Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[Moonstruck]

CMF...I posted something to you on my thread you might like to have a look at...re the "sister" situation...😁

[CMF]

Thanks Moon,

yeah, maybe I am stronger or more patient than I realise.

The room looks great, she hasn't commented to me at all about it.

I have bad anxiety today.

Have a dental appt Thursday and a medical one Friday. I think that's why. Plus the stuff going on with the kids and M's son. He is causing anxiety for all of us. I hate seeing the kids like that6. They should be happy, not anxious cos of him.

[quirkywords]

CMF

I can see your strength in yourself and your values come through your writing.

I know at times we cant see it in ourselves but need to trust those who see it.

How is tour anxiety level to day.

[CMF]

Thank you dear Quirky,

I'm happy with honest opinions, always 🙂

Had my dental appt. Anxiety has eased. Hospital appt tomorrow. Back in the office Monday. Little miss has her hospital appt Wednesday.

I'll get there x

[CMF]

I'm having Fiday night dinner at mine again. I'm not going to M's anymore if I can avoid it cos of sis. Daughter's bf won't come for dinner cos M and his son here, the good son. M has been like a dad to the bf but he s uncomfortable cos of the conflict with the other son (whom I may speak to). Daughter says she'd live with her Dad if M and I lived together cos of the son's. M will always put his kids first, so will I. M says little miss should start sleeping at her dad's soon so we can have weekends away, sleepovers. I mentioned it to her, she got upset. It seems it's ok for my kids to go elsewhere but nothing changes for him.

Wow, great future ahead haha.

[CMF]

Dinner was nice but guess who had to text him. Every time. She has to tell him something everytime. Has to constantly be in contact. He didn't reply, which was nice. but I saw it on his phone.

He also had to mention her name, about a drink she bought. Every time. Her name gets mentioned .

I'm sure my name doesn't come up that much.

[CMF]

I'm so down. Just feel like crying. Had a lovely drive & lunch with M. He picked me up from home. Maybe he s realised how sick I am of sis?it's pointless me going there. I go later so I don't have to hang around. I leave my car on the street, he drives, then I drive home. What's the point of that? I want OUR Friday nights to be at mine too. It was meant to be more time for us and our kids , not us and his sister.i want things to be more like they would if she wasn't there so I'm gonna try not to be around her/them. I've been anxious about work, feeling like a failure. I'm back in the office tomorrow, which is good, but I'm nervous too. One member of my team agitates me cos he is flippant, lazy doesn't check work he sends through. Everything need a to go back to him to complete properly or for clear instructions. I was moody tpday cos of work. M was moody cos his son won't study. We had a nice lunch, chatted, he spoke about his eldest son, the one who no longer talks to my daughter. I hardly said a word on the way home. I was so down.

I've been crying a bit. Don't know why. When little miss had remote learning I didn't have time to help cos I was so busy with work. When my work colleague is too busy and tells me to look it up in my book it upsets me yet I did the same to little miss. I did help little miss later on though. Then I think not M's sis saying we shouldn't complain about remote learning cos we chose to be parents and part of parenting is teaching your kids. Sure, but not school.work whilst trying to do a full time job. After all, we don't take our kids work everyday do we? Bright spark, full of opinions on things she has no experience in. She was defending her bro who's a teacher cos I said he chose to be a teacher, I didn't. That's what triggered her, from another room, to butt in on our conversation cos she has to be involved on everything between us.

I'm grumpy, teary, had enough of people.

[quirkywords]

CMF

I can feel your tiredness , frustration and tears through your words.
You do have a lot on your plate and teaching your children and paid work is hard.

Many parents have felt the same as you.

The issues with his sister have been around for a long time but when you are exhausted physically and emotionally they feel so strong.

Grumpy teary snd had enough of people, I am sure many people including me can relate to those words at times.

sending kind thoughts.

[CMF]

Thanks Quirky,

Having lunch with girls at work today and one asked if I thought ive with M. I couldn't answer. I realised that I can't see what our future is. It's tricky. This led to the story about his sis. In particular the bedroom redecorating story. The girls couldn't believe what she is like. They couldn't believe I've put up with it so long, our whole relationship. They understood, sometimes finishing my sentences with my exact thoughts. Speaking out loud made me realise just how much she involves herself in US. The part about the rug in M's room really came to light. When he went from wanting charcol to a lighter colour with shades of charcol it was cos she was in his ear. That day i went over she had already picked out different rugs to show me. When I questioned him, saying he told me he wanted charcol she jumped in straight away say charcol shows too much fluff. I questioned him on this later, on why she was suddenly showing me different rugs after he and I had discussed it and he said HE thought it would be nice to have something different. Bull dust. It was her trying to get involved & control it. I believe he was covering for her cos he knows I worked it out and I was furious. After that day I did look for rugs with a pattern and he was against it, saying no, he wanted charcol. I'm guessing he realised he had allowed her to control what he wanted but I'm smarter than that. I think he's realised how serious I am about her constant interfering. He hasn't suggested I go there at all since it happened, and I won't for the sake of our relationship. I don't want to visit a 'married couple'. I don't have that rubbish at mine so he can come here. I want to visit HIM in HIS house, not THEM in THEIR house. I thought about all the things she's done over the last 2&1/2 years and I can't believe just how much she's interfered , interrupted, taken his attention from me, even in the smallest way but she always does it some way or another.I felt sick after telling the girls at work. It brought up just how much it's been, they were shocked, really shocked and said everything that I think. So it's not me over reacting, or being silly about it. It's real, it's a real issue and not normal. She needs his adoration and attention.I don't know if we will last. He told me it wouldn't always be like this. Do I trust that? Is he just saying what I want to hear? Do I want to invest in this uncertainty?

[Guest_1584]

Yeah but it's easy to say from the outside where thay are cm.

But l think you've handled it bloody well myself . You know, as irritating as she's bee you were in a tough spot. She was there for m earlier and the kids, she's non the less been really nice to you too. l mean it's a very tricky one you didn't really wanna blow all that to bits so to speak and so you've been very tactful and patient l reckon you've done well.

m gets it now there's no 2 ways about that finally , the families still in tact , no ones been hurt and he is willing to do a lot more now. l mean stuff like this could've very easily blown up into a real mess . Shame it took him so long and you guys have missed out on so much from it all buttttt, hopefully things will get better and better from here bc he finally gets it.