Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

So we had our first fish and chips night on Friday in the park. I was wondering in M's sis would tag along but she didn't, I was relieved. Today M and I went for a drive to get lunch as we can now go 25km. He told me his sis' new man of 5 weeks slept at their place last night. I was a little shocked. I haven't been to his place for months cos restrictions state that you can only visit if your partner lives alone. He does come to mine but there are less people at mine. Anyway, she decided to have her new man over to watch the grand final and he slept there. M said they have been meeting in parks and she has been to his place but not stayed the night. I asked M how he felt knowing his sis was upstairs sleeping with a guy he hardly knows. He admitted it was weird but he was trying not to think about it. I guess he can't tall her what to do but i did feel for him as she now owns half his house so nothing he can do about it. Apparently he is a really nice guy. I guess the positive is that maybe, once restrictions are lifted,she will be out with him more and not hanging around with us. Maybe she will stay at his more too. I wonder how he felt sleeping over with her brother and nephews there? I would find it weird if i'd only know the person 5 weeks and never met the family. Poor M, met the guy for the first time (or so I believe) and here he is sleeping under over. Oh well, when i go there now hopefully i will feel like part of a couple and not a third wheel? I have never spent a night there. Main reason is cos i have little miss but I would also feel uncomfortable with his sis and boys there, not that they would care. I guess if i actually had the opportunity to I may feel differently.

[Guest_1584]

Hiya cm.

l could well appreciate your feelings about the situation at m's and crikey that didn't take her long did it straight out of a 1oyr thing and all. But yeah like you l wouldn't be good staying over with all that going on either it would for me absolutely kill off any intimacy l was feeling . Matter of fact l absolutely value and need our own space and luckily for me l'm on my own mostly these days as my d is mostly living with her bf. so when my partners down again from her city , like right now for the last few mths , we have the place to ourselves mostly ahhhh, the benifits of our kids growing up eh. Feel really guilty saying that and the place is still here she still comes home or visits and of course can move home if she wants anytime butttttt, meantime l gotta admit some us time is bloody nice .

But eh , upside for you they might even work out and next minute he's moving her over to his place eh , well we can dream right,

rx

[CMF]

Hi rx,

Cup Day will be interesting. We can now have 1 family visit in our home, once a day and then no other visitors for both parties for that day. If she decides to have her bf go over cos it fun there, that means that i cant go over. M won't care if we are both there but i do. Knowing her, I'm sure she would want m and his boys there and her bf. Going to be interesting times, and she does rule the roost.

I'll have to ask if he has any plans that day.

cmf x

[quirkywords]

CMF

it is so different now with restrictions changed for you. I know Melbourne cup is a big day for you in Victoria, I suppose celebrating anything is hard.

i read about Ms sisters new boyfriend and it is quick but I suppose at 40 you know what you want. I think this year many people would find it hard to find space on their own or have two much space.

Do you find most if your friends are coping with the changes Or are people cautious that they will change again.

[CMF]

Hi Quirky,

I only have a couple of close friends, one I've been walking with on Tuesdays. I think we're all ok. I've been to a shopping centre and sat in My local cafe at last today.

We had fish n chips again but at M's tonight. His sis was going to her bf's for dinner which was nice. M got a new phone, she bought him air pods thru her business. Don't know why but it peeved me off. The little container you charge/store them on had his name on it. I guess I want to be the one to give him gifts he loves
He was thrilled when he saw it was personalised. I compete with that. Everything she does he loves. The fitness/body building, the fancy new car, the personalised air pods. I feel like useless crap.
Don't think I want to do the Friday night fish n chips anymore. He s really tired feels like a chore. I don't know where the personalised gifts are that I have him. Guess they're not as good as personalised air pods.

[CMF]

So I raised the subject of Friday night fish n chips and told M if he is too tired, we don't have to do it every week. He agreed he is exhausted by Friday but is happy to do it, after all we still need to eat. I bought him the cover he wanted for his new phone. He loved it, keeps going on about it hahaha. I'm wondering if it's to make me feel good after his sis bought the air pods lol. Today was Melbourne Cup day. We went there for the arvo, little miss had a swim and we met M's sis new boyfriend. Really lovely guy, shows her lots a affection, unlike the ex, which is nice. I think he was sleeping there again tonight. I wonder if it's going to be him sleeping there all the time cos I think he shares a house with other guys. The good thing is he goes there to be with her, not to drink with M like the ex. He s cooked dinner for her and shows affection which is what she deserves. The 4 of us sat and talked, was enjoyable. It will be interesting to see how it evolves. How he feels, over time, about her living with her brother and his kids. If she will stay home at h i s place or is she too comfy at home? I noticed when she mentioned her body building comp she s said If she didn't do the comp she may do a photo shoot. I thought I heard him say oh no, come on. Maybe he meant no, she should do the comp? Maybe he doesn't like the idea of her wanting to parade her body? Anyway time will tell. They've known photo each other about 6 or 7 weeks and she has a strong personality. The ex didn't show much interest in what she did so she did what she wanted. This one may be different.

Cmf x

[CMF]

I'm getting myself worked up again. Went to M's for a coffee this arvo. His sis bf was there. He is really lovely. M's sis bought her fancy car but it has been back 6 times as engine light keeps coming on. They give her a courtesy car, this time it's a sports model of M's favourite car. So we have a coffee and I'm then told I get to go for a drive in the fancy car as he has to get something for his son. I thought of just coming home. We get in the fancy car with little miss and M asks her what she thinks of the sun roof. I point out my car has a sunroof, it's nothing new to little miss. The fancy car is red like mine. So, I've gone there for a coffee and end up having to go for a quick drive, in a car I don't give 2 hours about. Once again, I feel I have nothing exciting to offer him. I'm guessing the bf will sleep there so I've asked M to pick me up tomorrow. I don't want to be there with them. They're all over each other and M seems more interested in the car. When we got back I said goodbye and came home. No one battered an eyelid but her bf was surprised I was leaving already. Yep, watching M get so excited about her car will do that.

[quirkywords]

Cmf

some men and cars. It seems the more things change the more they stay the same for you.

I like how you have insights into your behaviour and into others.

[CMF]

Thanks Quirky,

I really not into expensive cars and the latest iPhone. Sometimes when M sends me a photo it doesn't go thru and he says I need to move across to iPhone. Why should I can be to be like them? Makes me more determined to be different. At times I feel like I just get dragged around with them. I'm pretty easy going but some things are too much, like today. I felt rude if I didn't go for the quick drive, but I was told I was going, not asked
Maybe I should have stayed and hung around her and her bf like she does with M and I?

[Tess2]

Dear CMF,

yes men and cars, well some men. You have insight, but I think you need to stop focussing so much of your thinking on M’s sister and what she does or doesn’t do. Don’t give her so much of your head space if you can help it.

Are you really prepared to put up with this as a relationship for how many more years? Before you both move on into your own life together. I could not do that

think carefully about what you want and need in life

tess