Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Party was low key. M quite affectionate. Arm around me at mass. Lovely morning tea at theirs. Sis' latest..."I'm not a mum but I brought these boys up last few years ". Someone at the party said "thanks Mr &Mrs.. " again sis told them I'm not their mum but I've but have been last couple of years.

Sick. Tell me my 'wifey' name is not right. She wanted to step in as wifey & mum & she did.

[Guest_1584]

Ahh yeah , l don't think it's ever like that, l think he'd usually love you to stay, or come along , or whatever. And yeah , he knows where to lay low and not rub anything in these days.lt's funny to watch , he takes the chicken way out sometimes and doesn't tell you things, like the party.

ps, never know, it might be good practice for her and new man haha, has he got kids ? lf not maybe he wants them.

rx

[CMF]

If people mistake them for a married couple that's just wrong in my eyes. Brother & sis giving off a married couple vibe is creepy. M told me today I'm a good judge of character. A woman we both know left her husband. M grew up with her & said she's great, really cool. My older kids went to school with hers. I found her obnoxious, rude, dressed inappropriately at times etc. M was surprised. We found out today she'd been cheating on her husband. M's right. I am agood judge of character like I am with sis. She knew exactly why she wanted to move in, today her words proved it & I was right. Just like I was right about her ex. I asked M if anything came up for him in the card reading she had. He said only that he needs to make alot of career decisions which he does as he's planning to move on from his job later this year.

[CMF]

He doesn't have kids. They want them.

Sis also spoke not very nicely about M's sons gf today & about another girl who's not very nice to my daughter. When I told M how I felt about this girl he said I was too harsh & she's not that bad. When sis spoke about her today he said nothing. He also said nothing when she bagged his son's gf yet when I commented on something I heard a strange woman say today he told me not to judge. So sis can make whatever comments she wants about people but I get pulled up. If he doesn't like me saying g things he can't like her saying it & she'd be commenting alot cos she lives there.

Controlling , that's all she is.

[Guest_1584]

l know . but eh l try to find some positive things to say about her as your usually already in the doldrums enough , and m too.

lf you'd rather l can just slap you with the lot haha.

[CMF]

Haha, if you like.

I wish I didn't get these negative thoughts all the time about not wanting to be with him & making things not what they really are etc. When I feel like that, then I see him, he's just so happy & loving. Clearly it's just me being overly negative. Then again, we never know what he's thinking but he is always positive.

My mind runs away with me & over exaggerates things. Wish I could stop this. Always happens when I'm stressed or we've had no proper time together.

[Guest_1584]

Yeah l know so nah, we don't wanna make you feel even worse right. Funny how he's always so happy and loving , l know but he's a lucky man really l mean it would be a nice way to be right , see no evil here no evil haha- or turn the other way and just go on being happy. Not a bad way to be really. They're the luckier person really, don't you think.

Weird you know , when you say that though, gf is actually like that in person mostly, wouldn't think so from my thread l know. But when she's up there and dealing with all her crap and alone and frustrated she just starts spinning. Down here and together though in person she's actually really fun and perky, has a real positive happy way about her.

[CMF]

I cried on the way to work. I chatted to my manager about it as i just needed to talk. She agrees it's creepy esp that people think they're married. She agrees there needs to be a point where she moves on, like now.

I feel so sad. I see her control & walk all over him & he's like a puppet Just smiling & agreeing with everything. She knows he's a yes man & people pleaser & takes advantage of him. She couldn't control her boyfriends but now she has M to be her puppet.

It makes me sick.

[Guest_1584]

Damn, so my positive spin didn't work eh, bugger. Yep it is a weird one alright and tbh, they shouldn't need to be separated as in her moving away for him to be focusing on you and you two. He should've already been showing that yrs ago whether she's around or not.He still just isn't connecting the dots though

rx

[CMF]

He does focus on me & us. He talks about living together at times. I don't cos till she's gone I don't see it, just him & me. It's the thing of them living this happy family life. He's admitted she won't move till she has a man. I wonder what he'll do when she does? He doesn't like being alone. Funny thing, he doesn't like people who behave like her ie social media addicts, can't be alone, go from one relationship to another. He doesn't see or won't admit that's how she is or see her real motives. Guess it's part of not being able to stand up to her or acknowledge I'm right..

So I'm a good judge of character. Remember the girl I didn't like cos she was not nice to my daughter etc? The one sis criticised & he said nothing but i was told I'm too harsh? She split with her bf & is upset. M said if only he could tell her she needs to look at herself & her behaviour. He admitted she's not right & a bit crazy. WELL...I told him! He defended her when I didn't like her, said she was ok etc. Even after she was nasty to her ex bf mum. Now he agrees she's not nice. Thanks for being on my side...NOT. He such a people pleaser he defends anyone I don't like but I end up being right. I'm a good judge of character & I know sis' character.