how do i stop crying

[Matchy69]

I feel so alone,i dont have many friends or anyone who wants to know what i am going through.I just find my self just breaking down and crying.I just want some one to listen and not to judge me.

[Aaronsis]

Hey Match69

I am really happy to hear that I have been able to make you feel appreciative of the chat, that is such great news as I am more than happy to chat to you til the cows come home.

I am sorry to hear that you have lost a dear friend, it is not easy and you can't help but blame yourself. However, sometimes I think that this says more about them than it does about you. I know that you might have trouble believing that and the only reason I know that is because it has just happened recently to me.

Through my brother's death it has been very hard for some people to know how to deal with me or to know if they can say the word suicide or know what to say in case they say or do the wrong thing...so what do they do...they run for the hills and I feel like perhaps this is what might of happened to your friend.

I think it is not because they don't care about you, it is because they do care and they don't want to upset you or provide triggers for you or know what to do...so they do nothing...or just run.

I know that this doesn't help with maintaining friendships but I think it is a small piece of insight into other people. Sometimes it isn't about us, it is about them, and that is OK that they don't understand or can't manage us, but it still hurts the same when they leave.

Bubbles sounds adorable and I have a ginger too...her name is Poppy, they are so loving and affectionate it is so wonderful to have. That is nice that she follows you around, it is like she is keeping watch over you, that is really sweet.

I haven't managed to get outside my self yet today but it looks awesome out there, do you think you could manage another trip outside to get some of those beautiful rays?

Chat soon

[Matchy69]

Two years ago i lost a close family member to suicide and can understand what you must be going through.The grieving process seems to be different for everyone and takes time as i know.I am going through a grieving process for my friend who is still alive but i know i will never see again.I just have so many things i want to tell her and share with her.

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning Matchy69

I am sorry you have had to experience the grief of losing someone to suicide, it really is the worst...the unanswered..the unknown...the why...living without them....a whole bunch of really shitty stuff. The best thing I have done is seek some professional counselling and she has been beyond amazing.

..and yes you most certainly are grieving again and sometimes it is harder when the person is alive. I had this idea and I am not sure what you will think but perhaps you can start with writing her a very detailed and personal letter. Let it all out and tell her all the things that you are thinking and feeling and that you miss her dearly. Get all that stuff out and really let go, have a big cry and then....fold it up....the choice is then yours....if you decide to post it to her..awesome..if you decide to pop it into a draw and never look at it again that is totally fine too....the choice is yours.

I kind of have a tough relationship with my mum and up to a few years ago I felt really angry at her for things she didn't do as a mother to protect me. I sort some help and they suggested this letter writing concept to me, at first I thought "yeah right..as if that is going to help"....but it felt so wonderful to really let out all the horrible stuff I wanted to say to her....I didn't post it but it felt sooo good to get it out of me.

How is bubbles this morning? I just introduced my cats last night to this scratchy wall thing that you stick on the wall and it has a brush attachment...they LOVE it...omg...is was so cute to see them all lining up for a turn.

So here is a question for you...it is a gardening one..remember I said I can't garden for anything...well I have just found that I love Clivia's...I think that is the name..they are kind of orange bursts of love...I want to grow them....do you know anything about these things? I might be biting off more that I can chew.

Chat soon

[Matchy69]

First about Clivas growing is pretty easy.They are real hardy and like the shade with a little morning sun.Make a good indoor plantMy mum use to grow them.I like growing fruit and vegies and roses and few other flowers and herbs.

It might be a good idea to puty thoughts on paper but wouldnt be able to post it as i dont know where she is now and she has me blocked so i cant contact her.

I just spent an hour outside chopping up firewood that a neighbour bought over and now i am just crying again and feel guilty when i dont think of my friend.

I have seen councilors and been in a psychiatric hospital in the past.I just dont want to go back there again.

