Husband left and I feel hopelss

[Jayne106]

My husband of over 16 years decided to break the news to me that he is no longer in love with me and needs time and space to find himself. He works a hugely demanding job and has been unhappy in his employment for a long time although he claims this has nothing to do with his unhappiness. He has now moved out of our home. I am madly and deeply in love with my husband. I know he has expressed he has had suicidal thoughts and has also tried to take his life recently. I have asked him to get help and I believe he has seen a GP but I have no idea if he is booked to speak to any one further and every second of the day I think about him. I really want to be there to support him. Our children are missing him dearly.They see my pain daily as I feel utter despair.I know people would tell me I have to look after myself and children and the children are my first priority although I am not able to function for myself.I just want to sleep as at least when I am sleeping the pain stops. I have always been a happy bubbly person and involved in many things and now I am finding I am withdrawing. I don't eat at all maybe a mouthful of food at each meal as I feel sick. I don't sleep more than 2 or 3 hours per night and I need sleeping tablets to get that. I begged for him to come to counselling with me to work on the marriage and he went to 2 sessions and didn't say alot except that he didn't love me. he was done and felt I didn't listen. I begged to keep going and to let me be his support through this. I am gutted and I feel I am losing it. My body is numb. I cry all the time. I am constantly thinking of him and how he is. I have booked to see a GP although not certain I will go as worried he will think I am weak. Do I continue to hold hope my gorgeous husband just needs time away and help? Am i just living in a fantasy. Can depression turn around and people see that there spouse was not the problem and they can make things work. Has anyone experienced this and had there spouse return or am I a fool and he really doesn't love me. One of my children told me today.. mum I believe dad does love you and I hope he soon will see it. Our friends are shocked and taken back at his lack of ability to try and this is why I am concerned for his mental health. My husband is the most amazing man and I see the hurt in his eyes now. I look at him and he looks broken ... I am a broken unit but should I be looking fine so he doesn't feel pity on me. I don't want him to come home from pity

[Jayne106]

I feel so blessed tonight to have found this support group. It is so nice to have the extra support.

I agree totally that he isn't well and I will keep hope he will seek help he needs to assist him finding his happy place and as I have expressed I am holding on that this is back here with us. I have also expressed to the people who have questioned the mental illness that no one attempts to take their life or does go and see a doctor if they arent unwell. my family have been supportive and can see he isn't himself. I can understand friends questioning him as again they are only concerned for me. I think they are concerned I am holding on to hope to be crushed again.

The boys and I have seen the counsellor and it was so great for them to have someone to talk to.

the youngest is struggling really hard at the moment and doesn't want to have anything to do with his father from here on. I think he needs some time away from his father at the moment to get his head around everything. I hope my husband can respect this. the eldest son is also starting to feel the same way and I think has gone into protection mode over his little brother which I can understand.

The irrational decisions have been so hurtful but insightful also that if he can make so many irrational large decisions so easily then I can hold onto the thought that he might stop at one point and realise what is happening.

I am very mindful this must be a difficult time for him and even though i am hurting and sometimes angry at what has happened I also know that I am needing to be there for him for support if needed.

My days are full with work... home duties and of course activities for the boys and this helps keep my mind active and busy all of the time so I don't have as much time to sit and cry.

People are expecting me to be strong and keep telling me they are amazed how I am handling it but all I can see is a broken woman that has lost her way. It is hard knowing you are looked at under the microscope as to how you are coping with the loss.

nights seem to get longer and longer and the mind runs wild when you have so much time to think.

so many emotions tonight. so tired and so confused most of the time.

my gut tells me he is so lost and so unwell that he needs this to find his way home one day and to find his way out of work at some point. I really hope my gut is right as I am concerned what next stages look like.

