Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Yeah, she was talking about it but I forgot haha. When I had rant on the weekend i told him he talks about her so much. He said he'll stop lol.

Was thinking today that a woman wants to look after her man, not have another woman looking after him. Sharing his home, buying him things, mothering his kids, enjoying time/things he should be spending with his partner.

Cmf x

[Guest_1584]

Yeah for sure , exactly parts of what l was trying to get at earlier. All those kinds of things are such a natural progression between a couple , shame you two just haven't had the chance to be a real couple or for you to be that part of his life , both your lives.

Such a shame for us too , we have all that whenever she's down and it's really beautiful we fit like a clove, real life ,even with my daughter. rx.

[CMF]

Had a reading done tonight. So accurate. First thing she said was that I was stuck lt came up everywhere. M's sis keeps appearing as dominant & controlling. She picked up that I'm at my wits end & if things don't change I'm ready to walk away which is a shame cos we are so good otherwise. Said M is really aware now & will make an effort to improve things. She said he should come to my house more & we should cook & do things together at his so sis can see we are the couple as she is ignorant to the impact she is having by alwzys being around. She said I need to cement myself more, show sis I am the partner & she needs to give us space. There was more, funnily enough my M sent me a pic of a beach house they like. Not sure if they're serious about buying but he said it would be great for us to get away on weekends or school holidays and be alone. He is right, but it's Bandaid solution. She'll still be always in my face at his house ,& during the week they still live like a couple.That's the issue he's avoiding.

Cmf x

[Guest_1584]

Exactly what l've been saying. And when sis sees it to she finally starts to realize she's not no 1 and you two really are your own couple and your m's world. But l'm not saying it's all on you or anything it can't be. l think it's on m actually bc it's their place and it's his irritating sister that so far he's just allowed . But eh , yep he is getting his head around it for sure.

Hey , l wonder if this woman's married or gives out much relationship advice bc they usually aren't so that part always cracks me up. ps , beach house eh , you two are getting on my nerves, kidden. Lucky bugger.

rx

[CMF]

Hey rx ,

I thought about the beach house thing. It would be theirs but M says we could use it anytime. Go on weekends, be alone etc. I told him later it's a nice idea but doesn't really change the real issue. She'll still be living with him. I thought M was eventually going to give her money back, turns out no. She'll always own half the house. The woman did say in the reading that sis was done with her relationship before it ended & She'll put herself out there & meet someone soon cos she really wants to.

Fingers crossed lol.

Cmf x

[CMF]

rx,

Oh, in the reading she also asked if I had another man on the scene, was I talking to someone?. I'm certainly not but I wonder if she picked up on you?

Haha

Cmf x

[CMF]

I have anxiety & I'm so flat. I just cant get out of it. I feel everything's negative, things going wrong & I can't handle it. What if the situation with M is what's causing my vibration to be so low. What if it's the cause of me feeling like everything's a struggle? Maybe I'm on the wrong path. He said he's sleeping over tomorrow but we often do Friday night dinner at his. He didn't suggest it. Maybe cos sis is back today & he knows I'm sick of her being around us? He could come to mine. I'm guessing he won't.

I think I'm not on the right place at the moment. Too many band aid solutions not enough action.he doesn't understand anxiety, accepts the sis situation as ok, even normal. We're not only on different pages, we're in different books. Maybe this whole relationship situation is holding me back?

I just don't think I can do this anymore.

[CMF]

I'm stuck. It's all I can think & say. I see myself with him & j see myself stuck in one spot with her towering over us. I don't feel strong. When I think of myself without him I feel I can breathe again. I feel strong, moving forward. I picture them together & me on my own, suffocating.

I feel I need to be free of them. Of her hold on him. I can't do it anymore. Everytime I feel stuck he comes into my mind with her over us. I don't wanna feel this way. He does nothing for my anxiety. I don't feel better with. I need space room to breathe. He'll be sad but he has her. It won't matter. I just feel I need to tell him & a weight will be lifted. I felt the same with ex. The minute I decided 'no more I felt free. I became so strong, achieved goals. I don't feel like that now. Not anymore. I'm sad. So sad.

[Guest_1584]

Haa cm , that's funny. But l'm sorry your feeling all this stuff , God knows l know the feeling just a different story that's all.

Yaknow , admittedly first thing l did think about the beach house was well why not pass on the beach house a bloody buy sis out instead. But eh , maybe she's right and sis nails someone , she seems to be able to get what she wants. It'd be a great solution we need her all married off and out into her own life haha. PS , l know l don't go into too much detail there are things, but l just well for one feel like l shouldn't say too much bc mines a mess anyway so who am l to know , but also that you've been so down about things so l'd rather just skim and not dwell too much.

But it's no wonder your feeling these ways, these things are heaven when they're good but that damn stressful in complications l know. l dunno with mine l hate making myself like this but l've tried to purposely use our being apart to stay as detached as possible this last 12mths bc or her could go either way situation. See how you feel over the next few wks. lt's very understandable though bc without some serious nudging and efforts from him and some big changes to the whole situation , you can't be expected to just over come it all bc it's his whole situation it's not yours.

Big huggems

[CMF]

My daughter has Oracle cards. I had to do, they were calling me. I asked how I get out of this situation of being stuck. The card I got said I need to pull away from people or situations that that do not empower or support me.

Do I need anymore signs?