feeling so lonely and isolated

hope4joy · ‎15-05-2016

hi everyone, I feel kinda guilty posting here because I haven't been active on the forums for a month or two. I guess I just need to vent and reach out a bit as I can't seem to stop crying today. i guess the main thing is i feel overwhelming loneliness. its horrible because my life outwardly is going so well, in terms of doing things and studying in an area that i love. but it seems my loneliness is something that always comes and haunts me, or plagues me or is just my reality in life. i'm okay with being alone and spending time by myself. but i struggle to maintain many close friendships. its like i'm getting worse at it the older i get. and i seriously have so few people in my life that matter and hardly anyone i can ring up and ask to catch up with. and it seems i al always the one initiating contact with others, no one really makes an effort to spend time with me. i keep having something go round and round in my head, something that a friend said to me that at a certain point in her life she realised she didn't like who she was and she decided she had to change. in many ways i think i'm a caring, funny and sensitive friend, i'm good at encouraging people and being kind. but i suck at meeting my own needs and i think i often don't really share my mind or heart, i sort of withdraw. and when i'm stressed or sad or whatever then i pull back further - when this is when i most need support. sometimes i can feel really awkward in group social situations at night, and feel so out of place, and not know how to make small talk. i'm just so tired and distraught at not having a full loving life. am i a horrible person? what can't i seem to hold on to friendships? i was thinking to ask my one close friend for her honest feedback on why i suck at friendship cause sometimes it is much more obvious to other people, but i don't want to freak her out or put strain on our friendship. so yeah. i guess just many many tears of alone-ness. and the sad thing is i don't know how to solve it. maybe i am just a horrible person who is destined to be perpetually alone? and it is horrible that this was the trauma of my childhood - from about age 7 to 12 or so i lived in a home with an alcoholic dad and older sister and spent so much time in nature climbing trees and swimming - on my own. maybe i never learnt how to properly be around people and its gonna hinder me forever? sorry to be so self absorbed right now 😞 thanks for reading

hope4joy · ‎06-07-2016

Oh Qld Mouse,

Thank you for the smiles and laugh. I detect a mix of frenzied anxiety and excitement... although perhaps I'm reading my own barometer! It does get confusing doesn't it... whose feelings are whose. Well thats how it is in my world half the time. I really hope your session goes well tomorrow Qld Mouse - I think your therapist will be happy to see you again, you seem very committed and motivated to the process. May many big gains lay ahead. And then more some.

And ahhhhh that question, "so what do feel about..." I swear it is my psychiatrist's favourite expression. I know she's coming from a good place but sometimes it seems so stilted and 'therapy-like' and I have to use all my self control to just answer the question. My psych has been away for a month and is back on Mon so it'll be good to see her. Its weird cause earlier this year I realised that she can't help me any further on my path (well it was something I realised over about 12 months, I'm slow to let go) so now I see her mostly for meds stuff - and thats when I started seeing a psychologist. But she's the only therapist I've seen long term - about three years I think, mostly weekly, so I guess it feels nice and familiar and comfortable being around her. While therapy can drive me mad in many ways, it is beautiful to have that safe supportive space to share anything and everything necessary.

And Qld Mouse, I just love your outlook that I have a whole new continent of people to meet and make a great first impression on. That is really delightful!! Thank you. Gosh I hope you can bring some of your over-flowing kindness and encouragement onto yourself too.

Yes, and um, with rule-breaking... the public service wasn't always the best fit for me! I believe that if a rule is outdated or doesn't make sense then it should be broken... but um not everyone feels the same. Yeah I admire those successful people who followed their creative dreams like Branson and Gates... incredible sorts.

Pace your breathing and trust yourself,

Laters,

Christina 🙂

QldMouse · ‎08-07-2016

Hi Christina,

Well frenzied anxiety and something else, I have a lot going on. Life does go in cycles doesn't it, I was never much for roller coasters but it feels like I'm on one. That feeling in the pit of your stomach.

I so agree with your comments about therapy, although I know I have a long way to go and much work to do. I feel like I'm halfway up the cliff face, with either the rest of the climb or a graceful decent yet to come very soon.

I'm glad you like the concept of a whole new continent your about to meet for the first time. I've been there several times and it can be so liberating to be able to start fresh with a whole new environment. You can leave the baggage in storage, take just what you need and travel smart and fast. You have all these people who are prospective friends with no idea of your background, issues, or anything that came before. You can truly be the person you want to be. Oh god I want to do that again so much!!

