Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[Guest_1584]

Hiya cm.

Well at least you've had a sociable day and gotten out and to be around m , and found out some gos. l was suppose to go away camping but changed my mind with the heat so tonight cruizing my forums is the highlight haha , oh , and watching the tennis haha. l will push myself over to the beach tomorrow though and that pool sounds bloody beautiful, damn shame that sis comes with the deal.

lt's not you your not weird , l think most gf's would have a problem with their whatever it is. And that kiss goodnight thing, having a pile of sisters myself , l nearly threw up tbh, it just does not sound right , creepy creepy. l know there's nothing more to it although she is in love with him , but it still does. Same with the bikinis l'd have to leave if one of my sisters was hanging around in that.

Damn the bf thing eh , if only, so close. Trouble is , there's really nothing wrong with m's life and he gets along with his sister some do l suppose, so be it. But when it's on this level and interfering with your relationship and seemingly above it sometimes, too much. The thing l was saying one thing so special about gf and l is that we live and view most things big things and life the same . And her success level thing , there's lots of other levels too and m's is that he's really sociable and close to his family to be it too close to that one but nonetheless he doesn't really have any problem with any of it at all. So he's level is so different to yours , mine to by a mile , and sis creepy, well to us anyway, but even that doesn't seem to even faze him.

l dunno what you can say at this stage , you've been saying for 3yrs and as soon as your backs turned it's all just still there, bc that's his level, it's just him and really , he has no problem with any of it. Damn tricky one for ya .

Good luck tomorrow.

big hugs. rx

[CMF]

I don't wanna do Sunday. Not only does sis' bf owe her money, she lent him her dad's tools which haven't been returned & he has a key to their house. She jumped from an 11 year relationship into this, gave him money, house keys & thinks their 15 months is a long time. If 15 months is a long time, what about my 3 & 1/2 years with M & her being involved the whole time? She's certainly not good at choosing her men. I know M would not even bat an eyelid about what she gave her ex. I tell M everything, he tells me nothing. Even in the past I've found out things from sis before him.

I may need to tell him that I don't feel I'm very important to him. Well certainly not as important as cycling, keeping fit or bowing down to his sis. All the nice lunches in the world do not make up for not caring about my feelings.

He wants his cake & eat it too, maybe he'll wear it instead & sis can clean it off for him.

[CMF]

Her perfect match is someone like him- successful, kissy kiss,lijes nice cars, had money,fit & his perfect match is someone like her, independent, successful, has money, into fitness, likes fast cars-but needs to be older & not posting everything on social media . Her ex was not at her level & I've said before I'm not at M's. So they live together, perfect matches and I'm here to sleep with.

The thing is, I don't even know if want to live with him cos I'm watching him in a relationship with her & don't know what I am. I also don't know what it's like to be with just him. Too many lines crossed here.

I haven't slept, I feel sick. I need a 'single ' man not a man 'owned' by another woman. She oversteps the line in every way, being the woman in his life, his home, his kids life, all cos she doesn't have it herself, but she's set herself up so she does have it, cos she always gets what she wants. Somehow, so does he.

[Guest_1584]

Ahhh cm.

lt's a bloody tough one , you were almost rid of her, so close.l really hear you with all the holding things back too that'd drive me crazy.

[CMF]

Sadly I think he's the roadblock in my life. I need another reading done. Tge first was pretty accurate

[CMF]

She is the roadblock, the barrier. All 6ft 3 of her blocking our relationship, stopping us really being a couple. Infiltrating everything. She moved in and took over his house, his family, his life and he just let's her control everything. She controls the kids, him,when/if we have time alone. She always rocks up and ruins it. She pulls the strings, he's the puppet, I'm the sidekick.

I feel stuck, stagnant, down, anxious, don't care and he is completely oblivious.

[Matchy69]

Hi CMF I am sorry you have tested positive and hope you are ok.

[Guest_1584]

Ah cm cm , what are we gonna do . Unfortunately he is too bc he's just on that level and seems as happy as a lark, Some people are also just happy too with someone else just taking over and looking after things and he's also a bit that way as well. Such a shame it's stopping everything that should be you and him with yours you'd be a huge full couple part of each others world and households by now. But unfortunately he's just all dandy with all that too unless your on his case.

[CMF]

Hi Matchy, thank you for your kind thoughts. I am feeling better.

Rx, I hardly spoke today then he asked why I thought the bf did a back flip then I told him she'll be loving there forever then I let loose. Told him everything I feel again that the kissing is creepy. That she gives us no space. That his ' relationship ' is with her cos they do everything we should be doing. Only thing they don't do is sleep together. I asked how he thinks it makes me feel, that he enjoys everything witj someone else not me? He kept asking how we can fix it. Told him it's been 3 &1/2 years, & it'll be another 5 now...if I'm still around. Told him she's too comfy, she's got him, the kids, company yet I'm alone. He agreed with it all & I asked if he even wants what I want or is he happy to keep living with her & have me on the side? Told him she controls it all, that I don't know how long I can keep doing this. It's his house too yet we don't get to enjoy it alone. She would have been relaxing by the pool today. We should have that luxury too but we don't.

I don't know if I can do it anymore. He thought she'd move in with bf this year & agreed it would be good for us but I told him we are now back to where we started. We have alot of great things going but her presence overshadows everything. His last thoughts were how do we get her out, find a man for her. Told him it'll be years & I might not be around. I asked why the Universe created this roadblock, right from the start. Why?

I just can't do it. If this is the life he wants, it's not for me.

[CMF]

Told him I don't think he cares. He said he cares that it upsets me but I feel he doesn't care that we have no time alone at his house. It affects me/us. We can't have a normal relationship with her around. He said she considers me a sister but it's creepy to hear about all the kisses. Kisses I don't get. He said I'm focusing on 1 negative aspect but it is always there, in everything we do. Also asked if he realises how much he mentions her. It is always she did this, she did that, she went here, she said this. Told him when his friend asked if we'd live together I was close to replying 'yeah, when he divorces his sister ' cos it will be like a divorce. Settle the finances, him get the house back, her move out. Told him I can't see what 'we' are with her there. They're like a married couple with 2 kids& I'm the weekend play date. He agreed, I fear that he thinks it's ok. He said 2nd time round in 50's with kids this is what it's like. No, it isn't. Second time round, in 50's with kids doesn't involve sis stepping in as a wife/ mother. I don't know anyone who has a situation like this.

I can't do it. I may as well be alone cos I am anyway.