Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

We get back on Friday. I don't think I wznna go for another long drive on Sunday. Maybe she can take her mum for the drive? She kept also saying M's son needs to get his driving hours up & he can drive. M has told me his son is not a good driver so I'm not getting in the car with him. She can do what she wants. I'm annoyed that M just said yes to her without considering cos he can't stand up to her. He should have at least said we'll see ,& he'll let her know , not commit us to something. Of course big mouth sis had to tell their mum then & there so she's now excited about it.

It's his son's bday today. She was the perfect wife/mother cooking dinner, serving it up, cleaning up while M sat back. Seriously???? He can't see it?

[CMF]

I want to go away this week & just enjoy being us but I need to know if sis controlled his life like this when he was married. I doubt it cos he had a wife & kids. Now that the wife's gone &she's stepped in she's just controlling him. As I keep saying, she does what she wants when she wants & he does what she wants when she wants. It needs to stop. She walks all over him & us & disguises it as being thoughtful & caring. I don't want to ruin Easter or our getaway but I need to tell him. It's her or us. If he can't put her in her place I will. I have asked him if it will always be like this, her controlling & interfering. He said no but as long as she lives there she will. She's a steamroller, just crushing us.

If our relationship ends it will be because of her.

[CMF]

I might not say anything yet. I might wait till he asks/tells me about next Sunday & then bring it up. I just hope it doesn't come up over Easter dinner. I'll tell him he can go cos he agreed, not me. At some point she needs to hear the truth. I've warned him if I get peeved enough it will come out. It's the same with her dropping comments about going overseas. She's making plans for them that I don't know about. He keeps saying she's just talking about it, putting it out there but cos hes6 pushover she'll plan & book it all for then then I'll find out.

He just doesn't get it.

[Guest_1584]

Nah it wouldn't have been going on back through his marriage, she wouldn't have been living with them and filling that void back then. They'd had been together as normal and have their own world and territory.

lf not for you complaining and being peeved 24 7 tbh l don't think he'd even care., doubt he'd even notice. He's just as into her as off as that sounds , as she is them , him.l think he likes all the things she does and looks after and suggests or tells it's basically all just his life anyway, all the same things. New man doesn't seem to be as full on as the last guy unfortunately, as yet anyway , you'll have to whisper in his ear haha.

Such a shame she just stops all the natural progression of you two as a couple or it'd be you , and you and m , doing and planning all that stuff normally by now, long ago really, as a couple. Must be bloody hard that frustrating , understatement l know. Hopefully you'll at least both get the hell away from it all for awhile v soon now anyway refind your feet and cool off.

Good luck hey.

rx

[CMF]

Yeah,he's oblivious.

She kept talking about that particular tourist attraction, like fishing for us to invite her to see it. She probably wants to come for drive with new man. NO WAY. One way or another she's gonna get the message wether M likes it or not.

New nan likes fishing , hunting & been doing a fair bit of it. She won't stop him but wonder how she'll cope if they do eventually live together & he's away every opportunity? I'm sure she'll try control him too eventually.

[CMF]

Funny thing.. the last bf, the one who cheated on her...he said she was too controlling. He did the wrong thing ,& he's not nice, too full on, but funny how he also thinks she's controlling.

Funny how we're both outsiders, yet in the family and both see it.

[Guest_1584]

Yeah that's it exactly , it's the family. Really there's nothing wrong with it if not for partners if it works for the family who cares and l think m's quite happy her taking care of things. But the odds of someone else fitting into the nice little package is pretty tough if he doesn't make it happen. Her bf well she at least still made sure they had their time , being the controller

[CMF]

Seeing as haven't been asked about the drive with his mum I'm very tempted to make a lunch booking for m & I next Sunday. I have a voucher & there's a nice winery we want to go to. I want to book & tell him it's to finish off our week together. I could tell him I has already booked as a surprise. Yeah, then we'll see where his loyalty lies.

[CMF]

The drive she wants to take is to also see an exhibition. The exhibition is on till July. What a coincidence she wants to go the weekend we are back. I really would like to chill after being away. I don't want to do another long day trip. We have 3 months to go, what's the urgency? Trying to show her control cos I'll have him for 4 days.

As soon as M said yeah sure she was quick to ask her mum. She has issues...big issues.

[Guest_1584]

Ahhhh Jezuz .

lt's incredible isn;t it , unfortunately for you, what just one person can do. She even wants to jump on the day you get back , l couldn't compete with that haha