feeling so lonely and isolated

[hope4joy]

hi everyone, I feel kinda guilty posting here because I haven't been active on the forums for a month or two. I guess I just need to vent and reach out a bit as I can't seem to stop crying today. i guess the main thing is i feel overwhelming loneliness. its horrible because my life outwardly is going so well, in terms of doing things and studying in an area that i love. but it seems my loneliness is something that always comes and haunts me, or plagues me or is just my reality in life. i'm okay with being alone and spending time by myself. but i struggle to maintain many close friendships. its like i'm getting worse at it the older i get. and i seriously have so few people in my life that matter and hardly anyone i can ring up and ask to catch up with. and it seems i al always the one initiating contact with others, no one really makes an effort to spend time with me. i keep having something go round and round in my head, something that a friend said to me that at a certain point in her life she realised she didn't like who she was and she decided she had to change. in many ways i think i'm a caring, funny and sensitive friend, i'm good at encouraging people and being kind. but i suck at meeting my own needs and i think i often don't really share my mind or heart, i sort of withdraw. and when i'm stressed or sad or whatever then i pull back further - when this is when i most need support. sometimes i can feel really awkward in group social situations at night, and feel so out of place, and not know how to make small talk. i'm just so tired and distraught at not having a full loving life. am i a horrible person? what can't i seem to hold on to friendships? i was thinking to ask my one close friend for her honest feedback on why i suck at friendship cause sometimes it is much more obvious to other people, but i don't want to freak her out or put strain on our friendship. so yeah. i guess just many many tears of alone-ness. and the sad thing is i don't know how to solve it. maybe i am just a horrible person who is destined to be perpetually alone? and it is horrible that this was the trauma of my childhood - from about age 7 to 12 or so i lived in a home with an alcoholic dad and older sister and spent so much time in nature climbing trees and swimming - on my own. maybe i never learnt how to properly be around people and its gonna hinder me forever? sorry to be so self absorbed right now 😞 thanks for reading

[QldMouse]

Hi Hope4joy,

Oh my,I wish I'd come here first. Typing with you has been such a tonic for me, I am really enjoying it. Thank you.

It sounds like you get emotionally attached to things also, I do and my daughter does. I had to pry her fingers off her first baby when we sold it. It is great news that you have found her a good home, I assume she is a four wheeled lady. It is funny you say that about scrapes and scratches, me too. Have two dings I hate (both my fault, same reason as you) nobody else thinks anything of them. Both times I was on my way to a job interview and wound up. I read your paragraph nodding going "ah huh, oh yeah!!".

Wow, a dinner offer!! It does sound to me that you are clearly a pretty kind thoughtful person.

Ahh therapy, yes it can be very challenging. Like exercise isn't it, stretching muscles of the mind. It can hurt afterwards. You and your Mum sounds like me and my dad, I only found him later in life (another long story) and then wonder if he was better lost!! Too late, clearly there is no denying I'm his son. I tried. And yes it is much easier to tell people to take the good advice that you yourself are way to scared to follow. That must be human nature.

Nature yes, more a mountain man I think. I am not fond of water, in particular the ocean and I don't have a great history together. Water in a stream in reasonable quantities is fine. I have an issue with spirituality, based on how religious my mother was before, during and after she hurt me a lot. So I tend to associate spirituality with hypocrites, I'm sorry if that offend or upsets you. It is just me and my life, it is one of my many triggers. Sorry.

OMG, the 27th is so close I'm excited!! That is so wonderful. Your friend was sure right, the servings are huge. Oh, and one thing that can confuse. They call the "main" the "entre" ... Yanks, who knows right? But I fondly remember being asked what I wanted for my entre and said I'd skip it and just have a main. The waitress just looked at me went ah huh and moved on. When everyone else was served, I eventually figured out my mistake. Embarrassing, and I was left hungry.

Make sure you check out the Mexican, Indian and Chinese food. And Chinese Chinese, not American Chinese!! They have both in San Fran and a wonderful big multicultural population. Oh food. You wont starve, not a chance.

Thank you for the good wishes, that is sweet of you and I appreciate it. Sending you my happy thoughts, you cheered me up.