Oh you forward thinker, you realize you'll be in the heart of silicon valley where so many dreams are made real? You just need an idea and that is the worlds best location to germinate it. Just saying.

You could be the next Christina Jobs ...

Have a great Friday and weekend, I have to go practice my breathing and keep an eye on that dodgy bloke in the mirror!! 🙂

hope4joy · ‎09-07-2016

Hi Qld Mouse,

how did your appointments go? Feeling good to be re-connected? I hope you managed to cover most of what you wanted to? Its nice to hear energy and happiness (?) in your voice.

That's an interesting analogy with the cliff face. I kind of feel that once we start 'recovery' there is no turning back. It is possible to sit down and rest for a while (or a longer while and procrastinate) but its not possible to unlearn the learnings and awarenesses and that there is another way to do things/ live.

I did some really heavy work with my psychologist - actually many of our sessions are heavy going, and this week I haven't been able to ground properly. Do you know that feeling, of sort of staying raw and open until the next session? I guess it made me feel really vulnerable. We were getting to some core beliefs I have that I am bad and flawed, and it is confronting to think of holding any other view. Also I had a farewell do at work which was really thoughtful but made me quite sad to be leaving, but I am able to work there again when I'm back if it works out like that. So yeah, feeling a bit sad and down, but I guess that can happen to anyone, I'm trying not to be too sensitive to mood. I'm catching up with a friend this arvo and for dinner and then mum arrives tomorrow, so I'll have lots of company. I really need to invest more in friendships here when I get back from o/seas.

Do you have anything nice happening over the weekend?

Have you got ideas on projects to develop in silicon valley?

Kind wishes, Christina

QldMouse · ‎11-07-2016

Hi Hope4joy,

Good to see you back, by now I guess you have your Mum there for some good girl time in the next few weeks. I hope you two have a fantastic time and make the most of it.

Yes, back on the couch, more this week. Yes, heavy lifting at the moment is sure right. And yes, that raw feeling with the nerves dragging along the ground. That feels like where I am at now. Need a few emotional band aids I think.

Having a bit of Monday -itis maybe, but over halfway through the day and catching up.

If I could think of something good for a silicon valley idea, I'll be on the next plane I recon.

All the best.

hope4joy · ‎11-07-2016

Hi Qld Mouse,

you paint a harrowing picture of therapy, with nerves dragging along the ground! I get that helpful therapy often isn't comfortable, because its about trying to re-learn more helpful ways to see oneself/ others/ situations etc. And this can be very painful. But I hope your sessions are not too intense, like re-traumatising? I've been in therapy before where I almost stopped being able to function, because the therapist didn't help me get back to solid ground at the end of the session. But you've spoken highly of this psychologist, so you know its helpful?

Yes and thanks, mum is here and its lovely having her company. We're doing a mix of practical tasks (I have about 1 week to sell my car....eeek!) and then also lovely bush walks/ suburban walks. And games of scrabble. Yes it is good to catch up with her. We're quite similar, which can be good and annoying at the same time!

Kind wishes! Christina

QldMouse · ‎12-07-2016

Hi Christina,

Well, there is an old saying that what does not kill you makes you stronger, and pain is weakness leaving the body, and ... well, lots like that. At times to me its felt like ripping my heart out, pinning it onto an exterminating table and poking it with sharp objects and electrodes. Then rolling it up and stuffing it back in the chest. Yes I'm in a wobbly state this week. I think it is helpful, certainly makes you thoughtful huh?!?!

I'm no expert, but I have also stumbled out of a session with my bits hanging off at odd angles. Its very cold and unpleasant all right. I do feel that now I get to finish and leave more or less intact.

It sounds lovely with your mum, I love bush walks and time in nature, it is the best medicine. It is nice and a mixed blessing when you are so close to you parent or child. I've seen some dodgy expressions on my daughters face that looked familiar, hmmm as seen in the mirror. ooops. That acorn fell at the base of the tree all right, nice to hear your the same!!

Not long now, looking forward to reports from across the ditch!!

hope4joy · ‎13-07-2016

Hi Qld Mouse,

I just sat down to write to you but there is all sorts of chaos at home just now, with mum trying to cook dinner and someone to look at my car, so I'll write later when I an place more attention on it! I hope your day was a good one.

