Feeling well enough at last to find my voice again

[Quercus]

Hi everyone!

I have known for years there was a forum here and was too afraid to join because it would mean admitting I needed medication and just couldn't fix this by myself. So here I am at last! I hope this helps even one person if they are feeling like I did. Ok here goes.....

I'm a 32 year old mum of 2, 15 months apart. I'm happily married, love my job, love my family and friends. I have support. Nothing bad has happened to me. So I thought I had no right to feel depressed. I have always been an anxious and emotional person. Mood swings were normal for me. I made every excuse to myself and the doctors to explain away my poor scores on the postnatal depression checklists. I admitted I constantly thought about suicide but that had been normal for me for years so it didn't feel like a big deal, it didn't mean I'd do anything. I was angry all the time and my moods were unpredictable.

Hubby said constantly I don't care what the doctor said you perform for them and I know you. Something is wrong. After my second bub and the start of a new health condition (psoriatic arthritis) I saw a psychologist who said I was dealing with chronic pain and two small children and what I felt was normal.

I practiced mindfulness. Family and friends gave me rest. Eventually I got medication to help my joints. I talked. I ate well, I went back to work. Everything was supposed to be better....

But I felt worse. I'd see the doctor and they'd say I was ok but I'd stand at the sink washing dishes and plan the steps of how to kill myself. If I wasn't busy I would find the thoughts repeating. They'd all be better off without you. You're worthless. They'll only put up with so much of your issues and then they'll leave you. So I'd plan how to die. And I was TERRIFIED.

My husband told me to write down exactly what I felt on a bad day and he put it in an envelope and made me an appointment for the psychologist. We made a plan. I would go in and say I need you to read this. I don't feel like this now but this is how I've felt most days for years but I can't seem to communicate it to a doctor and get help and I'm so frightened.

And finally! A crisis plan put in place until I could see the psychiatrist! Apparently I have had major depression for over 12 years. Only after starting an antidepressant did I notice how anxious and self destructive I had constantly been. I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore. I am happy again. It's the start of my journey but there is hope at last.

[Quercus]

Hi Croix,

I really needed to hear that tonight (that reminder that I am improving) so thank you.

It's frustrating to be feeling good and then take a few steps backwards. So I'm thankful for your reminder that I'm not alone, that there are people in my corner with good advice.

Music is a blessing. I'll have to check out your thread I love finding something new that I otherwise might never have listened to.

My favourite artist is Jon Bellion. His music is unusual I suppose but his lyrics speak to me....

"Although I guess if I knew tomorrow
I guess I wouldn’t need faith
I guess if I never fell, I guess I wouldn’t need grace
I guess if I knew His plans, I guess He wouldn’t be God

So maybe I don’t know, maybe I don’t know
Maybe I don’t know, maybe I don’t know
But maybe that’s okay"

This song is my go to for days like today 😊

I look forward to reading your thread when I'm able.

Happy Easter Croix 😊

[Fairywings]

Hello there lovely and welcome xx nice to meet you xx so so very proud of you it takes a lot of bravery to get yourself where you r today good on you for being able to fight your illness and be able to manage it. That's the key i guess it's always going to be part of us but as long as we don't let its demons reac havoc and have coping strategies in place to be able to manage it and move forward in our everyday lives we rc the ones in control xx once again well done sweetheart such a awesome job take care of yourself and keep reaching out if you need to. Lovely to meet you xx Venessa

[The_Abyss]

"It's frustrating to be feeling good and then take a few steps backwards."

How I know that one so well Quercus. It's a frustrating process isn't it.

May I ask, what is it about returning to the city that sends you spiralling backwards - is it what you are leaving behind, or what you are returning to? Was it that the weekend was a hiatus from reality? A pause from responsibility?

I too tend to music when things are rough - loud and fast when I am trying to outrun my demons, slow and mellow when I need to feel less alone. Sounds like you fall into the second category?

Nothing I can say or do to make things better for you, but just wanted to say I hear you, I feel for you, and I dearly hope things improve for you soon.

TA

[White_Rose]

First of all TA, what a great picture. No darkness, beautiful green trees which we need and a path to lead you to a better place. Well done and lots of stars and smiley faces.

Quercus, I too enjoy music but I am not familiar with the artiste you mention. My tastes lie mostly in classical music these days. I am a child of the 50s and 60s so you can tell the music I grew up with. I loved it and there are too many great songs for me to pick out one or two. I tend play loud music when I am sad as it lifts me, and slow, contemplative music to soothe my soul.

It's frustrating to be feeling good and then take a few steps backwards. Sure is. Even in this there is hope because you have had good days and you can recognise the difference between good and bad days. If you can remember the good while being in the bad you have something to hold on to. You know good days will return. So be gentle with yourself. Take a (metaphorical) deep breath and march forward doing what you have to do.

Surviving, moving forward, doing what needs to be done is like exercising a muscle you rarely use. It hurts like hell to start with but becomes easier and less painful as you persevere. As you establish ways to manage your life it will all get easier. It took a while for your life to go bad, like putting on weight. It takes time to get back to the person you were. And you are going well.