[hope4joy]

Hi Qld Mouse,

I'm so glad that typing to me can cheer you up. I really like popping in here, like a nice friendly cafe, or a good friend's house. I think it really encourages me to know that you had such fond times in California - and even that bit of Cali that I'm going to - like San Jose. You're one of the few people I know who's been there. You sound a bit sad in your last message, or a little down, how are things? Do you have hope for change?

And no offence at all about the spirituality thing. I remembered someone sharing that but wasn't sure if it was you or white knight who'd said they'd had bad experiences with religion. I get very triggered by hypocrisy. Like its one of the stronger ones for me. Both my parents said things but acted in other ways, like saying they just wanted me to be happy but emotionally abused and neglected me. So I'm not a fan of when people don't walk their talk, although I can tolerate it and separate my history out some of the time.

My dad is very anti-religions, though for different reasons. I guess for me I found so much love, acceptance and guidance from buddhist schools/ monasteries for ten years or so of my life, so spirituality has positive meanings. But I'm not a big fan of organised religions in general. Anyways enough about that!!

Yes I know what you mean about chinese chinese food! its the same here. I like visiting Sydney for that reason - near central station chinatown has some great cheap chinese, vietnamese and even japanese eateries.

And yes - the car has been sold! All four wheels of her. And to a lovely young woman, who is just back from 2.5 years in London. And it is a real relief Qld Mouse, I am glad I need not worry what is happening to her while away. And I've set up a term deposit with the funds plus a little extra, so I will have the money to buy my new car when I'm home... my third car ever! I'm going to start researching what to buy a few months before I come back... am thinking of upsizing from a suzuki swift to a ute or station wagon or something to hold my art and camping gear. And sorry if I'm just repeating myself, I'm not sure what I shared, and it is already back on another page 🙂

I had my last work shift last night, with a small group of over-excited 5-9 year olds! We went trampolining and they all had the best time, and me too. They had this crazy foam pit, with square pieces of foam, and you could bounce off and do a summer-sault or whatever into the pit.

[hope4joy]

... but weighing more than the kids, i'd land in deeper and it'd sort of compress and turn into quicksand. It was sooooo difficult to get out that it was comical. I decided after three goes that would do me. But yes, so nice to see the kids faces light up so brightly. And they gave me a thoughtful farewell gift of American lollies and a card. I cried a bit last night - it is a special feeling to feel appreciated and loved. It really challenges the negative views I hold of myself. I looked at that in a psychology session today - how I believe these really negative views of myself because they are familiar. And it feels like the time is nearing to let them go. And maybe I wont fall apart but will just be more relaxed and happier.

And shucks Qld Mouse, there was another security email from my uni today. Apparently a girl was standing at the uni bus stop and got punched in the face and her bag stolen. I think I'm gonna need to train a mob of raccoons to be my bodyguards! Or borrow an Alsatian. I really hope I don't encounter violent crime. I think I'll try to do it so if my bag is taken its not the end of the world, and try to keep minimal important things/cash in it.

So yes, 1.5 weeks to go. And now I'm starting to feel ready to depart. Im sooooooooooooooooo looking forward to sitting on that plane! Let the holiday begin 🙂 I paid for a storage unit yesterday and will move out of my rental on wed. Then one week left. I guess a good thing about being brave in life is you get to have lots of exciting and memorable experiences.

And what the, with calling a main an entre?! That sounds like a particularly meagre meal. Its also sad that no one picked up on your misunderstanding and corrected it for you. Maybe they though you were hanging out for supper at home or something! Oh yeah I noticed there is corn syrup in all the lollies.

Do you have a favourite/s mountain Qld Mouse? Its funny in that I've had a favourite hill/mountain walk most places I've lived - in Canberra at My Majura, in Brissie Mt Cootha, in Perth at Whistlepipe Gully and so forth. They helped keep me sane I think. And when I'd recently moved to Alice Springs and spent xmas day alone I took a walk up the MacDonnel Ranges totally nude accept for a hat and walking boots! At one with nature, that's what you call it right? Yes I did a few of those exhilarating and liberating things when young... fond memories.

Shucks out of words, kindness and smiles to you Qld Mouse!

C 🙂

[QldMouse]

Hi Christina,

The coffee shop, friends house analogy is so nice, I don't get to coffee shops like I used to, and I miss the interaction. That is probably a part of the way I feel at them moment.

