Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Just Sara]

Hi everyone;

Thanks for all your well wishes. 🙂

Just letting you know I'm ok and so is my sis. She's taken a bit of a beating, but is here to tell the story. Big wake up call for those who think being everything to everybody's a worthy endeavour. Being 'Super Woman' is something many struggle with.

Anyway, she's staying with someone who's making her take it easy and looking after her; a new concept in her life.

I've been very busy with (and enjoying) long distance family who've come to support her. Just finding time to answer a post or two.

Better go...

Love ya's..

Sez xoxo

[startingnew]

Hi Lovely

Thank you for the update, im glad both you and sis are ok and are enjoying the company of some relatives.

Hugs and much love xoxoxoxox

[Peppermintbach]

Hi beautiful Sez,

I’m relieved you and your sister are both okay. Thank you so much for the update...

I think it’s a nice (and much needed ) change for her to be looked after/supported rather than her looking after everyone else.

I’m also glad that you’re spending quality time with long distance family 🙂 It must be so nice to see them.

Love always from my heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxox

[demonblaster]

Dear Sez (chooky) figure you'd need a good soul hug 🤗 hi all other lovelies too 🖐

Good to see you and thanks for the update darl

Glad your sisters in recovery and being looked after. She sounds like a good lady looking after everyone and now having to get use to being looked after would be an adjustment, comfort in knowing she's got help and being cared for I'd imagine
A load of worry off you all no doubt.

Catching up with families a bonus so glad to hear of the positives amidst the hard times Sez.

Take good care of yourself dear lady and make sure you get some down time too won't you, I imagine you've been pretty busy looking after the kids

⚘ popped this little pretty flower and colour of your choice in a tinsy vase for you, no need for water it's one of those special types from our virtual shopping center and Sez it's everlasting 😲

To keep it happy and healthy all you have to do is look directly at it and give it a beaming ear to ear 😀 at least twice a day on waking and just before bed time. It's just a little bit magical hun, trust me it'll make you feel good 🤗

Hope everyone has a good day 🐥chooky ☺

[Just Sara]

You guys are just wonderful!!!

All sentiments and little flowers alike are accepted and appreciated with love and smiles. Thankyou; it means a lot.

Back later to write more hopefully...

love Sez xoxo

[Ggrand]

Hello lovely Sez,

Im very pleased to hear that your sister will be okay...Thank you very much for your update.

I hope that your sister continues to gain strength and heals quickly..

I couldn’t imagine how much stress, pain, uncertainty that you and your family have been through..it’s nice to hear that your sister is now being looked after...also nice for family to be together for some quality time as well as supporting each other...

So very pleased and happy for you and your family...that your sister will be getting the care she needs now and on her road to recovery...

Love and care with special hugs..🤗🤗🤗..

Grandy..

[startingnew]

Sending much love, hugs and butterfly wishes

Love you too

xoxoxoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi beautiful Sez (and a wave to all),

It’s always good to hear from you. No rush...just take your time as I know you have a lot going on...

Looking forward to your next post/update 🙂

Warm cuddles, spring sunshine and love always from my heart of hearts...

Pepper xoxox

[Peppermintbach]

Dear beautiful Sez,

I was stunned this evening when I saw your Champion badge turn yellow. I’m writing in hopes that maybe you’ll see this but I don’t know if you will...

I’m still processing, feeling both sad and perplexed in many ways...

I’m not sure if you’re taking a break, something has happened personally, you have chosen to focus more on your business, family and offline life or whatever reason it might be...whatever the reason, I hope you’re okay and I hope you’re being loved and supported well offline.

I, for one, will miss you very much. I’m still a little shocked so I am not even sure what I want to say...

Thank you for being you...

We have had many precious moments, beautiful conversations and shared many online hugs. Those are memories that I’ll cherish forever...you’ll always have a special place in my heart of hearts...

We have also had moments where we challenged each other and didn’t see eye to eye. But the love was (is) always there, no matter what...

I’m not sure if you’ll return. There’s a part of me that selfishly hopes so but I do understand you must have your reasons and need to do what is right for you personally...

You will be missed...

I feel sad that we will never meet his life but perhaps in our next life as the saying goes in my native tongue...it sounds much better in my native language, I assure you. The joys of being bilingual. Lol.

To close, I wish you well and I truly hope incredible things happen, and that your business takes off 🙂 I’m positive you will help so many in the community.

You have such an in-depth firsthand understanding of PTSD and C-PTSD...you’re going to do brilliant things...I think you’re intelligent, practical, gutsy, determined, compassionate and kind 🙂

Thank you for all your love, patience, care and kindness...

Love always from my heart of hearts, this life and the next...

Pepper xoxox

[startingnew]

Pepper youve said that so beautifully ❤

Sez ❤ i really hope your not leaving but have just stepped down in your CC role...

You need to do what is best for you of course but i still hope youll stay and at least do some pop ins....

I too want to thank you for everything. You were and still are a huge part of saving me from those dreadful dark moments.

I wish you well on this journey we call life. i am so proud of how far youve come and still continue to progress. A true inspiration not only to me but i know many others too. 🙂

Anyways i do hope youll stay.... sending hugs and many butterfly wishes

Love you xoxo