Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Thanks Quirky,

Went to M's tonight. Sis told me she had a reading done was told her & bf not done despite Sis saying she is done. He just needs space. I had to point out if her bf does have depression he can't help the way he's behaving but doesn't make it ok. M told her she should talk to me & he went outside to watch little miss in the pool. We started talking. Bf would like to live interstate near thebeach. She'sprepared to move down ge coast as He has friends there. She is prepared to move there and work a few days here, few days there. She also said her tenants have a 6 month tenancy & they could move into her place as he's struggling on his own. There was alot more and she's hoping they'll talk face to face soon & nut things our rather than texting. Wow, it's the first I've heard of them actually living together & she's prepared to move down the coast for him. She did say she wouldn't want to live next door to his friends. Too close for comfort...haha. hello.....

Anyway, alot of info in 1 night but interesting. I do enjoy 1 on 1 chats with her. I'm annoyed at myself for the negative feelings I get but M doesn't tell me anything unless I bring it up, then it's wishy washy probably cos he doesn't know himself.

Guess we'll see.

Cmf x

[Guest_1584]

Well there ya go , that's pretty big hey and all might not be lost yet.

So why is she acting like such an idiot especially in the state he's in if she still hopes to work it out , talk about sabotage. l know you don't have that answer such is the sis l know. Anywayyyyy, if they did get back and that went ahead- your problems would be solved , eeehh haaa for cm.

rx

[CMF]

Hey rx,

In her eyes it's over, however the clairvoyant told her it isn't & she needs to give him time. I know it's all hurt her. I have to laugh cos it looked Ike M did a runner when I said " you know what I think...this is just my opinion". He looked uncomfortable as he went outside to watch little miss but he did tell sis she should talk to me but he knows my feelings on the way sis posted on social media knowing he'd see. He's having a bit of a breakdown, she wants to help, he won't let her.

It seems my reading was accurate saying he'll push to live together (hes pushing to live intersate) & he's not being himself , his true colours will come out ( she is questioning who he is now as this was sudden).

Fun times ahead.

[CMF]

As I've always said, I don't know what it's like to go to his place and really see him on his own, just him & his kids. I wonder, if she moves out, if she'll still have so much pull over him? How will that reliance he has change?

Need to focus & manifest what I want, not what I don't want this year.

Cmf x

[Guest_1584]

Well it's funny . We know how much m just loves a deep soulful talk haha , but really it was a good idea tbh anyway, leaving you to chat with her. She could use your input and a womanly chat , might even help your relationship with her a little.

But eh , on the other hand to l don't blame him l wouldn't wanna be mixed up in her love life either . Yeah it's suc a shame you two never get that such a normal thing with just you two. They'll always be close but if she did move down the coast it'd still be huge for you two.

rx

[CMF]

So I'm always wishing it was just M, myself & the kids. Well today M, myself & his son tested positive for Covid. Sis hasn't tested positive...yet.

I have to chuckle as M said "at least we got it together "

Cmf 😄

[Guest_1584]

Really , after all this . Hoping you guys all sale through then as many do.

Would you believe gf's son, his wife, their new baby and their 3yrs old all got it and have just gotten through it this last wk. Thankfully they really didn't have anything much not even the baby, just a very mild cold type thing.

Good luck

rx

[CMF]

Thanks rx,

I feel so crap. Headache, aches, hot/cold.. my skin is so sensitive. Feel like I've been hit by a bus. Not hungry/hungry, wanna throw up.

It's not pleasant that's for sure.

[CMF]

Incoming rant...

So we have Covid,probably why I'm so grumpy & hating the world lol. Sis doesn't have it & they're not keeping apart cos she noticed his breath was really bad. I was tempted to ask if she knew cos they'd been kissing.

I've told M several times how hard it is to get food delivered from supermarket, not to mention the delivery fee. No reaction/care/concern but tells me his mum did shopping for them. Thanks for asking if we are OK.

He tells me he might HAVE TO buy a virtual bike trainer. You hook up your bike & can ride 'anywhere in the world' with others. As we're in isolation he can't cycle. They are a few $1,000. Well it got delivered today. $1 000's just like that while I'm trying not to get ripped off for food delivery & am overwhelmed with expenses. He reminds me of a spoilt kid. Gotta have it. Gets it. Maybe he saved for it but it sounded spur of the moment. As soon as we had to isolate he said he had to get one. Can't miss out on anything. No not him.

He gave me his foxtel log in to watch some "good shows'. I won't watch what he suggests cos I never like what he likes. We have completely different taste. Also, these are shows he watches/watched with sis. So he's enjoyed watching them with wifey (hence why I don't get a call at night but when I called he sounded like I was bothering him) but I'm left to watch alone. No thanks. Not interested in being your sloppy 2nd.

Been cooped up too long. Getting very agro & frustrated.

[CMF]

He & sis can now train on their bikes together. They can sweat together& she can smell his breath.Yippee.

I guess I'm feeling very separated from him. We are so different when apart. Regardless of circumstances nothing changes for him. Can't cycle? Buy a new toy. Can't leave the house for food? Get mum to do it. BTW when he tested positive I took them a pot of minestrone I'd made. Need help with kids/house? Sis will help. Never struggled, never had to work things out for himself. Always someone to jump in & do it for him.It's not his fault. He's just lucky but we're so different. He's also very generous with me but I can't help seeing this spoilt kid in him. He didn't grow up spoilt at all, they had nothing when he was a kid. I go out & shop too...from Kmart whereas his treats are 100's or $1000 & I'm seeing more & more of it. I know he works & can do what he wants with his money but I watch my pennies, he throws them away.

we are so different & I'm getting anxiety.