Great to hear the car has moved on to her next owner and that farewell sounds great. You worked with kids? That is fantastic and so rewarding, and I have a vision of you under a ton of foam blocks. Fun!! Your work was obviously appreciated.

I'm sorry to say that the world is not a perfect place, the message from the uni is a sad sign of the state of our world. It is good that the uni sounds proactive and sends alerts to the students and staff, I take that as a positive sign of caring.

Oh boy, 1.5 weeks until we have a foreign corespondent here. 🙂

I don't really have mountains being in Brisbane, at least not what I think of mountains. Need to change off that topic, but bushwalking I really hope you don't go out alone. Join a bushwalking group they are everywhere. I'm a bit paranoid due to my medical issues, and that fact that I collapsed on a bushwalk and am alive because of a great leader and a lovely nurse. Nothing shocks you like being told you died twice and were resuscitated.

No solo bushwalking please, too much can go wrong. Enjoy it with people.

Kindness and smiles back at you lovely Christina.

Hate to leave the cafe but gotta go.

[hope4joy]

Hi Qld Mouse,

it is officially one week to go! I'm feeling a bit inundated with last minute things to do. But I also feel good and happy, which is nice for a change! I'm moving home tomorrow and then off camping with mum for four nights on the sunshine coast. Back for two nights at a friends and then flight time! I have my last or second last psychology session tonight, which is a little bit daunting. But I do think I'll be able to cope without her, though will miss the connection, and will hope to set something up when I arrive in San Jose. It is a bit of a drama trying to get enough meds to tie me over till I get to San Jose, not really sure why, but hopefully will get them from my psych next Monday. All the planning that goes into mental health stuff! So yes, very much looking forward to sitting on the plane and not having anything to do for 13 hours except sleep, eat, watch movies and maybe chat a little to people. Bliss! I always choose the aisle seat because I'm a bit of a fidget and get up and walk around a lot. And then on arriving I'll have another 11 days where I wont need to think much, as I tour around the amazing national parks near LA. So yeah, I'm starting to get excited. Its hard work preparing and packing up so I reckon I need to enjoy the experiences as much as I can, for it all to make sense!

And whoa, died twice on a bush walk? That sounds far too intense. I'm glad you pulled through and had qualified people to help you. I do bush walk alone but only for little walks and ones with a descent amount of people. I want to walk near the Hollywood sign in LA but haven't quite figured out if I'm allowed to - and I did hear there are mountain lions in that country, so, yes might not be the wisest move!

And yes I work with kids with disabilities (and adults too). Most of people I worked with have wonderful abilities that far exceed the general population, especially creatively or interpersonally/ emotionally.

I've gotta dash Qld Mouse - got a chiro appointment and then my psychologist. Do you see your psychologist this week. And I just can't stop thinking about raccoons!!!

Thanks for the chai latte on the go, chat more soon, I really appreciate you Qld Mouse - you've helped so much in helping me get mentally prepared and excited about my trip.

Bright smiles, Christina and the future-raccoons 🙂

[QldMouse]

Hi Christina,

OMG that is so exciting, I just hear the joy between the lines, its pushing the letter apart!! I am so happy for you. Yes planning takes energy but the satisfaction of having the planning pay off is nice.

I'll think of you on the Sunny coast, but no scaling the glasshouse mountains on a whim eh? take it easy and conserve energy for next week. Yes that is a heck of a flight, great way to catch up on all the movies you missed though!!

Sure you can hike to the hollywood sign, its a great walk from the park below it. If your really game you can hike to the Griffith Observatory which is really nice too. If I can do it I'm sure you can. Google Hike to the Hollywood Sign- A Local's Recommendation! Yes there are mountain lions in the hollywood hills like there are drop bears in the bush on the sunny coast ... The odd cranky kitty maybe. 🙂

A recommendation, if you are in LA I strongly suggest two days at the Disney parks at Anaheim. Great fun for kids of all ages. There is the original Disneyland park that will blow your mind, but next door is now the California park which is just awesome. You can get park hopper tickets online or at the park, but you will have a ball. Impossible not to.

I'm not surprised you work with kids and adults with disabilities, it was pretty clear you are a special person with a rich character. The same empathy that drives your uncertainty is your biggest strength.

