feeling so lonely and isolated

[hope4joy]

hi everyone, I feel kinda guilty posting here because I haven't been active on the forums for a month or two. I guess I just need to vent and reach out a bit as I can't seem to stop crying today. i guess the main thing is i feel overwhelming loneliness. its horrible because my life outwardly is going so well, in terms of doing things and studying in an area that i love. but it seems my loneliness is something that always comes and haunts me, or plagues me or is just my reality in life. i'm okay with being alone and spending time by myself. but i struggle to maintain many close friendships. its like i'm getting worse at it the older i get. and i seriously have so few people in my life that matter and hardly anyone i can ring up and ask to catch up with. and it seems i al always the one initiating contact with others, no one really makes an effort to spend time with me. i keep having something go round and round in my head, something that a friend said to me that at a certain point in her life she realised she didn't like who she was and she decided she had to change. in many ways i think i'm a caring, funny and sensitive friend, i'm good at encouraging people and being kind. but i suck at meeting my own needs and i think i often don't really share my mind or heart, i sort of withdraw. and when i'm stressed or sad or whatever then i pull back further - when this is when i most need support. sometimes i can feel really awkward in group social situations at night, and feel so out of place, and not know how to make small talk. i'm just so tired and distraught at not having a full loving life. am i a horrible person? what can't i seem to hold on to friendships? i was thinking to ask my one close friend for her honest feedback on why i suck at friendship cause sometimes it is much more obvious to other people, but i don't want to freak her out or put strain on our friendship. so yeah. i guess just many many tears of alone-ness. and the sad thing is i don't know how to solve it. maybe i am just a horrible person who is destined to be perpetually alone? and it is horrible that this was the trauma of my childhood - from about age 7 to 12 or so i lived in a home with an alcoholic dad and older sister and spent so much time in nature climbing trees and swimming - on my own. maybe i never learnt how to properly be around people and its gonna hinder me forever? sorry to be so self absorbed right now 😞 thanks for reading

[QldMouse]

.../ part 2

I have no doubt you will find the US inviting, and Californians pride themselves on being laid back and different. In a lot of ways they are far less judgemental than Australian's. If you don't believe me then go down to a Wall Mart in the middle of the night, you'll see what I mean.

If you can't wait, then find someplace quiet and google "People Of Walmart". May pay to have a box of tissues handy ... just saying.

On a less hilarious note, there are support groups for EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING!! Although healthcare is costly, getting help isn't. Especially in a major city like San Francisco.

Heck, I am so excited for you. Thank you, you have made my day.

I think in a year this will have been the best thing you have ever done.

Good luck and just have an awesome time.

Hi Neil, hope you thaw out soon, keep warm mate!!

[Moonstruck]

Well, Hi there, Qld Mouse. We have at least one thing in common........you sound like a wonderfully adventurous interesting person..(that's not the thing we have in common !!)

..couldnt help noticing your mentioning the wonderful Robin Williams. A couple of special people in my life just shared a Facebook piece with me featuring Robin that I think is beautifully uplifting.....Its from "Goalcast".....you may be able to find it - have a wonderful day.....Moon S.

[pipsy]

Hi hope4joy. Just noticed you're winging your way to San-Francisco and going to San Jose. I was there a few years ago. I went to Winchester House while there. It's on a huge block, the house is enormous, built by the founder of the Winchester rifle. He died before the house was finished, his widow went slightly off the planet and kept builder's there 24/7. If you get the chance please visit, it's well worth it, that's if you haven't already been there. I also went to the San Diego water world, that is also well worth a look see.

Lynda

[hope4joy]

Wow, how lovely to pop on here and find this lovely community of people!

