help needed - i just can't ask

[annie45]

Hi This is the first time I've tried something like this so I'm nervous as hell. I'm struggling with depression. I have a good friendship network, wonderful family and even a good counsellor. But I can't open up to any of them. I've told them that i feel depressed and they ask all the right questions, but I can't respond. I can't verbalise it. Worse still I immediately put on a brave face and downplay how I feel when they ask. I don't want to. I want to express how horrible I feel but I can't. I'm not suicidal but I constantly picture myself doing something to hurt myself, something that will release me from this place - almost wishing that I could, but I have two young children and a wonderful husband that i can't do that to. I had a good week last week, and felt as though I was improving, yet the past two days I feel myself going down again. I don't know how to get out of this hole. Please help

[Guest_3712]

Hi Annie

Sorry to hear you are feeling like this. You are such a good friend and always are there to support others

Im not sure what to say to you ATM except to say I'm thinking of you and when I'm thinking straight hopefully I can offer something more constructive.

Take care friend

Stressless

[Quercus]

Hi Annie,

Sorry for the late reply. I'm sorry you don't feel able to like yourself because from my view there is a lot to like. Thank you for talking to me.

I am familiar with that feeling but it has calmed down a lot with medication and psychotherapy. Pre meds and even on very bad days now I feel flat and numb. Like I do not care and am just on autopilot. I know theoretically that I matter but I feel like my heart has died and my mind and body are just waiting to catch up. It is a horrible way to live to be honest.

Have you felt able to open up a little with your therapist? I lied to myself and said I was doing well talking but the truth is there are things that I need to work through that I am struggling to voice too. I feel like you will understand because you said before that your 20 year old self was bent on being unsafe. This is what I can't seem to voice too. Why I am (in my mind) at fault for the abuse. I feel like until I can admit this and work through it part of me will always hate and resent and fear myself.

Also. Yes I'm nagging again (I'm not sorry for it but do hope it doesn't irritate you). Medication. Have you thought again about giving it a try? I was always so anti meds. Would get angry at doctors who would try give me antidepressants at uni (I was suicidal and depressed then too and insistent I was stubborn and strong and docs just liked medicating people).

But this time I had tried everything and nothing was working. My quality of life was crap. And I gave up and took the meds. And then was so so so bloody angry at myself. For suffering needlessly.

Sometimes we need help. We can exercise and eat well and reduce stress and do everything that is recommended (believe me I had a list from a psychologist and worked through it) and nothing works. I truly believe sometimes we just need meds for a while to support us. Not a quick fix mind you you still have to do all the other stuff. But for me the meds calmed me down enough so that I could function enough to help myself.

End of sales pitch I promise.There is no shame in asking for help for a medical condition.

What can we do to help you? How about (if you don't feel able to talk about a topic) you give us the topic that is bothering you and see if anyone has an experience they are willing to share? Maybe it will help you feel less alone?

❤ Nat

[annie45]

Thanks Stressless

you have enough going on in your world atm! I wish i had some words of encouragement for you. Just keep your momentum going. Maybe finding a nice place to rent on your own will allow you both some time to reflect. I feel as though you both need space to re-identity with yourselves and work out what is best for you both.

I am thankful that you have taken the time to respond to me but im ok. As i said I've been like this for weeks Quercus just got me at the right time to open up!

thinking of you

Annie

[annie45]

Thanks Nat

yes I have been better talking with my counsellor. It takes a real effort but I want to get better so I see this as a necessary evil.

I'm also coming around to the idea of meds. Some days I'm convinced, but i get nervous and then put off a drs visit. Then I begin to feel a bit better and convince myself I don't need them. Deep down I know that even a 'better ' day us not a good day and I need to do this....maybe soon.

There is nothing you guys need to do - just being a part of this forum helps me. I still don't know what's wrong so I can't write about it. As my counsellor has told me there is a lot hidden in my subconscious. I have blocked and hidden all my emotions for so long that accessing them now is difficult.

Knowing that you're here and care is a wonderful feeling and I'm truly thankful.

Thanks Nat

Annie

[White_Rose]

Annie, Nat, Stressless

Please read my post on Quercus' thread. I have addressed it to all three of you plus myself.

The "I don't know what's wrong" syndrome. What a pain that is but we do get aha moments.

Mary

[annie45]

Shame has a hold over me at the moment. I see myself as flawed and weak.

