feeling so lonely and isolated

hope4joy · ‎15-05-2016

hi everyone, I feel kinda guilty posting here because I haven't been active on the forums for a month or two. I guess I just need to vent and reach out a bit as I can't seem to stop crying today. i guess the main thing is i feel overwhelming loneliness. its horrible because my life outwardly is going so well, in terms of doing things and studying in an area that i love. but it seems my loneliness is something that always comes and haunts me, or plagues me or is just my reality in life. i'm okay with being alone and spending time by myself. but i struggle to maintain many close friendships. its like i'm getting worse at it the older i get. and i seriously have so few people in my life that matter and hardly anyone i can ring up and ask to catch up with. and it seems i al always the one initiating contact with others, no one really makes an effort to spend time with me. i keep having something go round and round in my head, something that a friend said to me that at a certain point in her life she realised she didn't like who she was and she decided she had to change. in many ways i think i'm a caring, funny and sensitive friend, i'm good at encouraging people and being kind. but i suck at meeting my own needs and i think i often don't really share my mind or heart, i sort of withdraw. and when i'm stressed or sad or whatever then i pull back further - when this is when i most need support. sometimes i can feel really awkward in group social situations at night, and feel so out of place, and not know how to make small talk. i'm just so tired and distraught at not having a full loving life. am i a horrible person? what can't i seem to hold on to friendships? i was thinking to ask my one close friend for her honest feedback on why i suck at friendship cause sometimes it is much more obvious to other people, but i don't want to freak her out or put strain on our friendship. so yeah. i guess just many many tears of alone-ness. and the sad thing is i don't know how to solve it. maybe i am just a horrible person who is destined to be perpetually alone? and it is horrible that this was the trauma of my childhood - from about age 7 to 12 or so i lived in a home with an alcoholic dad and older sister and spent so much time in nature climbing trees and swimming - on my own. maybe i never learnt how to properly be around people and its gonna hinder me forever? sorry to be so self absorbed right now 😞 thanks for reading

hope4joy · ‎14-06-2016

Hi Qld Mouse,

thank you for your lovely long reply. I'm so sorry to hear that 2015 has been so hard. I noticed another thread by you and had a look at that. It sounds your living situation is really hard. I appreciate that catch you're in - not wanting to be where you are but also not wanting to be alone. I'm glad your daughter is such a good presence in your life.

ive been thinking lately about how I came to have such negative views of myself. I was left by my mum at a young age and grew up with a terrifying dad and bully older sister. But I've realised it was my 'friendship' with this one girl at school from 7 to 17 years was so destructive. When I was younger she bullied me physically but later she just ignored me totally. She lathered attention on others in our friendship group but said nothing to me. So I became invisible and had something wrong with me. I guess Qld Mouse the reason I'm sharing this is that I've had enough of seeing myself as bad and not good enough. It's painful remembering these times but I really want to decrease and remove the hold they have on me. It must be terrible Qld Mouse to be in a relationship where you're not respected. I think I'd prefer to be alone than being treated badly, but then I'm used to being on my own. And I guess what I'm trying to do now is learnt to treat myself better and to hold on to the good things in my life. I think some positive things don't fit my life view so I sabotage them or push them aside.

And yet there are so many ppl that care about me. It's powerful how our view of ourselves and the world really colours our experience.

thanks for all your encouraging words Qld Mouse. And I didn't realise Brene Brown was religious, I've not noticed that in her TED talks. But fair enough to being cautious if someone who was very religious hurt you.

Hmm, I think that's all my thoughts for now. I really hope that 2016 becomes a good year for you Qld Mouse. It sounds like 2015 was a really tough one.

Enjoy the winter sunshine and take it gently,

Christina 🙂

hope4joy · ‎14-06-2016

Hi Neil,

yes I agree, Shrek is a stellar movie... For years it was my pick me up movie when I felt down, and I guess the romantic lived happily ever after story was lovely too! I actually put one scene (but re edited) into a video work at uni last year. I find the scene where princess sings to get the bird's eggs just delightful! Fits my sense of humour 🙂

And yes, one more day to go with uni. I'll double check my assessment but it's all good to submit tomorrow.

as to money, you know I haven't thought about that. While I'm on a low income I always have enough to live on and am able to pay my expenses. I just realised how lucky I am in that regard. But as to a lotto influx, well id like to help my mum out fiancially. And then I'd catch up with a few international friends, maybe shouting them a great holiday in Australia. And after that? I'm really not sure, maybe I'd buy a nice stills and video camera, although I can hire them from uni. Yeah that's super nice to know I'm not wanting much!

Now I've finished uni almost I need to start preparing for exchange. I got great grades and have an exchange place to the US for a year! Terrifying and exhilarating. Am glad my anti d's are starting to kick in, I want them for back up in such a huge move. I hate the idea of mental illness stopping me from doing things in life.

Well id better stop here Neil. How's your week tracking?

