Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

He did say it was about his son bit the show but his son is 17, I'm sure he would have understood. When I'm there they constantly interrupt, he doesn't tell them he s busy. Onw5night he came over for a bit then rushed off cos son was waiting to watch a movie. Told him if he had plans he shouldn't have come over cos I think I'm more than a booty call. I feel that's all he n weds, a booty call and someone to go to a winery with for a Sunday drive. On Sunday's he s always checking his phone to see where people are cycling and how many kms etc. Not a huge else as l but really, can't give me a few hours if undivided attention? I feel I just get squeezed in between everything. Didn't get a good night or Goodmorning text after telling him he can stay home and watch his show all day. He once told me there is nothing the boys need from their mum, they have everything they need with him, his mum and sis (and apparently me). I feel the same. There is nothing he needs from me, nothing I can give him cos he has it all, support, help, company. Only thing he doesn't have is intimacy but that's difficult stm5t the moment with lockdown and everyone home atm.
Maybe we're not meant to be together after all. Maybe the universe was wrong?

[smallwolf]

I have been reading and thinking about the last posts and keep in mind I could be totally wrong ...

the way a parent interacts with a child might be a reaction against against their own upbringing or the same. My brother is a like dad, and I was/am the opposite. So spending time with his son could is something he felt he did not get or the same. That said, I have no idea whether his son has own life as well. Or if so busy that tv time is a their time together. That does not mean he should be taking you for granted either.

And because of the event at this time, it seems he has what he needs because he has a "family" around him. With Covid, I know some tasks take longer than used to - like teaching. As much as we cannot change the lock-down I wonder how things might be different if it did not happen? I am certain you would be spending more time with M? On the other hand, this time can also show what people are like in different situations. And perhaps some areas which could do with adjustment (... just thinking out loud).

Sometimes after a session with my psychologist, I get homework that requires me to speak to my wife about something. I always do this, and also filled with dread beforehand as I am unsure of what reaction I will get, how what I would say would effect her. Then, mid conversation I can relax a bit. (I said to my psych* that I felt we were like passing ships in the night.... so wife and I had to chat about finding time for ourselves. We are working on that. For these conversations, finding the right time is also helpful. My trick here it to tell my wife "we need to have a chat".

[CMF]

No response from him is a response.

My anxiety is here. Feel like texting him to tell him I feel he doesn't really have time for us and I don't want to add pressure to his life. He can be free if he wants.

[CMF]

Feeling better. Had a good chat, we understand more about each other. We both upset each other cos of things we didn't realise. Kids went back to school today, it was a weight off my shoulders.

We will be ok.

Cmf x

[blondguy]

Hi CMF

im sorry that I have been somewhat invisible on your thread...You posted on another thread recently about how you are feeling with this crap virus. I hear you loud and clear CMF

Im currently in stage 4 and its really hard work. Just saying a huge 'thankyou' for being a part of the Beyond Blue family for as long as you have 🙂

you are amazing CMF

Paul

[CMF]

Oooohhhh Paul,

Thank you. No need to apologise for being invisible on MY thread cos I see how busy you are on other threads, encouraging and welcoming people. You do an amazing job.

I'm on stage 4 too. So glad my girls went back to school today and we so excited about it. My little miss has grown up sooooo much last Few months. I felt my head clear today, I could breathe, felt some freedom even though I was working from home. Tomorrow will actually feel like my "day off" even though I'll probably do work, but I don't mind.

How are you Paul? I have missed out chats but you are a legend on the forums.

Cmf x

[blondguy]

you just made my day with you super kind post x

I am rapt you felt some clarity today....that is excellent! Thankyou for asking how I am Cmf. Really tired actually and dont have the 'horsepower' I used to

I am happy that your girls are going back to school and your little miss growing up soooo much! Are you still working in the same role now?

Paul

[smallwolf]

I might let you chat with Paul for a bit?

Wondering why tomorrow will feel like your day off?

In the conversation you had with M .... were you able to clear the air of any misunderstandings that he and you might have had. I have probably told you that when wife (nearly typed her name!) and I have similar chats it can be both painful and helpful at the same time. For me, the irrational thoughts that get in the way and telling her (painful bit) and then working out some way forward (helpful bit) and getting that off my chest.

