detached from me, like a polite stranger or really angry. I am learning to be.calmer and not let it affect me. This issue is about him and his anger that overtook our lives.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Jayne

Thanks for your kind words and support. The funeral was today and as sad as I felt, I also felt happy.

My friend had a wonderful, full life and left an incredible legacy of love for her family and friends. And she's not gone, she now lives forever in my heart.

I'm actually okay with it and grateful she didn't have to suffer (cancer, two weeks between diagnosis and death). So today is a day to count my blessings.

I hope there has been good news in your house regarding your son's HSC results. I remember going through it with my children, stressful yet exhilarating. Another milestone achieved.

I'm also pleased to hear you are getting organised for Christmas. You are doing so well in such a difficult and unfair situation.

Keep ploughing on. Kind thoughts to you

[Jayne106]

Hi
HSC results were great and really proud of what he achieved.
He didn't want to tell his father anything about results and despite my husband calling and messaging him the eldest didn't answer and asked me to send them to him which I did.
He then sent a message to the eldest yesterday to say how hurt he was he didn't message him and that he is hurting too.... told him if it is like this a week out from Christmas then he wouldn't come to play soccer with them last night and if he didn't message him back that he wanted him to go he wouldn't be there as he doesn't want to be ignored. He sent the message as lunchtime and my son never told me until around 6ish last night. I asked him did he respond to say he wanted him to come to soccer and he said no! He said he didn't like the way he text him and I must admit I understand where he is coming from. Making the kids now feel guilty that he is hurting! Honestly what does he expect from them.
I have told them finally only yesterday after this happened that he has quit his job and again the kids were shocked that he has done this now but said no problems with his job and never did it before leaving our family.
My doctor has doubled my medication over the xmas period to get me through which i suppose is a good thing.
I have done as much as i can to try and get my husband to seek help or explain to him the kids need time and space but he just doesnt want to see it.
Our mutual friends are even now lost for words as he will not even take their advice and just keeps putting his foot in it! Most people believe he doesn't have mental health issues but instead has been calculating this to leave. I am so unsure and confused that i just have to not think about it and just focus on the Kids and myself

[Jayne106]

I have been sp grateful to have the support on here as without it I don't know what I would do. It really is such a tough time and some days I am shocked how i even made it through to the end of the day.
It is only for my amazing family and friends and you guys on here that I am able to and my helpful doctor! My sister in law posted something in facebook about how parents shouldn't use the children against the other when relationship breaks down. One of those memes.... i know she was aiming for me so I just liked post and wrote nothing! So proud of myself. Thought if i liked it she would know i saw it! Honestly very upsetting to think they would think I was doing this when his own mother said to me some horrible things about him but i am sure has not said them directly to him but of course I am the bad one!
They are going adults and very aware what there father has done to one me and 2 themselves.
I heard from friends he feels under financial pressure and I have tried to not worry about how he is coping as otherwise I end up only focussing on him and not me. A mutual friend said it will only be now he is starting to feel the reality of what he has left behind... he has been busy resigning.. selling things...getting a place to rent and furniture etc and now that's all done... no job... no family and friends all busy getting ready for Christmas that they dont have time for him. It is harsh and I really really hate it. I would love to call him and offer to go for a coffee etc but I can't do it and I have to cut off that emotion as it breaks me daily otherwise.
I have to let him be and face the fact he doesn't love me and wanted out.
My life has to keep moving forward for my kids and myself. For my own sanity
Looking forward to 2020 and seeking more help as I move through the year as I know I will need it.
I just have to make it through the rest of 2019 first.
Hope you are both well and your families are too xx

[Tess2]

Dear Jayne,

you are doing so well, focussing on your sons and your coping. See how far you have come in such a short time. I know you must still be devastated, but you are doing the right things.

I think changing your bed sheets was huge and a symbolic point.

your sons know how things are and are supporting you as you support them.

Dont worry about Facebook and crappy posts. Get off Facebook I say. This is not how mature people should communicate with each other. If your sister in law has something to say to you, she should have the courage to speak to you. But she won’t.

You the people you can trust, stick to them and your children.