And thanks for this conversation, it's really calming and grounding. I appreciate that!

kind wishes, Christina

QldMouse · ‎14-06-2016

Hi Christina,

WOW!! Well done you, well done. I really admire your commitment, very impressed.

Hi Neil,

I so love Shrek, I had the CD in my car that I borrowed from my daughter but I think she stole it. Kids. I love the quotes, and if I had a dollar for every time I told her "You're on your way to a smacked bottom." ... actually the number of times she has said that to me .... Hmmmm. Love Dreamworks movies, they are so wasted on kids.

Did you know Shrek has his own own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame? And the Mike Myers started the movie in a neutral accent then did a few lines in a Scottish accent, and everyone loved it so much he had to go back and re-record all his lines!! Yup, Shrek nut, guilty!!

Gee Neil, all that exercise. It makes me exhausted just reading the list!! Yes lotto, lotto, wherefore art thou lotto?

Take care both of you.

Neil_1 · ‎15-06-2016

Dear Christina,

Seems we’ve got a couple of posts happening here, which I hope you don’t mind, but it’s awesome to have Qld Mouse here as well.

Oh yes, I could talk about Shrek for ages, just brilliant stuff. And I see that Qld Mouse has mentioned more below, which I’ll address as well. 

Today’s the day for the submission of the assessment – I really hope that it is as awesome as you can make it and that once you’ve lodged it, you can get some down-time to relax. Some quality ‘me-time’.

You know, I do find that if I think now and then about what would happen if there was a big windfall, then it can put me into a different place. I kind of just allow myself to think, “oh boy” and “what if”, etc. But at the same time being very much aware that it is just pipe dreams and that the reality is still here.

Christina that is amazing news that you’ve got an exchange happening. Mega well done to you – I have no idea about such things really, but I would assume that if you didn’t get the grades that you received, you wouldn’t have been offered such a phenomenal opportunity; that is really awesome stuff. When is the exchange to happen and what part of the U.S. will you be in?

Great to hear that your anti-d’s are kicking in and so, yep, keep on taking them and along with other mechanisms that you may have in place, I hope that things start to level out a little for you in the coming weeks, months.

My week is tracking along ok – pretty chilly where I am; been minus 4 degrees for the past two mornings, so that is kinda fresh to wake up too.

I tell you one thing – IF I do ever win lotto or the like and I buy a kayak, there’ll be NO WAY that I’ll be doing any early morning paddles in winter! :)

Kind regards

Neil

Neil_1 · ‎15-06-2016

Hi there Q.M.

“You’re on your way to a smacked bottom”; love it.

Or: “We’ll stay up all night swapping manly stories, then in the morning … I’m makin’ waffles!”

Hard to fathom that Mike Myers is Shrek, but at the same time he’s also Austin Powers. While there’s a helluva lot of slap-stick kind of stuff in Austin Powers, I’m a Shrek fan way more.

Wow, didn’t know that about the neutral accent and the change to Scottish – it’d be awesome to be that talented.

I remember an interview done with the late, great Robin Williams – and he was asked, when he’s at home with his children and he’s say, reading a book to them; “Do your children want you to go into character when reading them stories?”; “No no, they say, it’s too much Dad … we just want you”. I thought that was amusing. :)

Wherefore art thou lotto? Reminds me of a joke. A man prior going to bed every night, says “And dear God, please please let me win lotto”. Night after night he’d say the same thing. Then one night after he’d said it again, he then said, “Oh God, why don’t you listen to me and grant me this wish?”

The man then heard a booming voice say, “At least meet me half way on this – and go out and buy a ticket!”

Neil

QldMouse · ‎15-06-2016

Thank you Christina and Neil,

I am clearly not to brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, just worked out the thread goes over multiple pages. Doh.

Waves the "I'm new here" flag.

Christina, I'm so happy for you. I have spent a lot of time in the US and really enjoy it, it is such a country of contrasts. I love the pride yanks have in their country, I love the fact that many on the mainland think they can drive to Hawaii ... LOL. Where are you going? I'm sure it will blow your mind. WELL DONE!!

Oh Neil, yes I do know that joke. Right on buddy!! I miss Robin Williams, I was lucky enough to meet him once and he was so awesome, genuinely lovely humble guy. Went to a show of his and laughed so hard my sides were in pain for days. Really. So sad and such a loss for the world.

Be well and be happy you two awesome people.

hope4joy · ‎15-06-2016

Hi Neil and Qld Mouse,

I hope it is okay to write to you both together, with maybe little snippets for each of you? I'm really enjoying visiting this thread and just want to simplify my reply! Its also nice to hear so much about Shrek! And given I'm flying in to LA, that means I can see his star right? In Hollywood. I must admit that the thing that pops into my head the most, and quite annoyingly is "on the road again" by donkey! I seem to think it each time I get back into my car to drive somewhere. It really shows the power of brainwashing 🙂 I believe its so important what messages and teachings and songs and books movies etc one puts in one's head because it really infiltrates and stays there.