Bubbbles is good playing outside at the moment trying to catch birds but usally dosnt thankfully

[Aaronsis]

Fantastic news about the Clivias, I am feeling positive now that I can perhaps have a crack at growing them so I might take a trip to Bunnings and see if I can find some. I love the idea of an indoor option as between work and kids I am not really in the garden much, hence why I am so bad at gardening....but..inside I will be able to see it all the time and really enjoy it..ok...stay tuned for the updates on that one!

That is so cool that you can grow vegies and fruit, I love the idea of being able to go out to my own garden and eat the fresh food that I have grown, that is so cool that you can do that successfully. I bet they taste amazing.

I am happy you felt like the writing might be helpful, I understand you don't have an address to post it to and that might be a good thing for now. The fact if you can just grab a pen and put some words on the page, doesn't even have to be in any order, just have a massive purge and let it all out, that might really make you feel better.

I hear what you are saying with regards to councilors and therapy, it isn't for everyone and that is fine, we just need to figure out together what works for you and can make you smile again, even just once a day, that would be wonderful.

Chopping wood...wow you are a trooper....that sounds like a massive task, but is so awesome that you have managed that today, it really is Matchy..the fact you could get outside and swing and axe that infact may have been some good soul food too.

You made me laugh when I thought about bubbles outside trying to catch a bird...unsuccessfully....they are so funny those felines!

I am not sure where you are based but I am in Melbourne and it is going to be 26 today to a ripper day to be outside and I am sure bubbles in loving the sun too.

My dad is 70, he had his birthday last week, he got his first tattoo to honor my brother last night..I was so proud of him and it looks awesome. I love tattoos and have a few so it was cool I could welcome him to the tattoo family.

We have cakes at work on a Wednesday so I am off now to have a morning cake and coffee...

Chat soon

Sarah

[Matchy69]

Thanks again for you msgs and support allthough i feel it will suddenly stop and i wont have anyone to talk to again,probably my anxiety in me.

I have one tattoo myself on my shoulder that i got on my 40th birthday.Its of a motorbike brand.I havent been gain to get anymore.

I have been gardening since i can remember,my mum allways had a vegie garden and fruit trees.I lost my mum 5 years ago on christmas day to ovarian cancer.I was her full time carer for over 3 years.I lost my dad to lung cancer when i was 20.

My afternoon was pretty quiet just stayed in bed reflecting on my life.

I live in a small country town only one pub near Toowoomba in Qld

Thanks for listening,

Mark

[Aaronsis]

Hey Mark

If there is one thing I can do and that is that you have my word that I will be here as long as you want to chat. You might even find that one day you wake up and don't need to talk to me...but I will be here until you feel you don't want to chat anymore.

That is a nice gift that you gave yourself on your 40th birthday, let me guess ..it is a Harley Davidson tattoo..lol...I am so addicted to tattoos I find any old excuse to get one. My next milestone is 50...but that is in like 6 years..lol..but I can start planning can't I!!

Oh that is really sad that you have lost both of your parents, I am lucky in that mine are still alive, although I am not that close with my mum but very close with my dad. I can't imagine how devastated I will be to say goodbye. Not to mention on Christmas day, that is really sad, although any day would be sad it would feel worse on a special day.

That is so great that you were able to care for your mum, it takes a really special person to be able to do that sort of thing for family. I am not sure that I would be able to do it, I don't know why I just don't think I could.

That is nice that you have had some time to reflect on your life this afternoon, it is important to do. To take check of what you want and where you are heading. I hope you feel positive after it.

Toowoomba sounds like a beautiful place, I was actually born in Brisbane and spent some time in Mount Isa. My dad is a meteorologist so we spent alot of time moving around as kids.

It is my pleasure to listen Mark and I am just hoping that I am providing you with enough support as it would be so wonderful if you were able to feel some joy in a day, even in some tiny way to start with. Do you like to go to the movies at all? I know it is sort of for kids but I love the Lion King, it was sad but it was so amazing, infact I want to go see it again. I am really looking forward to Maleficent coming out to, I really enjoy Angelina Jolie and her acting.

