Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Feeling better. It's been a challenging week at work & I was so drained & frustrated yesterday. I called, had a big vent then had him read an email I would like to show my manager. He was helpful. Tonight we are having dinner at his ,& he's buying a cake for little miss' bday. Famy party is tomorrow.

I need to get over this thing of why he hasn't called yet. There is no rule as to who calls who except one I've created in my head. When little miss goes to bed I can call him, no need to wait for him to call me.

I'm just being picky & stupid as I do.

[CMF]

One funny thing. A work colleague was listening in to a conversation I was having with my manager. So annoying. M said 'did you ask , Can I help you?' I didn't although her behaviour was very rude. If I did this at work should I do this with sis? After all, he thinks i should have said it & it's the same situation ? 😊

[quirkywords]

CMF

I like all your insights and thoughts in your posts and how they can change over a few days. You pose interesting questions and challenge your thinking process.

I find that phrase about drama or being a drama queen can be a bit harsh. I was called a drama queen by an ex because I disagreed with him.

[CMF]

Hi Quirky & thank you.

Yes, I do like to evaluate & reflect my thoughts. How I was feeling at the time, was I triggered, tired etc.

I was a little cheeky tonight. Lovely dinner at M's, sis his son & my girls. M & I have a '9 year plan'. When my little miss finishes school we'll look at living together. M mentioned to sis tonight so I jumped in & said that if all the 'kids' moved out it might happen earlier. By 'kids' I didn't really mean just the kids. Just wanted to put it out there that people need to move out for us to have more alone time. I saw sis look at me when I said it. Wonder if she got my drift?

[CMF]

I decided I wouldn't let the things she does annoy me but I did make observations. After dinner sis was sitting on the couch & M went to make coffee so I purposely went to the kichen with him. Sis came in to show me something but hing around & started talking about her body building. She then sat on the stairs, behind where I was sitting. Not sure why. Did she want to listen or be near us? She was texting then told me that as M is saying at mine after little miss' bday she'll need to leave to take her mum home then going to her new man's. That's fine. She then asked M if he'd told me about our lunch date Sunday. He told me his mum might have to join us ad her car has been smashed & we need to take her to look at cars. She wanted sis to go but say didn't want to cos she's with new man. I don't mind at all that we need to do this as I'd like to look at some cars but I'm annoyed that sis doesn't give M & I time alone but when she wants it she makes us fill in for her so she can be with her man. I'd do anything for M's mum but sis is just selfish.

[CMF]

I really do wonder what M will be like when sis doesn't live there. He was so chirpy when I got there. I thought cos she was there, but his new bike he always wanted had just arrived...and the brand mentions my name hahaha. He also made a point of wanting to know about something that occurred at work.

It was a good night. Not gonna let myself ruin it with negative nonsense.

[CMF]

Observations. When I was telling M about my day sis kept coming in to show him her protein shakes. She then stood in between us taking across us to my daughter. I ended up moving. Just clueless. At little miss' bday she sat next to M. I was busy in the kitchen but when I did sit she commented she was in my spot. We took M's mum out to look at cars today & had lunch. She thanked us so much and made note that it is the only day we have together. She gets it, she's said this before when she's come out with us. She's very conscious of giving us time alone. We also had his friend's Gf's bday, the 1 I don't like much.M was sitting on the couch & I saw her sit with him to chat. There wasn't much room but she snuggled in. Body language says alot, she curled her legs up knees pointing toward him. Think she was playing with her ear too. I was chatting with his cousin (not sure they like her)but couldn't help looking over. She cycles with them m thinks she's so great. When I first met her I felt her look me up & down. Something just don't sit right. I wouldn't sit that close on a couch with M' friends & play with my ear.

[CMF]

I did see a car I liked & reasonable price, $20000 brand new. I jokingly told M he could buy it for my bday. Basic model,no bells &whistles. As M left he stopped & asked - if we won Powerball I'd still want that car?. Told him yep, that's what I'd want.

He said that's why he loves me 😊

[Guest_1584]

Haaa crakin me up.

She sounds like a friendly one alright , the friend, sounds a bit flirty wonder what er bf thinks ? PS , l don't think you've been being a drama queen at all well , only when your anxiety kicks in but yeah you usually realize at those times. The others though , been around a lot of friends family and sisters with ex w or gf over the yrs , never known a partner that wouldn't be a bit weird with sis especially, but or eyeing of the other one sitting with m like that either.

rx

[CMF]

Thanks rx,

Yeah, seems like M has a 2 women who like his attention. The friend's gf just doesn't give me or my daughte a good vibe. I'm sure she prefers her & her bf having coffee at M's when I'm not there. When I walk in just look...of disappointment actually.