And thank you Neil and Qld Mouse for your congratulations. I submitted my essay at about 9am this morning anc felt quite afraid but happy to let it go. I really hope I get a good mark for it. And yes Neil, I had to work mighty hard to get that exchange placement, last year I got a perfect score, like the highest grade for everything. And i'm trying to do it again this semester. Some people say I'm a perfectionist and should let it go. But part of me enjoys learning and study and the challenge, and I know the visual arts is so competitive, so I want to have the best marks behind me for future opportunities.

And Qld Mouse - how you just discovered there are two pages to the post - well I just discovered the bold and italic keys about this text box! I always wondered how members did that!!!!! The keyboard shortcuts don't work.

I am feeling terrified by my exchange today. Having my head buried in studies I've kept it at bay but now it is suddenly a reality. I gave my notice at a team meeting for work last night, and have booked flights to sydney for my visa interview next week - you must attend in person. I just feel so overwhelmed like I wont cope. Luckily my psychologist had a free appointment so I'm seeing her after work tonight.

I'm going to San Jose State Uni in San Jose, about 30km from San Fransisco. I've wanted to go to the US for a good 5 years or so now. They are the centre of the art world or at least very important, esp New York (which I'll visit over the holidays in Jan) and I'm also fascinated by their culture - fast food, trailer parks, opulence and poverty. A good thing is that apparently the yanks (yes shant use that word over there!) love aussies, so thats a plus. Hopefully i don't get asked too many times about my pet kangaroo and koala.

hope4joy · ‎15-06-2016

my fried said I should share a few myths, like hoop snakes (they roll in a circle and bite their tail, then roll like a hoop to come at you! and drop bears).

I just noticed your profile pic Qld Mouse - very nice. I'm not sure if it is new?

And Qld Mouse you have spent some time in the US? Where abouts? Have you been in California or New York?

Have you been to the US Neil? And I think avoiding early morning kayaks is a sound plan! I grew up in Tassie so know very well about icy starts... I used to collect the ice of the puddles when waiting for the school bus as a child, and have red hands by the time I got on.

Well running out of words, and I'd better get moving for work. I have about 20 library books to return (no joke!) and some other things to do on the way. I guess I'm just so scared to leave my cat and home and psychologist and favourite lecturers/friends at uni and everything that is home. I have a history of moving - I did it every 6 or 12 months for about 10 years, so I think that history is making me feel so intensely about his. Plus I just keep wondering, will I cope? Am i nuts to do this? I hate the idea that mental illness will limit my life... but are there some boundaries sometimes?

Thanks for listening guys. Stay warm Neil and keep the jokes coming. I'm glad to hear things are ticking along well. Do you kayak much? Qld Mouse - do try to find that shrek cd! And how are you tracking?

Kind wishes,

Christina 🙂

white knight · ‎15-06-2016

Hi Christina

Just dropped by for an update. At the start if this thread you were pretty low.

Now you are past your semester and it appears clear Qld M and Neil have been keeping you on the happy side.

Great to see.

I was interested in your wonder of why you have low self esteem. I have a number of threads in positivity but....I still have low self esteem oddly enough.

Seems being positive works when lihic but not on emotions.

Anyway, glad you feel better.

Tony WK

QldMouse · ‎15-06-2016

Hi Christina,

I am so happy for you it has given my whole day a lift. You sound like an awesome lady and you should be dam proud of yourself for your accomplishments. It sounds like you are about to kick your life into happy high gear, well done. However it is going to take days to get Donkey singing "on the road again" out of my head ...

I commend you for being a perfectionist, that is a huge strength that will stay with you always and should be cherished. People who say "let it go" are asking you to slide down to their level. Keep your course, and your pride in what you accomplish. I have no doubt that you will do great.

Oh San Jose, that is great. It is a lovely historic town (hint: they are not suburbs, but usually called towns ... one of many quaint Americanisms you'll pick up). I lived the next town up in Santa Clara. The whole bay area will blow your mind, and your not far over the hills to the pacific and Santa Cruz etc, etc. Great choice. Your a few hours from the Sierra Nevada mountains and Yosemite, well worth the trip. Heck your in one of the best spots in the western US, you can't go wrong.

My time in the US was about the happiest in my life, I miss it a lot. Any yes, the yanks love Aussies. I always found yanks in their native environment are amoungst the friendliest, most welcoming people on the planet. There are always exceptions of course, but your average yank is pretty outgoing and friendly, and usually funny as hell.

Your friend is right, brush up on your Aussie pride. We have the best snakes, spiders, and jelly fish in the world!! They will take out all comers ... and don't forget the drop bears. Oh and yes, the Mouse is new. Just seemed to fit.

I remember the interview at the embassy, don't worry you will do fine. They are really friendly and helpful. And those big marines are just little boys with great toys. I done work with them, trust me to get posted to an embassy they are good blokes. The drunkest I think I have ever been in my life was on a marine base ... never mind, another life. Great toys!!

.../ cheeky double posting again!!