[Jayne106]

Today has been awful as I have had to tell my husband that the youngest wants nothing to do with him at the moment. the youngest suffers from aniexty and is not able to express to his dad, how much he is hurting. The counsellor has said I will need to be his voice. I rang my husband to tell him what the youngest had asked me to say and it honestly killed me. it killed me that he also then accused me that I had great enjoyment basically for telling it to him. I tried to explain it is such a minor amount too what they have said and i am trying to protect him and the kids in this situation but I had to respect the youngest wishes to ask him not to contact him at the moment.

I feel like I am expected to keep it altogether and I just sometimes don't know how to.

he is clearly upset from the youngest not wanting to talk to him and I feel for them both.

it was acceptable in his mind to walk out on the 3 of us but heaven forbid anyone says how we are feeling. I truly believe he doesn't believe a word of what has been said and his words are we are trying to make him feel guilty.

I know he isn't well as truly my husband would never have thought this especially about his children. This has gone beyond me and he is now not thinking straight when it comes to the boys.

He wanted time but doesn't want to give it to anyone else to grieve about what he has done to our family.

To our friends and to the kids I have only ever tried to protect him. Never have I said a bad word and i tell the boys I love him everyday and hope he is ok with his life.

Does depression cloud your mind so badly that you continue to try and destroy everything in your life. I feel he is trying to destroy me to justify why he left without trying.... is this a possibility. I won't allow myself to be consumed by his behavior towards me. I dont deserve that and neither do my boys. We love him.

it's like it is a constant battle.... he changes around things that have said and i write alot in a journal normally straight after a discussion and I know he is doing this to me but he won't listen to any reasoning or explanation and just seems to want to be oppositional about everything.

why?

is this a sign of someone in denial.... someone depressed... someone who may realise they are making a mistake in their life.

I don't care about anything that has been said or done to present.... the past is the past and I will always be there.

my boys are really hurting badly and he doesn't even realise!!

[MO2TG]

Hey Jayne
It's a terrible situation to be in. You are doing the best that you can right now.
Unfortunately depression like all disease does not care. Being an advocate for your child is right.
At times it feels like we are the only ones standing up fighting for our family.
We still have to work ...Still have to be there for our children...Still have to continue to run the house food ...bills.. And we still want to be there for our partner with depression. It's a big task.
I try not to resent the behaviour of depression. I just manage what I can. I have great support in my job and family.
Today is a new day, and when it's really tough it's a new hour and a new minute.
Be good to yourself. Give yourself a break. Your helping me by starting this post.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Jayne and M02TG

You two women are doing an amazing job. I am in awe of your resilience and strength.

Jayne, I think your husband is not only unwell but very unhappy. I'm not surprised that he is directing anger at you and trying to blame you instead of really listening to what you are saying. It's easier than really seeing the situation.

One thought. You can write him a letter to explain what's happening with the boys. Your counsellor could even help you. It will be harder for him to twist things. Just stick to the facts, no judgement or hidden meanings.

Keep on the high road, even though it's hard. What was it Hillary Clinton said? Something like when they go low, you go high.

When you and the boys look back on this time in 5 or 10 years from now, I believe it will be important for you to know that you acted with both integrity and compassion.

Kind thoughts to all

[Jayne106]

It has been a huge couple of days.

The eldest isn't happy with his dad and the way in which he has walked out. He is also upset that his dad makes out they and I are only saying stuff to make him feel guilty. The kids feel undermined and I can't blame them.

I have had to start telling people we aren't together as most of the friends talk more to me more often as he is normally working. funnily enough each person I have told has asked me if this is work related as they have always seen how tough he has had it at work. It is truly amazing to listen to them speak. My husband tells me it has nothing took do with his work.

I hope that the time he has on his own he reflects on this and gets help and one day he will want to be with us.

The boys at this age really understand so much and they need their dad but at the moment they have both told him they dont want to speak to him or have any contact.

I can understand there position as they feel in their words.... abandoned.

Depression is such a huge part of this and I really hope he never feels like it is looked upon badly to come back and want to start again. I feel he will be too proud to want to come back and I hope that isnt the case. its ok not to be ok

The boys have told me they truly believe their dad loves me and he just needs to have time to realise it and I must admit I hope they are correct.