Also remember these conversations can also deepen the relationship, and you are also giving more of yourself to the other person.

[CMF]

Goodmorning my friends,

Paul, yes I am in the same role. Woking from home atm so very lucky.

Tim, I usually have Tue & Wed off work. With remote learning and all the kids home all the time it hasn't felt like a day off. Plus, i end up logging onto work and working a little. Today I took the girls to school, cleaned up at home and took a longer walk even though it is drizzling. The house is quiet. M & I did clear up misunderstandings. He couldn't work out why i suddenly 'attacked' him. Didn't know how i was feeling as I always sound happy when we talk in the evenings and I'm usually independent. He felt i was putting responsibility on him for my happiness. I didn't realise my venting felt like and attack to him (ex wife trigger). He acknowledged that for me to be able to express how I was feeling, not attack, is a big thing as in previous relationship I never did and hence felt unhappy, unwanted, unworthy. He admitted that he can be insensitive, not intentionally, he just doesn't think about things alot whereas i overthink, over analyse and think about everyone else, one of the qualities he loves about me, my thoughtfulness.He didn't realise telling me about all the shows they watch and dinner at their mums made me feel a little lonely cos I don;t have that. I pointed out that even in lockdown, his life hasn't changed too much. Apart from working from home, he still has family to spend time with, he can still cycle withing the limits. I cannot do any of the things i enjoy, cannot walk around a shopping centre on my days off, cannot sit in a cafe for a coffee with friends. I cannot do the things that i enjoyed doing, he can. He understood and agreed he is very blessed and fortunate. Last week he made a decision to quit teaching after next year. Huge decision as he is not a risk taker. Even though he feels a weight as been lifted it is still a little scary for him, no doubt this would have been on his mind which i didn't consider. I was the first person he told as he remembered in the past having good news and telling his sis first and her telling me before he could. She 'intruded' in our relationship, he knows i don't like that. Remined him i want to be his 'person', if he has a bad day or a concern that i want to be the one he turns to first. He rarely has a bad day but when he does his sis is the one who is there cos they live together so i feel there is no need for me. He doesn't see that as a factor, i guess cos he rarely needs to vent where as i do.

[CMF]

I suggested to M that when restrictions are lifted a little maybe we can have regular fish and chips Friday night. They always have fish and chips Friday night so i think we can get together with the kids and make a night of it. Something to look forward to end of the week. His house, or mine or in a park as long as we are spending it all together as a family - him, me and our kids. He was agreeable but I did feel he was thinking something. I would not expect him to pay for it each week, we'd share it. I don't know where it would leave his sis. She joins in at their house of course but i mean us and the kids. I don't want to feel I have to invite her to mine as she is 40 and has her own life. I did make a point of us and the kids, I want to grow with him , not with him and his sis. Will be interesting. M does not use social media, I have FB mainly to keep up with my family. I've never had the app on my phone however when i bought a new phone last year it was automatically downloaded when i set the phone up so i left it. Being in lockdown i found my self checking FB more and more. I didn't want to but i did cos it was there. One of my best friends likes to post her daughter skating, singing her and her husband dancing in the backyard, the family having fun. I realised this was deflating me. Watching her and her hubby/kids mucking around together mad me feel crap, maybe jealous. She's having fun with her family, I know M is having fun with his sis and I feel alone. If i were to invite my friend over for a cuppa it would be a different story, She would tell me how hard remote learning as been, that her yr 12 daughter had not studied for exams, that someone has been ill etc. There is ALWAYS someone ill or injured or something going on with her, yet if you only saw FB you'd think her life was perfect. So Sunday morning I deleted the app and I have had no desire to regularly check FB. I looked at it for a few minutes last night but that was it. It was consuming me a little so got rid of it and it's been great. I don't post pics of m and I every time we go out for lunch or do something, that is our personal time does not need to be shared with everyone. His sis does. she posts all their birthdays making a point of al the food she prepared and putting her self in the photos as the best aunty etc. M is not into that, probably doesn't know she does it but i don't do it. Don't have a need to show everyone how great I am. He can't understand why people do.