Finally opening up

[Guest_0087]

finally took the plunge to beyond blue. Think this is my last attempt to try and get somewhere. I will try be brief so as not to make this hard for anyone.

Have struggled with depression for some time, and each time I tried to overcome it, it has just gotten worse and there seems to be no end in sight.

I lost my best friend to my depression. She no longer talks to me and we no longer interact. We used to talk every day for years, now, not even a hello.

My family have never understood my depression and never supported me with it. They keep making it about themselves and I have to some how find some sort of way to deal with it. I battle with my parents every day and it oftens ends in me crying.

All my social circles have moved on, and most found me too 'different' or slightly 'weird' so they no longer interact with me. In a sense, I have no friends. I do everything by myself and when I do interact with those people, they all treat me very differently. They don't know how to talk to me or say anything to me, and so I am often the odd the one out.

My work has been hell of late. In fact, about two years ago, I lost out on a job opportunity I spent years working for and had to move countries for. They didn't even have the decency to tell me I didn't get the post after all. But my current job started off well. Everything was good. It was starting to get me back some semblance of hope, but as with everything retail, the pressure tells, and now after receiving warnings and being told that I have the attitude of a child, I am basically working on auto pilot. I have no desire to go to work, and can't get a job that I really want, because after more than 5 years of trying and about 300 applications being rejected, you lose the will to apply.

And now to most recently. I just lost the girl. I loved her and I lost her. I try to get her out of my head and I just can't. It is hell.

I have no one, and nothing to keep me going. The virtual hugs only do so much, and I don't think they can keep me going. I am mentally and physically exhausted. Through all of these things, I can't sleep. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I have nothing that keeps me going. All the things I loved, I hate. I have no motivation to do anything. I find nothing of interest anymore. TV programmes i loved no longer excite me. No desire to watch movies or do anything. Like i said, I don't know where else to turn, but was told to give this a shot.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

I think that is great that you will speak with the psychologist first, you always should, I find the forums are more of a back up tool.

That's ok, I have many weekends like that, have you had any desire to go to the golfing range? I haven't been out for a while, only played one game in the last 3 weeks, which I played ok. Work stress is always fun, obviously in sales as well if you need to turn customers into bookings. Keep trying, sounds like you are a great worker.

It's ok, I think I need to apologise too, I haven't been on the forums much in the past couple of weeks due to how I have been feeling however I am back full time, which just means Friday & Saturday's off but rest of the week is fine, I do always look to see if you have responded as well. I apologise when you come on and haven't seen a response however.

Not really many plans, clean the house, play with the dog, go and see the nephew, not much really. How about you? Just working?

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

Hi Jay

Yeah, the psych has been helpful. I think I am just over my job. The stress is just too much. I can't keep putting myself under any unnecessary stress. I want to start doing something that makes me happy and that I enjoy doing. Unfortunately I can't just leave my job as I need need money for bills and things. I also suffer from terrible motivation to actually apply for jobs. The constant rejection,or just even thinking about writing a cover letter or resume puts me off.

No problem. I understand the New Year period can be different, and you have had stuff going on like you say. Hope everything is much better for you.

Cleaning the house does not sound fun, but playing with the dog and the nephew sound really good. I haven't been able to get to the range much. The last few times I have been have not been good for me. My back is in terrible shape and and the range is taking it's toll on my back too. So that hasn't been as much as I would like.

Did not get up to much on the weekend. Been really slack with everything this month, I think i've hit a wall with work and family and such that I just want to get away or get a change or some freshness, but like I said before, there is no motivation for it, so it's just like a terrible cycle at the moment.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

You say the psych has been helpful, but you seem to be stuck in a rut or a cycle as you call it, are you telling them about the stress you are under with the job and the no motivation to apply for a new one. I know the rejection is hard when applying for jobs, but you cannot change your situation if you just stay in it. It seems your happiness could be changed if you alleviated the stress in your life which means you have to sometimes step out of your comfort zone to achieve that. I know it is tough. You can do this.

Sorry your back isn't doing too well. Golf is not great if you have a bad back.

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

Hi Jay

I did tell him about it. He said that I need to look for something else but only I can be the person to decide what that is. I definitely agree with the whole situation cannot change if you stay in it. I really want to try and change it. Perhaps I need to re-find that motivation I had just before Xmas.

I agree with that so much. A lot is dependent on relieving the stress and I really need to maybe take an initiative and do something about it. I probably sound a little defeatist at the moment and I don't really want to.

Yeah, it is kind of annoying because it means I can't get to the range as often as I would like. You can get there for the both of us.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

They are 100% right, only you can know exactly what you want. No one said it will be easy but re-finding any motivation you can is 100% necessary, maybe YouTube some motivational videos, they always give me a pep up.

I don't think you are defeatist at all, I think you just know what you want but not sure how to get it yet. Everything you want is just around the corner, you just need to keep walking.

Will do mate, hopefully my swing is ok though.

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

Hi Jay

I agree, I think I know what I want, it is just about getting it. I probably do need to get back in to the motivational videos and such a bit. Always hard when you kind of hit a rock bottom.

The problem for me in the past was I kept walking, always being told it's just there, then when I think I have it, it gets taken away from me so roughly. That has probably led me to more of completely exhausted and why should i keep trying when it keeps happening this way.

I'm sure your swing is better than mine at the moment. I need to get back to the chiro to fix up my back so i can get out to the course.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

My sincere apologies about the delay since last posting. Just wanted to let you know my wife and I separated last weekend so trying to work through everything. My turn for the break up cycle I suppose.

Will be back on the forums soon, just wanted you to know where I was at and wasn't ignoring you or anything.

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

Hey Jay

No need to apologise. You mentioned you were going through something. I'm so sorry to hear of your break up. Break ups are the worst, but you have myself and the whole community here at BB to help you out.

I too need to apologise, my response has been super slow. I have been having some trouble of my own and it's all come to a head this weekend. Something today though kept bugging me to come on the forums and check if you were back, and I am glad I did.

If you need anything, or want to vent or just talk, please feel free. I am here if you need.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

Sorry to hear you are going through some stuff, do you want to go into it? I am not on the forums a lot currently but still happy to talk.

I am struggling with the break up but these things happen, I am working through it and using advice I gave to you actually to pull me through. Music is helping a lot.

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

Hi Jay

No, it's ok. You got own thing going on. I don't want to burden you too much with yours. Maybe when things are a bit more relaxed we can have a chat about it.

You don't need to tell me about break ups. It can definitely hurt. Sometimes I still miss my ex a lot. Well, you gave some really good advice, so I think you would be pretty good with it. Music definitely does help. I got back in to some punk music from the 90's and 00's and I can't tell you how much I've been enjoying those songs, especially as they can speak on a level that is relatable.

I am always happy to help if you need, and hopefully I can provide some comfort and support. I understand if you are not on the forums as much. You do what you need to do, and I will be here when you are ready.

Cheers