Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[Guest_1584]

l know your just feeling like absolute crap as well, so the things that would normally grate at us anyway, grate even worse , but at the same time those grates are still very legit nonetheless and it must be hard to watch for sure.

Weird how some people are just totally comfortable having mums and sis's still fussing around over them and in their face at that age isn't it. l couldn't personally. l have a sis here 30mins away , that's nothing for this area the rest are 4hrs away so it's like she's next door. She's actually offered her support and if l opened the door she'd be here in a flash. She basically has a good heart that one but l haven't been around her in 20yrs, she use to be 4hrs away too. l could actually really really use some help and support right now especially with daughter things , a tiny bit like m and his kids, sis, l suppose. But l just can't open that door and have her that much in my life. The few times people have been around or offered in those ways, for me it's like l have to choose. Bc 1 l don't like being helped from outsiders and 2 l don't like opening that door bc it might not close and l like my space, l'm also a bit weird about them being too close and in my life again,l'm very private.

Weird how you have other people like m for example, that are just 120% comfortable with their people just in their face and life and doing all this stuff for them , isn't it. l've never had much help or excepted any the few times it has been there , it was always just me and gf , or me and ex w tackling our private world together , or me totally alone like now. But it's still hard for me to open that door. M on the other hand, just laps it up. l suppose there's nothing wrong with that except that your more like me and m is more like m.

Big hug.

[Guest_1584]

How are you feeling physically btw , do you have many symptoms?

[CMF]

Thx rx,

I love how you understand. I must clarify, he is capable of being I dependant & his mum is so NON INTRUSIVE but he has these people to do stuff.

Yeah, you & me same same 🙂

I'm ok, still tired & headaches but no body aches anymore. Been doing stuff around the house.

Sis tested positive today.

Hope you're OK. I know you're done with your situation. I hear you my friend.

Big iso hugs

Cmf x

[quirkywords]

CMF

hope you were able to get some shopping delivered. There is little on our shelves inn my town anyway.
Most here are waiting to get it.
it us funny how life has changed so much .

I appreciate your honesty in telling me how you feel and your symptoms.

[CMF]

Feel like I'm checking out again. We are out of ISO tomorrow, M & I on annual leave but now sis is positive so I still can't go to his house. He has a new toy, so I wonder if he will even want to do anything together next week?

What a waste

[quirkywords]

CMF

what had you and M planned to do for your leave before covid.?

I am sure if you are both well he will want to do things together next week.

Maybe you are feeling a bit run down. I hope you and M have special time together.

[CMF]

Hi Quirky,

Well he mentioned day trip to the beach seeing as we didn't plan to go away (thank goodness). Also it's been ahot week so we were going to go over for swims.

We'll see. He'll be busy I'm sure. I am still tired & rundown. Been stuck on a hothouse with a bored 8yo for a week. He wouldn't understand that. Oblivious as Never had to do it.

This is my struggle. We are so different. Both in iso This week. I'm struggling with the heat, he has a pool. I'm watching TV alone at night, he has sis. I had trouble getting food, he had his mum to shop for them. I'm bored,he buys a new toy.

Don't know how long I can keep going with all these differences.

[CMF]

It's ok for the one who has it all. But hard for someone struggling.

I don't know if being good, honest people is enough.

Maybe you do need things in common to be truly happy?
I don't know?

[CMF]

You are right Quirky,

I am rundown & tired as I've not had much appetite this week. It's not M"s fault he has a caring family & a pool both of which he shares with me &wants me to be a part of. He bought the new toy but probably with money he wod have spent for us all to go away, which we didn't do. We always go out for beautiful lunches on Sundays. We spoke tonight, he said I could bring little miss for a swim tomorrow,we can stay outside & not mix with his sis. I'd rather not risk it unnecessarily. Sunday we are going for a drive to where we would have gone away and next week he wants to take Little Miss to the beach as weather warms up again. He said he'll see me tomorrow arvo. I hadn't asked him to dinner/sleepover so I like that he was just planning to come over anyway.

I hate that my moods make me think negatively of a man who loves me, spoils me & wants me to be a part of his world. Why do I find it hard to just accept the good?

So grateful I can speak openly here, no judgement. It allows me to process my thoughts & feelings. Poor M. Lucky he doesn't hear every little thing I overthink 😔

[Guest_1584]

Haaa , love it , all fixed , there ya go .

Sorry things have been so crapola . Know all about it but eh , it might even be good you'll get a sis break.

Have a good one.

rx