I was feeling quite lonely this afternoon. I went and saw a movie (gorgeous film, the NZ 'hunt for wilderpeople' - a mix between the whale rider (NZ movie) and Thelma and Louise, a golden classic!) but came home and was like gee, I wish I had some old friends or partner or someone to drop in on. I do have a couple of good friends - blessidly - and one lives in my city, but other than that I just have lots of acquaintances. I seem pretty good at keeping people at a safe distance 😞 anyhow, I really hope this is something I can change. My current psychologist is amazing and is showing me some new healthy ways of relating. I was quite beside myself yesterday, I was so agitated and shaking with fear. So much fear. And self doubt. I really appreciate everyone's support of my upcoming trip. Its hard too though, because feeling terrified isn't the 'right' response. I often seem to respond differently to others - in chaos and disaster i am calm, while when everyone is happy and laughing i can get afraid. Yeah, the emotional sensitive soul that i am. So i guess overcoming this "lonely and isolated" thing might take a bit of time. It kinda freaks me out because it might be too later to have kids by the time i get to such a place but i guess thats not something i can control. So yeah feeling pretty reflective just now. It was amazing with my psychologist last night in our session - she basically gave me the support i needed - and has offered to book in some skype sessions when i'm away, and to sit down and problem solve about how i can feel more supported. i'm so used to platitudes but this is a first that someone is actually doing something to help me. i actually had to ask her why she is being so nice. i feel lucky to have that support. and to be able to chat to you guys on here!

anyhow, I'd like to do some replies, so might start a new box for that... thanks for listening 🙂

[hope4joy]

Hi Qld Mouse,

its really lovely to hear your enthusiasm for the bay area - thank you. And it seems you know the area pretty well. I just looked up santa clara - wow - that is right next door to san jose! and funny to call them 'towns'. although i confess that i am hoping to pick up an american accent and to learn as much slang as possible! i think it'll be fun. and come back and confuse people. i actually sometimes find it difficult to understand a thick american accent - but maybe they're the ones from the deep south like alabama... i'd love to go there too. but yeah i choose California because it seemed the most open-minded progressive sort of areas, and then its been such a plus to learn about all the national parks. For my first 11 days i've booked a tour to go to joshua's tree. the grand canyon and lots of natural sights in that area. And then i hope to get to yosemite on a holiday or long weekend or something. there seem like so many great places to visit.

i was a little shocked today though - i went to yoga and overheard one woman say she was from california so i went and said and she was from the bay area! but she told me that the blocks around san jose state uni, in downtown san jose is a really dodgy area! she said to be careful of being mugged. and that they release a lot of prisoners in that area. so i'll need to have my smarts about me! i wanted the full american cultural experience but would prefer without the mugging!

and it is so lovely to hear you talk Qld Mouse about the Americans being so friendly and open-hearted. It sounds like they really were some special years for you? I'm glad you had that experience. It reminds me a little of my time in Vietnam - I lived there for two years and they were the happiest in my life - i had an adopted family and best friend and other friends - i felt i belonged there like i'd never belonged in australia. The pollution and traffic were annoying as heck, as was being asked about my marriage status by everyone (marriage = happiness and success over there) but it was a mighty special time in my life.

and apologies on behalf of donkey! you could always replace that annoying song with "red flower, blue petals.. red flower, blue petals... damn this would be so much easier if i wasn't colour blind! shrek - i'm coming!!"

I love that scene.

oh yes, i looked up people of walmart. I do love the "my fav" from 06.13! That'd be me! I'm excited to try all the different foods...

[hope4joy]

... including fast food and mexican food. i want to try to experience all that america has on offer!

Ah Qld Mouse I just re-read your messages and it is so lovely to hear your enthusiasm! that getting drunk with the marines sounds like quite a story! how long were you there for? what are some other stellar memories? And thanks for the reassurance that the visa interview is friendly. I got my passport photos and copies of passport done today for it.

... and I wonder, is there a way you could get some of that california life happening in Qld? You sound so inspired and invigorated and happy... I do hope you can find special pockets of that is little ole queensland too.easier said than done though, some places just are special. i think its all about the people and community one connects to - for me at least. Natural beauty is a big plus, but people (and cats and dogs) are the most memorable.

and cool - support groups!!!! I've done my fair share over the years!!! I even got to go to AA despite not being an alcoholic cause i was living in Alice Springs and there wasn't much other support available. Gosh Qld Mouse, our memories are precious things aren't they?