My GP gave me some medication to help and it has been great to calm me down a little especially of a night time and help me sleep as I am a nervous wreck most of the time.

tonight I took the youngest xmas shopping and met with his step sister... My husband was married before me and left with the baby was 9 months. She is now 20 and she came to dinner with us which was awesome. it is so good for the boys and her to be together and she has told me she knows this isnt me and she hopes he sorts himself out and comes back to us so it is nice to know she supports him coming home. She said he needs to find himself ....

The boys have decided and told him they will not be going there for xmas.... they don't want him to call or message and when they are ready they will be in touch.

I have told the boys I am happy to continue taking them to counselling to help them and they can go in with or without me.

I will head back next week for counselling and will continue as I believe it helps. I have to see my GP in another week and will continue to be their for my boys and look after me so I can look after them.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Jayne

You've had a lot going on but are still ploughing on. I'm really proud of you.

Like you, the boys have a lot to process and it's going to take time. Thankfully you have put supports in place to help them work through their emotions. Just be there for them. Listen with an open heart. Lots of hugs.

Wonderfull to hear of your encounter with your stepdaughter. I imagine that she is also struggling with this and worried, so lovely for you and the boys to give and receive support from her.

Interesting comments about your husband's work and the potential impact of these pressures on him. Certain occupations and professions do take an enormous toll on a person.

My husband is in a high risk role in terms of potential impact of mental health conditions and I have always made generous allowances for this at home. It's not easy but we talk openly about it now which helps (one of the positive outcomes of our daughter falling ill).

Once you realise that anyone can fall ill at any time, life changes. Learning the people also get well changes things again.

You are right to believe that your husband can heal. Life can get better.

With regard to Christmas, you know what the boys don't want to do but have you talked with them about what they want to do? Just thinking about how hard it might be and thinking a change in routine might help.

Kind thoughts to you

[Jayne106]

What a terrible nights sleep I had last night. Trying not to take the medication the doctor has given me lead to a night of no sleep and when I did sleep.. nightmares. Might be a few nana naps today!

His job pressures are huge and always have been but more so recently. He was demoted from a management position a few months ago and the doctor and counsellor all have said this is the trigger but he won't have any talk of his work being the issue. the counsellor has even said in our first session you need to leave your job. Before our kids knew he was leaving one of our sons told him that he puts work in front of our family... interesting how the kids saw it and more has now been said to me about how they felt and I feel for them and my husband who can't see that his job has played a huge part. after the demotion he was drinking up to a bottle of scotch a night and staying up late. He has admitted to this to the counsellor and friends.

I wish I would have seen it but I didn't know he was drinking that much and this guilt now lies with me daily. The fact we weren't able to communicate about how he was feeling.

I have had my own demons losing 50kg since Feb and to be honest I was so exhausted from not eating alot and the mental exhaustion from the huge change my body was going through.

It has been an enormous year and when I have said the challenges I have faced he just turned his back like I don't even matter.

Whilst I understand how he must feel horrible it hasn't made it any easier knowing he turned his back on me at a time I was most vulnerable.. that hurts alot. It hurts he did this whilst our eldest was trying to do his HSC and whilst the youngest has been just diagnosed with epilepsy in August and can't drive so we have been faced with alot and he decides to go. knowing how my husband used to be I know that the depression has caused this as he never would have meant to hurt our family the way in which it has been hurt and torn apart.

My husband had told the eldest he has written his resignation for his job but doesn't know when or if he will hand it in and to the kids in their mind he has again selected to walk out on us but keep that job! instead of trying anything with me to help the situation he has selected to leave but still work in the high pressure role.

On top of that signing a 12 month lease on a rental gutted them as they thought he might come home and try but this sealed he isnt at least for 12 months in their minds.

really gutted

[Summer Rose]

Hi Jayne

Sorry you didn't sleep last night and then nightmares. Ugh! Couple of naural remedies that I use in situations like this ...