I laugh to myself when I write the above words because I am talking to myself as well as you. My muscles are learning to move again, though I feel sad and sorry for myself at times. I am getting stronger and I can see you are also getting stronger.

I am going to listen to ABBA shortly. Their music always makes me smile.

Mary

[Quercus]

Hi Venessa, Mary and TA,

Thanks for your replies (and nice to meet you too Venessa) and kind words.

Today is a bit better and I know I'll ease back into my usual routine soon but it was good to read your replies).

I find it difficult to return to the city. The noise and the clutter and lack of privacy and endless concrete. But it always passes after a while especially once I get to drive out to my block and remind myself that escape is in the future I just have to be patient 😊 And of course I miss my family already but we have to work.

We went for a walk this morning and I got some liquidambar seeds and seeds from a gorgous pine so if I have to brave the city I'll surround myself in seedlings instead 😀.

Thank you for listening. I hope you are all enjoying the long weekend and are in a good place.

[Croix]

Dear Quercus~

You posted a lovely picture in:

Forums/ Staying well/ Store Your Happy Memories Here:

I can easily see why it is something you come back to. In my own case I was the one on the knee - both times:) I was nervous and therefor in a hurry - I guess it must be a common trait.

Well, you have not only given your memory here but uncovered mine and will no doubt spark others' as well.

Thank you

Croix

[Quercus]

Hi Croix,

I'm glad you got some good from my memory too! I don't envy blokes having to propose haha it must be the most nervewracking thing to do!

The best thing about that memory for me is the 2 photos I took with my eyes closed that day. I caught hubby in the very edge of one photo with a determined and nervous expression and his hand in his pocket 😊 I love that photo. I think I'll frame it to cheer me up 😊

Thank you again for the thread, it is a special place.

[Quercus]

Hi again everyone,

Ever since I decided I'm going to give psychotherapy a try I've been trying to organise my thoughts on paper but I'm overwhelmed and at a loss. How do you decide where to begin?

I started with the question to myself... What do you need to talk to someone about and why? I thought that would be a pretty easy way to begin and the answer was easy...

I need to talk about a toxic relationship in my life because there is noone I feel comfortable to disclose the details to (even hubby who knows the gist but not detail) and the details hurt me.

But from there I'm stuck. I've been going over it in my mind but all it's doing is freaking me out. I don't know what to say. I feel like I'm overreacting. I'm worried I'll manage to say something to the psychiatrist and he'll think I'm overreacting. Or just plain stupid.

Most of all I'm conflicted. Part of me just wants to forget and bury it all again because thinking about it just makes me feel sick. The other part wants to just pour out all these toxic feelings and just get them out of my system.

Has anyone had psychotherapy before? What kind of questions do they ask you? I'm worried if I'm asked to explain I just won't say anything at all.

Thanks in advance for listening to me lose the plot.

[White_Rose]

Hello Quercus

I can see you are feeling nervous but do try to relax. Whatever you say to your psych will be between him and you. No one else will know. I understand the part of you that wants to bury the old feelings. Take them out to sea and throw them overboard with a huge anchor. Sadly they will resurface and usually in the middle of something. Dealing with these things now means you can put them on the bonfire and watch the smoke and ashes drift away.

It's a hard process but with so many rewards, I hope you give it a go. The toxic feelings will stay and contaminate your feelings about anything after a while.

When you are writing just put down what you are thinking. Don't worry about the order or the way you express yourself. Put it in note form, add to it later if you remember something. It doesn't matter how. Your therapist could ask all sorts of things but I suspect he will not ask you a great deal. Prompt you at times when you start telling him about an event, and/or ask how you felt. It's not a scary process but if you do start to get anxious, then say so and ask to go more slowly. Therapists have told me they will only go as fast as I want.

You could copy your posts on BB and print them. What you have written here is fine. Just pretend you are writing to the BB crowd and talk or vent. It's all OK.

Can't write much at a time because I have hurt my wrists. Well my shoulder and knee as well, so writing/typing can be a bit painful. Getting a blood test tomorrow.

Mary

[Croix]

Dear Quercus~

Mary has some good suggestions.

I think you may have some of the same trouble I had. I ended up using the scatter approach. I figured I'd just write whatever. Then after I looked at it and thought - I ought to add this or that (I'd already put a lot of unpleasant stuff down) or what my feelings were now - so I could then add why.

I handed the mess over and let the psych try to sort it all out. Between questions and patience (by both of us) I guess it got there. One thing to remember is you don't always have to say everything as sometimes there is a set of words or phrases or attitudes that pop up time and time again in a good psych's experience which give insight.

I'm probably not making much sense - bit tired - but the main thing is give the material and see, it should be a cooperative session.

BTW I'm enjoying Jon Bellion, more versatile than I first thought.

The psych won't think you are over-reacting or stupid, please trust me on that, and if you feel something important is being left out - then sing out.

Croix