I am so excited about the Clivias that I am actually going to go tonight to Bunnings and see what they have....you have given me some gardening hope!

Ok well I am off to do some last minute jobs before I head home for the day..

Chat again soon

S

[Matchy69]

Hi Sarah,thanks again for talking to me,i really appreciate it.

I to was born in brisbane and grew up there in a suburb called The Gap.I have lived in this house for about two and half years.I to have been to Mt Isa and was there when my father passed away in 1989.

I am divorced with two special needs children who live about 15 mins away.My ex wife was my first girl friend and i was 29y.o when i met her.I never talked to girls all through my school years until i was well in my 20s.People find that strange.

The tattoo i got was the embl for a Jawa Mototorbike.I have 2 and still have my first one that i bought when i was 15y.o.the bikes from Czechoslakia.

I have planned to do my grocery shopping this morning.I have been a bit teary this mornining thinking about things.

I hope you you have a nice day Sarah

Mark

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning Mark

Please don't thank me for talking to you, I am here for you to chat to and you may not believe this but..you are actually helping me too.

That is good that your children live close by, do you get to spend much time with them. The extra pressures of having children with special needs would be some extra things to add to your already full plate also. I am fortunate enough that my two children do not have any special needs and I find parenting stressful, worrying if I am doing it right, thinking if I have thought of everything they need for their mental health, then there is the financial part of it too...so I can only imagine that parenting is also another thing that could make you feel sad too. Don't feel alone on that one though, as I said, I feel down about that too, we are only human.

That is really sweet that your first girlfriend ended up being your wife. I think that is lovely. I wouldn't worry too much that people find it strange that you never really spoke to girls until your 20's, we are all different and the world would be very dull if we were all the same. Boys weren't interested in me in high school and I didn't really speak to them either, I don't think that is strange at all that you didn't speak to girls , we were like 16 or 17 years old and trying to figure out who we are.....lol...I think we are still trying to figure out who we are to be honest!

I just googled what a Jawa Motorbike emblem looks like and it is so cool, kind of tribal looking with the circle and the lines coming off it, that would be a fantastic tattoo, I bet you love it and it looks awesome. The bikes are cool to, the kind of remind me of the "Worlds Fastest Indian"..have you seen that movie with Anthony Hopkins..I think you would really like it, you should check it out. It is a true story too about a guy named Burt Munroe..anyway I won't spoil it for you if you haven't seen it.

Enjoy the grocery shopping, at least you will be out and about and even though it is one of life's shitty tasks..you can see the lovely sun and get some fresh air, I know I keep banging on about it, but it really does help, I find the sunshine makes me smile.

I hope you have a nice day too Mark and I am here for a chat anytime.

Oh..I almost forgot....Bunnings has failed me!!! There were not Clivia's...WHAT! so now the hunt is on to find my beautiful orange burst of love plant....I will have to check out the local nursery perhaps over the weekend.

Chat soon Mark

Cheers

Sarah

[Matchy69]

Hi Sarah,thanks for your msg.A note on Clivia you might be able to get them through a mail order company one i have bought hard to find plants off called Garden Express.

I have that movie Worlds Fastest India on dvd,one of my favourites.I should find it and watch it.I love that movie as well as The Great Escape.

My Jawa is model 559 so if you lool that up you can see what my bike looks like.I have 2 a 1968 and 1971 that i both restored.I have other bikes but the Jawas are my favourite.

I am finding today easier talking to a girl with our phones where it is so easy to msg someone unlike when we were in school and you had to talk to them in person,very scary.I dont think any would have been interested in me.

It is very hard raising kids in general but having 2 with special needs can really take its toll on me.They are allways seeing specialist and struggling coming up with answers.I have my kids most weekends and half school holidays so i have them alot.And me not feeling the best these days can be real hard for me

I did my grocery shopping walking around in a daze trying hard not to cry.The checkout girl asked me what was wrong so people can notice.

I was worried about my cat when i came home as it usually comes running but she didnt but i found her asleep in the garden

I will leave it their for now.

Take care.

Mark