All smiles 🙂

Christina

[hope4joy]

Hi Tony White Knight,

really nice to hear from you! I'm sorry I'm not getting to other posts recently, I only have energy for this thread and a few of the games ones of late. So its nice you popped in. I'm really enjoying the sense of community.

i'm not sure if i fully understand your question Tony, but it seems like you're wondering why having a positive outlook doesn't necessarily change our self esteem? I agree that this has been one of the hardest things to change. i had an awareness when i was in DBT group therapy about 2 years ago - and I saw crystal clear that my notion of being a 'bad' person was false. it was incredibly liberating. i felt so good about myself. but unfortunately it was like the water or sky had cleared and then it clouded over again. and i think the worst thing with low self esteem is that it can impact so many life choices we meet. and it can limit us - well it has to me - quite greatly.

as to how to approach it? at the moment i'm doing the body processing of the time when those things happened (like being bullied mostly) and my psychologist makes us go back and re-write the ending, so i am cared for and protected and come out of the situation with power. so for me, i think that is part of it. i also feel that for me it is about making the choices in my life that i would do if i had high self esteem - and for this i can need others help and opinions. i dunno but i think the feedback i get from friends/ work/ the things i do and overcome really feed into my sense of self.

but yeah i don't know if it something i can change Tony. I nearly think it is something I can manage and that over time hopefully it will become a less familiar route/ behaviour/ feeling/ thought etc.

What are your thoughts/ feelings Tony?

[hope4joy]

Hi Pipsy Lynda,

thank you for popping by! And I like your profile pic 🙂 it is so courageous to put your photo up!

I just had a look at the Winchester House website - thank you, it looks like a great place to check out. I'll even be there for the halloween candle-light tours if so desired! and looking I noticed that there is a San Jose ultimate disk team - this is a frisbee league i played in here during my first time at uni. It might be a good sport to pick up when i'm there. and maybe basketball too. i've heard sports are a great way to meet people while on exchange.

What was san diego like pipsy lynda? Were you over there on holidays? Its nice to get recommendations.

Kind wishes,

Christina

[pipsy]

Hi Christina. Unfortunately I can't answer anything about San Jose. I went to Sea World and was only there for the day. I stayed in L.A, we caught a coach tour to San Jose. I have been to San Francisco where I visited Alcatraz, can't go to Frisco and not visit there. I was in Frisco for a week, during which time I visited Pier 39 several times. That was fascinating. I have also visited Hollywood, had a look round at some of the houses owned by movie stars. Went to Disney World in Hong Kong. I have also been to N.Y, unreal. Stayed round the corner from the Empire State building (didn't see King Kong however). Been to Washington, stood outside the White House.

Lynda.

[QldMouse]

Deep breath ....

Hi Moonstruck, Adventure was a life long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away. Was that the "be spectacular" piece? very moving, I watched several and wow.

Hi Pipsy, you are so right. Forgot about the Winchester place, and Sea World at San Diego is awesome.

Hi Christina, what a lovely name and what an amazing thread you have here, well done!! You keep your cool when those around you loose theirs, yes that places you in the top 5% of humans based on reactions to stimulus.

Great to hear about your psychologist, she sounds wonderful. Your not the only one that responds differently than what we think is normal. I'm told "normal" is highly over rated.

It is hard at times when you have happy people that flaunt their apparent happiness in front of you eh? I'll bet you their grades are way below yours, I'll bet they won't go as far as you, I'll bet they won't have the experiences your about to. From what I've seen in this thread you have a fantastic list of accomplishments and personal assets. From where I'm sitting you appear to be an amazing lady with an awesome life about to burst out and take over the world.

You have nailed it about the accents, the CA folks are easy, but once you head over the rockies south and north ... woh!! Don't forget those texans either yahall. Ahh, that lady ... that is another thing about yanks, they invented urban myth. Some cities are very bad like Detroit and parts of Miami, but mostly they are not much worse than the big east coast Aussie cities and Canberra of course. That place is dodgy as ... hope your not from there. It is a matter of being aware of your surroundings and it sound like you are very aware. If it feels bad then go with your gut.

Vietnam, Alice Springs !?!?!?!?! wow!!!! you have been around. What a wealth of experience you have.

Glad you enjoyed the WallMart "visions" ... people amaze me most of the time, such a wide range of people in the world.

I'm very curious about that question around positive outlook and low self esteem. Even when I was relatively happy my self esteem has been low. I know why in my case, but very interested in what you and Neil think and your experiences.

Be happy, safe and well all.