Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

It's been lively so far. I do have some anxiety. So nice not to have sis in my face. M mentioned something about the TV, now I keep thinking. If she's buying TV & new chairs for THAT house she's telling the Universe she's staying not showing she wants to move forward with her life. She claims she's spiritual, she should realise this. When she wants she gets,looks like she wants to settle there. If I were the new man, it would be a red flag for Mr, telling him she wants to stay there.

[CMF]

Tbh, I don't thi k she wants to commit to anyone . Now she has this family life with M I think she just likes having a man to 'play' with.

[CMF]

Oh wow. Anxiety & mind chatter just won't stop. The mind chatter just won't let up. Constant, noisy, my mind us everywhere. Triggers, thoughts, noise. Just STOP. GO AWAY.

[Guest_1584]

Sometimes when we're away it all gets worse l know, try to enjoy cm hey.

Big hug.

[CMF]

Well we are home & I feel more secure. Still a little anxious but home sweet home. M is so wonderful to be with. We are so good together without sis in our faces. He treats little miss like his own daughter.

I do struggle being away from home. I create situations that are not true, hoping all is OK at home. Feeling out of control.I can feel myself settling down,back on my couch. My older daughter had friends over but left the house spotless. Vacuumed, mopped, folded washing. Can't ask for more than that.

So glad I'm home.

[CMF]

Caught up with friends today I haven't seen for months. They made my day, things going we for them. They're a married couple bit older than me. Her sister left a bad marriage & has been living with them last few years. She moved into her own place recently & interestingly they are relieved. They said it was becoming too much for them. She was always talking, always there, bringing her life into their home. Sound familiar? Guess I'm not the only one who thinks siblings living together can interfere with a relationship. M,& I got back yesterday, sis went to new man's last night, M at mine tonight. Gee, wonder if she's realising we have life she doesn't need to be in all the time? I felt relief when my friends told me the sis living there was getting too much. I'm glad I'm not the only one to see this. It's disturbs the dynamic of a relationship to have a constant 3rd party in your face. Shame M doesn't see it. BTW, her ex's bed still on my nature strip. Hard rubbish not collected yet 😒

[CMF]

What a weekend. Told M I bumped into my friends & 1st thing he asked is if the sister still lived with them. When I told him no he asked 'was it too much?' WOW! Our kids were going out with friends & sis was dropping his son off at mine so they could go together. I prayed she wouldn't come in & hang around with us. She didn't come in at all. M asked ' did she go?'. On the way home today he told me sis not getting new chairs now. He said to her wouldn't she rather wait till she moves out & get something that suits her place? Couple of days later she told him she agrees! She said when she moves she'll leave her furniture for M & get new furniture to suit her home. I reminder him that he's told me she's all talk at times but he says she does have it in mind. He did agree she won't move till she has man cos living alone is crap. Told him she's a big girl now & it's not fair on us as it impacts us. Everything depends on her. I asked what if we decided to live together sooner...what then? The BIG TV looks ridiculous. It is like sitting in the front row of a cinema lol. His son & my daughter also agree it is too big. It's like watching a tennis match looking from 1 side to the other. I laugh when I think of it. It looks so stupid in that space. It's ridiculous 🤣

[CMF]

When I got upset Easter Sunday I messaged my older daughter saying 'I can't do this anymore' M saw it later that night. Sis & mum went for that drive today. We didn't go despite M telling her yes when she asked. I think he knows the TV is ridiculous, he's spoken to her about the chairs, he asked about my friend's sis living with them. While we were away he commented how happy I looked. Maybe he is finally realising the impact she is having on us. Maybe he's realising she's becoming too much. Maybe he realised what 'I can't do this anymore' meant.

[Guest_1584]

Yeah sounds like he's finally twigging but l wonder how he feels inside , loving his sis and all and the complicated set up with the house.

Your right about tv's too big for the spot and distance, our eyes don't spread out that far when watching tv, it messes things up. Funny, l bought a new one last yr but since l've wondered if l shoulda gone all out with a larger one. Tbh though , the one l bought is perfect for the spot and even if l sell here, my new lounge would be set up the same bc l like to be close, so a larger one still wouldn't work. So in the end l chose well even if they do come double the size now days.

Sounds like you guys did so nicely away together wow eh , must be the first time so long just you two or? Sounds like that's pushed a few m buttons too finally.

rx

[CMF]

Hi rx,

I guess I'll never know how he really feels. She lived on her own for 10 years, what's the difference now? I think the new chairs & TV got bit much for him. He really saw her in action changing things to suit herself, not caring what he wanted. CONTROLLING. He did tell her not to bother, what they have is fine. Now the TV is so big it's not enjoyable to watch...unless they move the couch back...into the meals area LOL. Poor M. He was happy with what they had but she had to get her way & he has to suck it up. Glad his son said it was too big. I'm sure he saw my 'can't do this anymore' message. He'll always love his sister but is he prepared to let her ruin our relationship? Does he want a future with her or me? This is what he needs to consider. It was 1st time just us 2 & little miss. So relaxing. He always comments how I like the simple things. We were talking about REALLY expensive watches & he pointed out that even if I had all the money in the world I still wouldn't buy one. He knows how down to earth I am. Probably good sis got the TV, shows her true colours. I'm proud of M for trying to tell her not to, telling her to buy chairs she wants WHEN she moves out & not making us go on that drive today. Yeah, proud of him for speaking up.