When my kids get angry, it's because I'm inadequate as a parent. My anger that is so close to the surface has somehow transfer to them. I'm wrecking them. I grew up with a mother with MI and it's been transferred to me (and i expect my brother) and I fear I'm going to transfer it to them. I fear that im repeating the pattern. So I analyse everything I say to them and their responses. I overcompensate, telling them i love them, giving affection. I wear myself out then fall in a heap.

I isolate myself away from people - I don't want them to see my flaws. i don't want them to see how my own self hatred has stripped me of my confidence, my humour and my personality. By letting my shame win i have sacrificed my self. On the outside I strive for perfection because it hides my internal flaws. I smile and pretend. Again i wear myself out and fall in a heap.

This is my shame, but i feel as though i need to share it. I want to be rid of it, i want to take back control. Tomorrow I'm having a chat with my gp and my counsellor. I won't allow this shame to prevent me from getting better.

[Quercus]

Hi Annie,

(aka beautiful soul who has been my lifeline for the last week or so and who I am grateful for 😊).

I'm glad you have the GP and counsellor tomorrow. It was a bit of a surprise to see you go downhill because you've seemed so controlled. How long has this downturn been happening?

I'm going to do the tough love thing and say come on Annie we can't mindread so you've got to be the one to speak up. Personally I'd rather hear your concerns than find out you've been sufferring quietly.

Random word sentences remember?

Anger. Kids. Hereditary? Sacrificing. Angry. Help.

See? easy. Please my friend just reach out. You were supporting everyone else. But what about you? I care about and value you. Please ask ok.

Ok so maybe your kids are predisposed to a MI (mine too) but in some ways they are also lucky. You are supportive. They have a family who is open and accepting of MI and will be on the lookout. If you talk about it they will be more likely to ask for help if the time comes that they need it. I see that as a massive positive.

Now this...

By letting my shame win i have sacrificed my self

It's never too late to give shame the boot. You have a MI. A medical condition. Why does that have to be shameful? Noone here judges you. Anyone who does in the outside world I pity because the time will come when themselves or someone they love will be affected and they will be ill equipped to support them. More fool the judgers hey.

Stuff flaws. Stuff perfect parenting. Stuff burying feelings. Stuff politeness. You are human. We all are. Anyone who says they are perfect is a liar. Why do we have to perform? We are only on this earth for a short time so why is it we chain ourselves up in expectations?

What do you enjoy? If you answer nothing it is time to seriously get some meds so you can start to feel a bit better. You know my opinion on meds I won't expand on that.

You are an amazing Mum Annie. Don't put yourself down ok. I'm guilty of it too but lately have been realising it is so much better to just speak my mind as I feel annoyed so I don't hold in the anger and resentment. The bonus is I think my self esteem has improved because I'm learning to only care about the opinion of people who matter to me as well as my own.

Good luck tomorrow and please take care of yourself! Until you can feel good about yourself you can borrow my opinion of you (strong, kind, smart, kickass woman).

Throw your doubts and shame in the bin where they belong.

❤ Nat

[Quercus]

Hi Annie 😊

My post is in moderation hmm I think I swore in it sigh. But wanted you to know I am here for you while they correct my potty mouth.

You are a wonderful and genuine person Annie. You see flaws I see awesomeness (if that's not a word it should be).

Take care of yourself please and give yourself a break. Think of the advice and understanding and empathy you give to me and apply it to yourself too.

❤ Nat

[White_Rose]

Hello Annie

Yes indeed our shame is our shame. This is what has been done to us and we have accepted it. Now you know what is happening it's time to fight back. Tell your GP and counsellor, ask them to help you get out of this dreadful place and don't accept anything less than the knowledge that you are a great mom, a loving person who has tried her best for her children and everyone you come into contact with.

You have travelled a hard road and it shows in the wealth of experience you use to help others. It appears that the more we believe in our imagined flaws, the more we can see the beauty in others. Now it's time to turn the searchlight on yourself and see the hidden strength and compassion, the determination to fight on and the love you have for your family. No my friend, you are not a shameful person. You are indeed a fantastic person.

Mary

[annie45]

Mary and Nat

Two beautiful posts that have helped me a lot today - and yes I am suitable chastised for not speaking up Nat!

I need some time to process it all, but will respond soon. Just wanted to say thanks

Annie