Warm bath in Epsom salts before bed. The magnesium relaxes the body and mind but you need to soak in it for as long as you can. You can also purchase magnesium powder and drink it mixed eith water before bed. It works for me. Camomile tea and Hoarlix (you can buy this powder at the supermarket) are also good before bed.

To me, as an outsider knowing only what you post, I'd bet my last dollar that your husband's issues at work are at the heart of his current mental health issues.

I'm going a bit out on a limb now, but I'm guessing that he was the "provider" and you were responsible for meeting everyones emotional needs in the marriage. So, anything that threatens his ability to provide threatens his whole being, his complete sense of self.

You or I would just go get another job but for him it's far more complicated. The demotion meant failure as a man, husband and father because that was his role.

I don't think he's choosing to put the job first, he has to. Because without that job and status, who is he? It's a lot for him to come to terms with.

I know you feel gutted that he's left when you and the kids are vulnerable but I encourage you to consider that no one can choose the timing to fall ill. Would you feel so hurt if he was diagnosed with cancer or had a heart attack at present? What's the difference?

Please remember that he isn't choosing to be ill at an inconvenient time to hurt you, this is something that is happening to him and he has no control over it.

I hope I haven't said anything to upset you. If I have, I apologise now because I do really care.

Kind thoughts to you and the boys

[Jayne106]

Most certainly not offended at all and you are so right. He didn't choose to be ill. He only chose to leave us because he didnt realise he was ill and I am not sure if he even has yet realised how ill he has been.

You are 100% correct he has always been the provider. He has been in this job for the same time we have be together. Almost 20 years! Only recently has my career taken off and I am now almost even with him and my job has gone from strength to strength and although a tough place I manage it plus our home etc. I always have been good at organsing as it is one of my things I just seem to be good at.

I am not sure if this has also played a part that I am succeeding and his work is failing him. He isn't failing at it... it has failed him with lack of support and guidance and I really feel sorry for him that he didn't speak to me about it. I had lunch with my step daughter and eldest son today and they had a chat at lunch about how they both feel he has always put work first. My step daughter told me this is the reason she moved out from our house back to her mother when she was 12 now 20 as she was angry that he always worked and never had time for her and the boys. I apologised to her today and said I was sorry that I didnt speak up for them when they were younger. I should have said something. They both were great and said it wasnt something that was easy to see at the time. My step daughter said he has been seeking help at a counsellor so this makes me feel comfort a little that he is getting some help and I really hope it does help him to see that we can be a family unit again and that we really really love him and want him happy and home.

He really does mean the world to us and we hate seeing him this way.

Both of the kids were very open and my step daughter said she hasn't said anything to him about how she feels as I think she is scared to hurt him. The boys have been more open as they are here with him every day.

They would be lucky to have eaten dinner with him 2 nights a week most weeks as he was always late home and he literally works 3 minutes from our house! my daughter said today she even found that so odd that he was never home to see the boys and when asked he would sometimes say I havent seen them for x days so dont know what is happening at home.

His mental health is a main concern for me as I know he has made huge decisions on all our lives with clouded headspace but there is nothing I can say or do to tell him this at present

[MO2TG]

Hi Jayne
I can hear your despair. I can relate yet again. Sometimes I just want to scream .....
12 month lease...that would have hurt. Your feelings and reactions are normal.
The depression won't let them see their families hurting from their actions.
A big year for you to and who was there for you. The most important person yourself. Don't forget that. Cut yourself some slack. You were doing the best u could at the time. We are all responsible for ourselves. In a family yes we are meant to support each other but when there are big events happening and then the recovery it gets hard. We focus on getting through the day. We end up emotionally exhausted. I didnt see my husband start to slide into depression and he covered it for a long time. Now he's so bad he thinks hes still able to hide it.
Your kids are angry hurt and understandably so . Your are doing a great job of supporting them through this. You reaching out helps me too. To know others are going through something similar( though i wish they weren't..its horrible), some that might understand where you're coming from Take carexxoo