Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Went to M's for dinner. Thank God wifey wasn't home. I asked how the movie was & he spoke as if all was normal. I was seething. Told him I didn't really like the way he went about it. Pointed out that his son wanted all of us to go & M said he wouldn't go without me. He said he meant not without me on Saturday as it's my bday weekend. I pointed out that it was clearly about THEM going & I was asked out of obligation. He didn't like that (truth hurts). Told him if that wasn't the case then they would have considered my availability but no one asked & they just went without me. He said he assumed I wouldn't like it even though a week ago I told him I'd see it. He said that night is too hard for me (agree) but if they cared about me going we could have gone on a Sunday arvo, but it was never about all of us going. He didn't like me saying it was about THEM & I told him if that was the case he & I could have gone to see it. Wasn't much he could say really. He knows I was only asked cos it was originally Saturday night & the fact they just went when it suited them proves it.

[Guest_1584]

Ahhh cm , as we know he does like to front things full on right , not.

Sounds like mr m thought he did a great job slimming his way through that mind field but thennnnn, sorrrry , cm was watching. l'm afraid l don;t have much to say sorry. l dunno , all this time and it's still m just dancing around in and out of everything. Gotta wonder though , what he must think of the two different life likes and ways with you two he seems to spend so much time juggling and rug sweeping and watching what he lets out.

[CMF]

Yeah. Sounds sad.

Then again, he probably doesn't think anything. In his eyes everything is normal & ok till I mention it. Wifey living there is normal, her controlling them is normal, them doing things but adding me out of obligation is normal etc. If he wasn't juggling so much he wouldn't drop so many balls. Will be really interesting to see what he's like when wifey isn't there to control them. He loves it. He loves that she pulls his kids into line, he loves that he makes decisions for him. He loves her expensive car & body building. He also says he loves how down to earth & honest I am.

Chalk & cheese...but he loves both.

We know he's a people pleaser. Unfortunately he's not a great communicator or the movie thing wouldn't have blown up. He should have just told me they want to go together & asked if I'm interested. If yes, let's find a suitable time, if no, they go whenever. It all got complicated when it was planned for Saturday night cos he didn't want to leave me out on my bday weekend. He included me, then left me out. He didn't know how to handle it & somehow I'm the one causing the issue. He assumed i wouldn't like the movie. Still tells me i wouldn't like it. Still missing the whole point of what he did. I could never ask/include him in plans then just go without him if the time didnt suit. If it wasn't for my bday, he probably wouldn't have cared & would've chosen them.

He should just live with wifey & take a lover. It obviously suits him then he wouldn't have to worry about accomodating anyone when doing whilst keeping wifey happy.

Yay, happy birthday. I'd rather just skip it.

[CMF]

I also told him I wanted to have dinner with him & my kids Saturday for my bday, not leave my older daughter looking after little miss. He agreed. He even pre empted that my older daughter would be going out so i couldn't come to the movie. He looked for excuses that weren't there for me not to go. He was also looking for a reason to say no to his family without simply telling them he wanted to spend Saturday with me instead. He couldn't just tell them no, had to dance around & find a way around it.

Basically, they had plans in place to go together all along. The plans didn't include me & it all blew up in his face cos he couldn't be straight up with everyone. In the end, only one he upset was me. The truth is it was about THEM going, not all of us going.

I don't know how he's not exhausted. I am.

[CMF]

I had alot of big things happen at work this week. M said all these big things & recognition have worn me out, made me exhausted. I told him I'm exhausted cos I didn't sleep.

Yeah, not getting away with it that easily.

[CMF]

M & i watching a movie, sis at her bf's but texting M cos her bf was sharpening M's knives. She had to send video of it. Found out the son who was organising the movie didn't go. It was M, other son, sis & her bf. Whilst out M bought my bday gift. Beautiful earrings & jewellery box. Earrings are intertwined, he said like we are. The card he wrote was so thoughtful & beautiful. Made me cry. We had a lovely lunch. There is no doubt how much he loves me. Affectionate, thoughtful, generous. I just wish sis wasn't in our faces so much pulling strings. I know he's amazing. Why do I have negative thoughts? Why?

[quirkywords]

CMF

i see you as positive on the positive Aussies of M while being aware of when sis sometimes frustrates you with her interference.

[Guest_1584]

Thereee, all fixed, happy birthday hugs.

[CMF]

Yeah. As always lol.

Admin staff at work were given gift cards to thank us for all our hard-working last couple of months. So far I have bought a new bed & smart tv. It's caused anxiety. My old TV was 40inches, new one 55inches. I'm not into all this stuff but little miss & M like movie & thought it would be better to have a smart tv than plugging in a laptop every time. I feel uncomfortable. I really like simple things. I'm not like his sis who wanted a BIG TV so went & got one. I'm nothing like that. M thought it was funny that I'm uncomfortable with it lol. The TV's on but I've hardly watched it, been doing other stuff. Public holiday today too & my d said something that triggered me. So you see, change gives me anxiety. Holidays, big purchases, change of routine. How on earth will I be able to live with M eventually? I like my simple life, don't need big tvs & gadgets like sis. I wonder how he'd find living with me? He says he loves my down to earth personality but he also likes his little luxuries. He was saying today I need Foxtel. Well I don't.

Interesting times.

[Guest_1584]

That was quite a bonus , your mob must be making too much money eh. Smart tv hey yeah , l only wanted something a bit bigger, not some so called smarts l knew nothing about those or cared. My daughter said l got a great buy it does so much - l wouldn't know, l only need it to turn so l can watch tv or movies.

Funny how you two are so opposite , m being m l don't think it'll bother him but it might you. We were just talking about all that stuff and thankfully we both feel exactly the same about all this tech and the materialist want want must have mentality of most people these days, and the world. l hate it so does she,,, and the effect it's having on the world. We belong in a simpler time.