Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[Guest_1584]

Yeah he is making progress and that's a lot more than l can say for gf atm so good luck to you l say.

l forgot to ask , how did he see the message ? But anyway yeah he has defo been thinking, even to ask about your friend like that. Funny l'm like that too l don't want for big fancy and expensive , so mv tv thing was unusual for me , even my ph is 5yrs old hoping to get a few more yrs out of it yet. The bigger tv would've been a real one of things for me that's why l got to thinking l should've lashed out but nah, in the end l chose good haha.

rx

[CMF]

Over lunch today M wZ pondering if we hadn't married the people we did & been thru whst we both have, what would have brought us back together? We were reminiscing about the time we saw each other at our boys' parent/teacher interviews about 8 years ago when they were at the same high school. He told me that he was telling his best mate about it at the time & said to him he should have married me. I know how much he loves me shows it in many ways. I hope the reminiscing means he doesn't want to lose me cos of his sister. The BIG TV shows how she thinks only of what she wants. Poor boys are stuck with it now. Since the chair/BIG TV thing started he's been pointing out how much he loves that I like simple things in life. Complete opposite to his sis. Her recent behaviour is eye opening.

Cmf

[Guest_1584]

l've often wondered about people re'meeting later in life tbh l didn't think that stuff usually worked and the opposite really, turn's out they'd split for a reason buttttt, there ya go eh. So good luck to ya , it's nice to see. There's only one person that could happen to me with and things have been so crapola lately l have actually thought about it and wondered what she's doing these days.

l dunno hth they're gonna put up with the eye strain of that big tv , could be yrs. l'd tell her l'm putting back the old one.

rx

[CMF]

He saw the message when little miss was texting my older daughter. As she was typing the message my previous messages were there. He was standing with us looking at the phone. When I realised I grabbed my phone & finished typing her message. I'm sure he would have put 2 & 2 together seeing as I lost it at him earlier & I was a little quiet over dinner. Not so long ago when she broke up with her ex & I had a meltdown cos it meant she'd not be leaving yet I told him I didn't know how much longer I could do this. I was crying too. She also had her crap all over kitchen bench again after he made an effort to clean it up & keep it so clean. I noticed last Friday when we had dinner for his son's bday/Good Friday they had dusted & cleaned & all her crap under the coffee table was gone.

Yeah...maybe chairs/BIG TV has undeniably shown her true colours. He may have convinced her not to get chairs (he likes current ones) but she was walking all over him & did with BIG TV. I wonder what she thought when he brought up 'when she moves out'? Also, she said when she does move out she's leaving her furniture for him & getting new stuff to suit her home. M will need furniture but maybe he doesn't want hers? Again, just doing what suits her. He's always said if we live together he'll leave the decorating to me. Does that mean we'd be left with the job of disposing of hers.

She's a steamroller.

[Guest_1584]

Haaa, sounds like it.

Must be nice having so much money it doesn't matter hey,

Nice to hear you have meltdowns to bc they usually don't really sound as such but the tears did it. l had one at gf last wk, straw that broke the camels back. Stupid thing is l don't think she even realized why, even though l bloody told why loud and clear.

Anyway , if sis does go anywhere you two will probably do something of your own with the place. Must be beautiful having two houses between you.

rx

[CMF]

I agree. People do split for a reason & I don't really believe in on again/off again relationships. In our case it was over 30 years ago, we were 18 & 19. As he said today it was just not right time for us. He wanted to travel having already been overseas on his own. I was more wanting to be settled.

So you have an old flame eh? Look her up...you never know 😊

[Guest_1584]

Yeah right , know you would've talked about it way back when but of course long forgotten haha.

Something like that happened with my brother and they've been married yrs now since.

Yeah there would be someone. It was a very very special thing with her too. Circumstances at the time though.No clue what she's doing these days could be married of for all l know. She's like me to and has no SM whatsoever so l couldn't go snooping , l'd have to get creative, which just happens to be my specialty haha.

rx

[Guest_1584]

ps, how did you bump into m again ?

[CMF]

My sister recommended a guy to install blinds for me. Had the number sitting there for months thinking the name sounded familiar. When I eventually called I recognises his voice straight away, one of M's best mates from way back. He did the blinds, i asked how M was, all good. He told M i said hi and about how independent i was etc,not k owing i was single. Apparently M said he wished his wife was like me. About a year later I got another blind done. As he was walking out to go I asked how M was...he'd split with his wife. I asked for M's number wanting to catch up as friends as I knew what a split was like. I messaged him, we caught up for coffee...that was the start of it. M says when he saw me waiting for him at the coffee shop his thoughts were 'I'm home'. We bumped into each other twice over the years. One was parent/teacher interviews where he says he was checking me out. I didn't see him then sat right next to him. He realised it was me & said hi. He was with his ex wife, they had just reconciled at the time. A few other things happened earlier that year that were part of the lead up. Someone up above was moving pieces into play. Guess this is how we know we were meant to reconnect when the time was right .

[Guest_1584]

Haaa you asked for he's number, that was a brave one. WEll you've come a long way for sure , there's been so much negativity over everything and you two or should l say three, but here you are finally feeling better about things and still in there eh, good for you.

That's how l felt when l met gf actually, and we had some weird things happen as l was saying to. Unfortunately there were also some other feelings to though that weren't adding up, still don't.

Anyway , sounds like things sis are slowly but surely coming to light all round finally eh.