Christina 🙂

QldMouse · ‎13-07-2016

OMG Christina,

You left your mum unsupervised in your kitchen, never good!!

Priorities young lady!!!

#1. Sell the car

#2. Save the kitchen

#3. Relax and smile 🙂

And have a wonderful night.

hope4joy · ‎14-07-2016

Hi Qld Mouse,

its so nice to pop in here, I really appreciate chatting / conversing / typing with you! And yes, your priorities sound about right. Mum sometimes get very stressed about things that I don't see as important/worthy of stressing, so I must do my best to respond kindly and helpfully. And sometimes I can be a bit blunt. She's been worrying about my doing everything I need to before leaving and I keep reminding that they are my stresses at not hers! There need not be two people stressing over it. And I'm pretty relaxed Qld Mouse, the selling of the car has caused flutters a few times, it was very tough to bring myself to advertise her. She's my second car ever and I bought her privately almost new - a little suzuki swift - and she's been incredibly reliable. I guess she feels like my lifeline to freedom - to be able to get around. And a little worry knowing I'll need to buy a new car when I'm back. Someone has paid a deposit and she's coming to test drive the car today at 1pm, and if she doesn't want it for some reason that I've another buying who drove it last night and is very keen. My car seems to attract female uni student potential buyers.

Its funny though Qld Mouse, because when I photographed my car I also took images of all the defects on the outside. Minor ones like some scratches on the hubcubs from parking while stressed :), and a dent from someone else at a shopping centre ramming the door itno her, and a few little scratches. And to me these were big things. But in actual fact everyone who has seem the car is astounded by what good condition she is in - the inside is immaculate and the outside is good too. It was a real wake-up call that I have a strong bias for the negative. I was talking to my psych last night about how I view myself in the same way. One or two little mistakes or muck ups or weaknesses here and there and I right myself off as a complete failure. And maybe that's not really fair. One of the potential buyers didn't go ahead (they needed an automatic, mine is manual) said I was so kind and generous in our dealings they wanted to return the favour and invite me for dinner! So maybe I am a pretty kind thoughtful person. I can be incredibly friendly and chatty at times too. More and more lately, as I feel my mood lift. I've come away from a couple of interactions and been a bit in awe, seeing how animated and confident I was - its nice to have that returning. Shucks I'm at 62 characters, I'd better post again...

hope4joy · ‎14-07-2016

So yeah, my therapy has been really challenging lately, trying to break down the very negative entrenched views I hold about myself. I feel too scared to let them go yet, they are part of who I am, but I'm going to start questioning them and looking for alternative evidence, because the time is near to let them go. Geeze its heavy stuff this therapy and relearning and reprogramming, isn't it Qld Mouse?! I'm glad to hear that you finish most of your sessions these days 'more or less intact' as you put it!

And yes, the pros and cons of seeing I'm like my mum! And its funny that my mum often encourgaes me to do things that she herself is afraid to do (typically social interactions in some way, asking for help etc) and it annoys me terribly that she herself doesn't do it. Funny how we can give great suggestions/ encouragement but not always follow it ourselves.

Its nice to hear that you enjoy time in nature too. Do you have any favourite places? Are you a beach or forest or mountain or... type of person? I love being around water, and particularly love swimming with my head underwater, it feels so calm and soothing and reassuring (unless of course it is a chaotic choppy ocean!) - although I spend more time near big gum trees in the bush/ park. Although most of the walks near my home follow creek-lines, so I guess there is water too. I often associate water with letting go/ growing/ release. I love it how seamlessly water finds a new path, irrespective of the obstacles. And it is very cleansing (spiritual as well as physical level). Do you have any sort of spirituality or higher place or the like Qld Mouse? I guess for me I followed buddhism for ten years plus and take on board much of what they taught, but also talk my learnings from my art, and yoga and just being in nature. A mix of all sorts I guess. It was a real process finding and developing my values - and one that is still in progress - as I didn't get many healthy ones modelled to me when I was young.

So yes its all happening! I put my things into storage on Wed, then a good few days away camping with mum, and then back for two nights before flying off on Wed morning (27th).

Whats in your thoughts/ day to day at the moment Qld Mouse? Do you go on holidays, or have anything planned?

What are some of the foods I must try in the US? A friend said 3 people can suffice with one serving at times, with super sizing! And any fond memories of San Fran?

Sending many good wishes your way,

Christina 🙂