Thank you so much for your kind words, I really appreciate that. I have really enjoyed swapping words with you, sharing in your excitement has made me really happy and as you expect, it has reminded me of a great period in my life.

I hope you had a good visit to the racoon, oops er psychologist!! The raccoons are next week, got it!! Yes, I'm up tonight.

Clearly your chai latte will fit into the Californian coffee culture, I'll think of your while I sip my Mocha.

Happy trails Christina!!

[hope4joy]

Hi Qld Mouse,

Thank you for your suggestions of some fun things to do in LA. I've only got a few days there on the way in because I need to find accomodation in San Jose - but I'll have time again before I fly out and maybe over xmas.

Ive had a few rough days, lots of bickering with mum. It's horrible when you see the person you admire saying cutting things and being preoccupied with her own interests. We nearly called it quits this morning with me catching a bus back, but decided to try to enjoy our time here. Weather and scenery is amazing. Even saw an echidna close up today on the walking path, digging with its snout for insects. But yeah, a lot of sadness about how it is with mum.

Anyways, enough on that. What have you been up to? Gleaned any new wisdoms/ awarenesses lately?

Kind wishes, Christina

[QldMouse]

Hi Christina,

Sounds like your in for a busy few days, make sure you do take so "you" time and smell the roses.

I'm sorry to hear you had some disappointment with your mother, yes I have moments with my dad and my wife has her moments with her mum. That relationship can be challenging at times, especially when you bound to be alike in some ways. She is probably also trying to cope with the fact that your spreading your wings, or even jealousy may be putting in an appearance. Who knows. We humans are really good at being grumpy at someone for something completely unrelated to what we are grumping about. Or maybe that is just me?

You saw an echidna? That is amazing, cute little buggers arn't they. People don't appreciate what life there is in the bush even around population centres. That is very cool.

Yes I've had a rollercoaster ride the last few days, I'm still a bit dizzy but I can see some hope on the horizon for the first time in many years. My head is spinning. From being pretty down through the end of the week, I had some very good news Saturday that has really lifted my spirits.

I know its not as simple as that, and it is another journey that will take time. But the sun is shining, the light at the end of the tunnel is not a train!!

So exciting eh? Your bags are packed, your ready to go ... leaving on a jet plane!! All the very best.

[hope4joy]

Hi Qld Mouse,

How nice to hear you've had some good news that has lifted your spirits and shown you a brighter future! That is wonderful. I hope that it works out for you. Naturally you're welcome to share here about it, but I also respect your privacy and appreciate that some things we don't like to put on a public forum. But yay for you!

And yes, it is very common to be grumpy about things past/other... at times I can even forget what I'm grumpy about! I had a good ending with mum as she drove off, but I guess there is now a bit more space between us - not necessarily cold - more a respect and freedom - perhaps its was too close for comfort for a long while. Its certainly a work in progress trying to have a good adult relationship with mum where we don't try to care for each other too much!

I'm a bit tired to be honest, it has been a bit go-go-go these last days. Yah for 13 hours of doing nothing!!! I've almost finished everything I needed to - the last thing was just to research which sim card to buy on arrival. I checked and my phone will work with the ATT network (via the specs) so its shouldn't be too tricky to choose. I feel proud that I've made so many decisions lately and everything seems to be falling into place. Bag is packed, 0.7 kg over so fingers crossed the airline attendant is having a good day and overlooks the 700 grams! I've got a few toiletries I can ditch if need be to bring it back under the weight limit. But sorry this is probably very trivial to listen too!

I just wanted to pop by and say hello - and that I'll chat to you again from the US of A! I'm doing a tour straight up so I might be missing in action for a couple of weeks but will be back. I've missed connecting on the forum more and will likely have some free time before uni starts.

Hoping your week pans out well Qld Mouse,

kind wishes, Christina 🙂

[QldMouse]

Bon voyage lovely Christina,

I don't know if you'll read this before going, but thinking of you with a smile and wishing you an awesome journey, smooth sailing, and great movies!!

Yes, I have had to repack bags at checkin, it happens more often than you'd think. Good luck and may all your check in folks be busy, friendly, and short sighted!!

Warmest wishes for a great journey and hope 4 joy in your year. 🙂