Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Yeah rx,

You're the other man lol.

Also in the reading she said this is all I can think about. It's on my mind all day, every day. She's right again. She saw I'm ready to walk away. I have a time limit.

God I'm struggling.

[CMF]

He just called. His boys are out, he's home with sis. Told him he could have come here to watch tennis. He said he could have but going to bed early, very tired. He did sound tired. Good opportunity to have a chat to sis, just the 2 of them. Told him had a crap day at work. Told him I have anxiety, can't breathe. Told him the reading said all I think about is us & this situation. All he could say is year's terrible & that I need a new job. I wanted to tell him it's not just the job I need to leave 😓

[Guest_1584]

Ahh cm cm , hate you feeling like this , and you know too much negativity creeping in it just messes us up more , but it's bloody hard , l know.

l did my cards last night , first time in awhile . l think they're talking through you know where bc they keep telling me the same thing. Which is very nice actually , but l ain't seeing much of it so l wish it would hurry up and show up.They're basically saying good luck and happiness and love - the whole gift , but there's not much of that right now so ldk , maybe they've been skipping a beat.Still they can be talking 6mths ahead, and it's persistent too soooo, l'ma just waiting quietly haha.

But there's a lot of things telling you and most importantly your feeling it within and that's usually right , maybe if you could just take a bit of a break from things, just a wk or so. lt might actually turn on some light bulbs for m too. l dunno , l hate that stuff but that's what l've been trying to do with my situation right now. l just need to clear first of all and find that light.

Big hugs

[CMF]

Well he agreed he could have come over tonight to watch tennis but told me he wanted an early night as very tired. Said he'd see me tomorrow. I went to bed around 10pm as i was feeling crap & didnt message him goodnight as I thought he'd already be on bed. I told myself if he messaged me late yo say goodnight I'd tell him not to bother coming over tomorrow. He messaged me at 11.20pm to say goodnight.

Guess a night at home with sissy was more appealing than seeing me, especially knowing I had a crap day & how I've been feeling & the discussions we've had.

Great for my anxiety .

[CMF]

Do I give him the benefit of the doubt? It's the 3 year anniversary of his Dad passing. Maybe he had guests, maybe he was talking to sis about our situation? All I know is he called me around 7.30pm ,& said he could have come over but was having an early night. He sounded exhausted but it wasn't convincing. Maybe he fell asleep on the couch? Maybe he wanted to talk to sis about it all...but till 11.30pm? 4 hours? I can't sleep now, I feel sick. He says ignorance is bliss but when I ignore it all it is still there.

Maybe I'll wait & see what he has to say.

[Guest_1584]

Well he sounded exhausted so l'd just let it go.

He might say something tomorrow .

Nightie night.

rx

[CMF]

I told myself this year I wouldn't lie back & be walked all over. I want to speak up more for things I believe. It has been suggested here, and elsewhere, that as I am the one with the issue with sis, I should be the one to raise it with her. I've written a 'letter' to his sis gently explaining how I'm feeling. I want to ask M tonight if he'd thought of any solutions. Ask if he'd be comfortable speaking to her about it. I think his answer will be 'not so I'd like to show him what I wrote, making it clear to her that I promised M & myself I'd always be open & honest, not like past relationships where I couldn't. I think he'll stress if he knows I want to raise this with her myself. I think he knows ows she'll overreact & become defensive. It was also suggested to me on another thread that if I can agree to take responsibility for my emotions, he can agree to take responsibility for us having some space when I'm there..

Wish me luck x

[quirkywords]

CMF

I can wash you luck but I do think You Ned it.

I have noticed how you have changed over the years and how you are prepared to be assertive. You have a plan are prepared to deal with any consequences.

Well done.

[quirkywords]

Oops I wish you luck. not sure washing luck would help.

[Guest_1584]

Wish you luck , it surprises me that people suggested that though but anyway , good luck with whatever you decided.

ironically l was watching this movie last night , French , where a brother 60s was still living with his sister and for an hr or so in l thought she was his wife. Turns out though there was another one in the house that was actually his wife and they'd been living all together 40yrs , kids and all too , plus someones brother.

Funny movie but yeah , there ya go . Some people are just quite comfortable in whatever set up l suppose. Couldn't think of anything worse myself.

rx