MO2TG you are also doing well and it is good the support you are getting here.

texs

[Jayne106]

Thankyou Tess.
I am devastated as you did but I know I have to do this for my kids and myself. I can't run away and rent a house on my own now would I want to leave my kids.
They are my everything and I would do anything at anytime for them and they know that. I am the one who has always been there when he wasn't and he fails to see what he missed out on. Unfortunately our children are older and saw first hand how much he missed.
I am just so worried about him but know I can't be as it will continue to break me.
Changing the sheets was a huge step and I am proud I did it. I even changed to the summer doona cover this week so a new look.
I brought an onsite caravan for the boys and I to enjoy down the coast. So we are so excited to have another spot to holiday.

[MO2TG]

Hi Jayne
Its been a big week. Lots of things going on. So happy you are doing the little changes. Small small steps but they help help keep moving forward.
I am thinking of a smaller dinner table different shape so it's not so obvious he isn't there at meal times. We always ate together as a family. Its going to be a little savings goal and something I will work towards
A fortnight ago he agreed to some marriage counselling. I was trying to improve our communication. He came he was so angry. So adamant we are done and that he was their under protest. He was arrogant,and brutal in his attitude. The counsellor called him on his anger. He left immediately after the session ended. Refused to take home any activity to work on or even agree to come to another separate session. The counsellor said from what he said in his 15 minute rant / dialogue was that he is very angry and he wants to hang onto it and doesn't know who he is. She was very good and probably the only other person who has witnessed the anger and resentment he has towards me. The best piece of advice I got was to keep being me.
I will keep moving forward. I am worthy. I am kind, loyal and a decent human being. I will achieve goals I set myself and plan my 2020.

[Jayne106]

Hi MO2TG
It looks like you have had a big couple of weeks too.
So glad you are also making little changes in your life too. You are so right... we have to plan for 2020 and look after us for a little while as otherwise I might end up in the nut house!
I am looking forward to finishing work today.... 5 weeks holiday coming up and have alot of things planned with my kids so looking forward to it. Even just a few days at home sorting out a few bits and pieces to set myself up for the new year to be on my own.
At least the counsellor called him out on his behaviour. Ours did the same and called my husband out that he needed to leave his job and that he has family issues he has never dealt with but he just kept saying he was over and out and done with our marriage.
So many times I want to ask him to head back to counselling as I have so many questions and also things i feel i would now want to say but there is no way he will ever attend anyway now.
I have started to think that he needs to live his new path in its complete form. He needs to experience what he has loss. I can not continue to worry how he is is what he is doing as it tears me apart everytime. He needs to get himself sorted in whatever that looks like.
I am taking my medication and making sure I remain positive around the kids. The youngest has still no license back due to his recently diagnosed epilepsy so he is very angry and upset. No driving til March at this stage. I feel for him as so much going on and he is the one I worry about. He is so angry at his dad and I can't talk to him as he tells me he doesn't want to discuss anything and wants to not even mention his name at all. I know he is just hurt. The eldest also believes the message he sent is to make him feel guilt and he said he doesn't at all feel guilty.
I wish i could tell him to stop treating the boys the way he has and give them the time and space they need but again he needs to learn things for himself. I have always been the one to organise everything we did our didn't do so now he needs to work this out. He didn't pay a bill and the bank called me and I had to tell him. It's all the little things he never had to do.
I am so lucky that my mum cooks for us and is an amazing cook and the boys and I are looking forward to what we have planned for food for the day. My step daughter contacted me and said she would like to come over xmas day so that will be nice for the boys and her to be together for sombre of the day and we can give her the gifts we have for her.
We are going to get through this one way or the other as hard as days will be we all have each other

[Summer Rose]

Hi Jayne and M02TG

For what it's worth, I think you are both amazing.

M02TG, I really like the way you are affirming your belief in yourself. Despite your hurt and the unfairness of the situation, I believe that you will confidently move forward. A new dinning table is a great idea. You got this.

Jayne, I really like that you are looking after your mental health and letting others, like your mum and step-daughter, in to ease the pain. You are awesome.

Yes, there will still be mornings when you wake up and wish things were different. That's your cue to remind yourself that things will get better. On those days that your husbands are angry and hurtful, keep focused on believing in your own power and spirit to make a better life for you and the children. And when you are tired and sick of battling on, just rest and reflect on how far you've come. Never give up, one foot in front of the other toward your goals.

Kind thoughts to you both