Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[Guest_1584]

Jezuz , you guys have so many bd's .

But there ya go then eh , maybe the reader is right and all your problems will be solved.

[CMF]

Yeah, It's been a busy bday period.

My daughter said sis was sitting on the couch on her own alot of the afternoon looking at her phone. Not like her to not socialise then again they had a busy morning preparing. No idea what she did last night so may have been tired or maybe pre occupied with her reading? The reading also revealed that new man already has plans for them. I find it hard to believe nothing came up about M & I considering how much sis came up in my readings.

Maybe I need another reading?

Cmf

[Guest_1584]

Haaaa wellllll.

lf she's gonna be right about anything l'll bet l know which one your hoping for haha.

Funny how watching m you felt those things , l know exactly how that sort of thing can effect us sometimes. First time gf met my d and her bf at the time, my God she was just sooooo sweet , so nice , so humble. l've seen her like that around quite a few people over the yrs , just melts my heart every time. She's no fool with people and she reads people very well so if she doesn't like them or trust them , forget it , but if she does, this is just her.

rx

[CMF]

Yeah,

Most of our disagreements are cos of sis. Otherwise we're both pretty easy going. We has no alone time this weekend, so busy. I really feel it too. Next weekend busy too. His son has his 21st party with mates. He & sis going to look after/control drinks & Sunday Mother's Day. Sunday we'll go to mass with his Mum then a 'HighTea' at theirs. It's also his grandfathers bday. He said mum & sis will go visit (nursing home) but he doesn't want to take little miss there so we might face time. Very thoughtful of him & nice that sis is going & not dumping it on M again.

She was def quiet yesterday. My card lady is so accurate & sis def would have asked about M. Wonder if sis was told she needs to give us space. Maybe it hit home for her that M will not tell her how he feels. Strange how I feel weird about it but as I've said before, maybe the card lady is the messenger. Sis said she won't buy with him till he buys something himself first. Hmmmm...stalling? Insecure? scared to commit? Excuses?

I'm missing M. Really feel it when we have no time together.

Might get another reading, see what comes up about sis.

[Guest_1584]

My God , more bd's and things , dunno how you stand it, suppose that's just life for these family types no wonder l live 3hrs away haha.

Well l dunno about card lady but eh , she's def' said something to sis about you two. But nah sis couldn't buy with new man yet crikey she's only known him a few mths she's smart staying outa that one this soon. But hey lets hope card lady was right eh. Parttyyyy time eee haaa.

Dunno if l told you or maybe l did on mine forget. But d did my tarot the other night. l don't normally go near them and hers don't pick me up very well either or it could be lack of focus on my part when she does a hand, don't know. But they told of a new start , yikes, TWICE. Not exactly what l'd like to hear and as l say they never read me very well anyway mine are usually far more accurate buttttt. lt is looking that way atm.

Not a wonder you miss him, couldn't cope with all that family stuff of his but, l suppose l've been coping with far worse myself 16mths now anyway so l can't talk.

[CMF]

M mentioned sis' new man dropped in this week with nice bottle wine. I don't think he mentioned he slept over. Maybe he's not comfortable staying there with M & his boys there. I could be wrong.

M's son has his 21st party with his friend's this Saturday. It's in a hall. I don't want to go as I knew nothing about it & M & sis will be looking after drinks. M asked tonight if I'm gonn pop in & I told him no, no point me being there watching the kids get drunk. M sounded disappointed, asked why I wouldn't pop in & said we'll talk about it tomorrow. Interesting that he seems to really want me to drop on. I really don't see the need to, especially as I'll have little miss & he'll have sis.

[CMF]

He also said he can see sis with new man. I reminded him he said this about the ex too, that he thought he was 'the one'. He said new man is quieter, not so much in your face. How funny cos I find sis to be in our faces a

But in a different way.I know she's not like the ex but she's still 'in your face'. Interesting how M found it annoying in her ex & I find it annoying in her. She's also not posting as much on social media compared to how she used to.we don't all have to know EVERYTHING she buys & does. I'm guessing new man doesn't post on SM if he's so quiet. Wonder how she's containing herself & missing all that attention?

[CMF]

Tonight was too much. Went to M's for dinner & everyone was there. His boys, the gf me,my 2 girls M & wifey. I'm exhausted after a busy/stressful week at work. Dinner was loud, messy, confusing. Just the way M loves it & I hate it. Whenever he tells us about something he's telling sis. Always looks at her. She borrowed his jacket to go outside & commented it was tight. He responded that he doesn't have t#@s(breasts). I hate that talk between them...alot. Wifey asked if I'm coming to the parry tomorrow night. No. The gf asked as I was leaving. No. Why would I want to stand around with little miss while he & wifey play mummy & daddy controlling the bar? He didn't talk about it with me like he said. I only found out cos my d got an invite. It was all planned months before. I wasn't told. I don't need to "drop in for a bit". No thanks.

[Guest_1584]

No offense but all m's people and stuff going on would exhaust me, and l come from a family of over 10. They must think it's weird your not going , did or the wifey ask why ?

[CMF]

No not really. I told M there was no point me being there. The party is just for his son's mates. 30 people or so. No family going. We are having morning tea for Mother's Day. I don't need a WHOLE weekend of sis. Friday & Sunday is enough. M & said he'd go to the party to control drinking, of course wifey would have jumped on thst but I knew nothing till my d got an invite. M's been so upbeat last few Friday nights. I'm usually exhausted so I find it hard. Admitedly, if wifey wasn't there last night I probably would've enjoyed it more. Just me, M & our kids . She just changes the whole dynamic. She showed M him her new leather jacket, he said wow sexy. Haha...don't hear him say my stuff is sexy. She told us how new man buys all this good & stuff to accommodate her body building diet. M said he is so considerate of her, he's just like me. Well if he's like me in so many ways I wonder what he thinks of the whole set up? Too early I guess & too early to see how she controls M.

M's different when just us or at mine. At his with sis & kids around he's louder, more vocal. He's just being himself. Wonder which he prefers. I reckon I'm too boring for him but we'll never know till sis moves on & it's just us.

Yep. That dinner def too much for me.