Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?
Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:
Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;
Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me
Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.
Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby
How i feel now:
Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet
How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?
If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.
Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?
I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.
I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.
I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.
Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.
I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.
Thanks for reading
He knows how upset I was last night. He knows igot Covid tested today . We sent goodmorning messages, he said we'll done on getting the test, he told me it would have been his dad's 77th bday today, i sent my blessings but he hasn't asked how I'm feeling. After knowing how distressed and upset I was yesterday he hasn't adked. I have to isolate till I get a negative result. Hasn't asked if I need anything like food.
His lack of empathy is too much right now. His perfect happy life, not affected much by lockdown, is too much. He felt sorry for mate who was really really down cos he loves footy and can't go. He felt really sad for him but hadn't checked in on me.
Wtf is that?
Just finished work, a glass of wine and some relaxo around the net is my restup so l'm checking in on ya.
The test oooo l don't envy you and now some more at home just to ice the cake . At least it's the wkend , l hope d's are behaving.
The problem is , he just isn't like that. So that everything you show him and teach him he can come up with some feel good later from that and say some nice things , but he doesn't understand it bc it's just not inside. So if you were to tell him what you've said here, he'd jump and start patching it up , but that doesn't mean he'll understand it or see it though next time or the next . Or if he does it'll only be from the learning of this time , not bc he actually feels it or gets it but just in the trying to do the right thing.
The mate and his footy eh, poor thing, such tragedy.
Do you have any wine in the house .
I know it's just how he is not intentional. We spoke. Told him about D today. He says need to sit her down and talk to her. When I sit him down to talk about his sis he does nothing about it. Tomorrow is Father's Day. He said he'll have brunch with his kids then come over then suggested I could go there to get out of the house. I said no straight away but then thought that's not fair on him so told him I would. I then thought if sis' bf is there & son's gf then there are too many people from different households. Wouldn't it be nice if they made a sacrifice and stayed away so I could go. M has had 2 messages to get tested from different sites, me 1 so far. Mingling like that is just not right and I told him. I know they won't care about me missing out. All about their pleasure.
i am glad you posted as I was wondering about you. I am here for you too. It is all difficult and complicated by Covid, but sometimes that can be an excuse too. I just want you to. Be happy. Your daughter sounds like she is challenging at the moment, but you know how she really is and maybe she just doesn’t have the maturity to manage how life is at the moment.
Take care of yourself CMF,
The situation with my d is hurting me so much. I'm just staying away.
What a strange w/e. The number 3 had been significant for M & I. Friday 3/09 was our 3 year anniversary but we couldn't celebrate cos I had yo get Covid tested. Yesterday would have been his dad's bday, as M was cycling he bumped into his ex wife. Hasn't seen pr spoken to her for years. He says it was his dad being a smart Alec from the heavens. His dad never liked the ex. Today I opened FB and the first post I saw was a memory on his sis' timeline of their dad's 70th. Family pic with M's ex wife. Pretty funny it's our 3rd anniversary and she's popped up twice. I wonder what today holds lol
Hi again Tess,
Yes Covid is tough. Each lockdown is harder and I do understand your point of using it as an excuse. I am really struggling this time. I'm fatigued. Work is harder, Communication with colleagues frustrating.
M listened re my daughter, offered suggestions but as he pointed out, I'm very stubborn. I don't want to sit her down for a chat cos she'll jump down my throat and I'll fire up. I'm going to leave her be. This week she needs to attend school for assessments. I'm hoping having a break from being stuck in the house will help.
M says I'm so angry and reactive. Told him it's not anger, it's hurt and that he wouldn't underdtand cos his kids don't treat him like that nor their mother after all she did to them.
My Covid test was negative so I'll go to M's today. Change of scenery for me. Hopefully a good day.
Take care my friend. I appreciate you.
We had a lovely Sunday. Went to M's for brunch with his boys. Watched tv, had a long, long walk to the cemetery where my parents & grandparents are. His idea. Got back, watched TV again then sis & bf turned up late in the arvo it was nice to see them. They'd had a big night drinking with a couple of friends. So much for lockdown rules. Disappointing. When I told him little miss & her dad were visiting outside the 5klms he said how can they just break the law. I don't know if he was being sarcastic. I realised when I asked M who would be at his house for brunch he must have thought I didn't want to go if sis was there. That wasn't my concern. I had been thinking that I don't believe he'll sell his house so I asked M if he'd told his boys about it. He said not yet, spoke about what he wanted to fix/change. Told him not to over capitalise and then he told me plans might change. They might sell their townhouse instead as it's vacant. He quickly said his sis won't want to stay at his she might bulldoze hers and build her dream home or buy with bf. She wants to build where their mums house is but mum doesn't want to move. We both agreed she can't force her to. Not sure if the sis agrees. When she wants something she gets it. I asked where her and bf would live if she bulldozed hers and built and he said maybe with his mum.
I know they have alot to work out/hink about but I don't even know what to think or believe anymore. I'm not privy to anything, I feel that sis won't move from his but he won't tell me, admit I was right. I was tempted to say this time next year we'll be having this same conversation. He was distracted I felt, he said he was just chillin. Maybe he missed his dad, maybe he's sick of me as I've been so angry and upset lately, maybe he knows things are up in the air with their plans. He knows how I feel about all that.
I don't even know anything anymore. My overthinking has turned a nice day into a confusing day because I know he doesn't speak up so I'm feeling I can't trust his thoughts.
Just on the house situation , really , it's understandable it's such a big decision. M's isn't cut and dry there's the kids, you and him and those future plans, your kids, his families set up and properties, sis's part ownership. lt's just that say even in my situation , 3yrs l've been tossing everything around with my place and what to do , when , go where , and gf and l have been talking about it all right through too , yet l'm still not sure. Finally l think l've made a decision but now that is still depending on some other things and how they go to as yet.
Sounds like sis and bf will be on their way out though so at least that's something eh. l still can't believe she managed to fall into something new so soon , that actually sounds like it's a keeper, could be a blessing for you i the end though. Surely they'll want their own place sooner or later.
Yes there is lots to think about. He said he wanted to sell to pay back his sis and have no mortgage. Now it's sell the townhouse and use the money to fix his place bit it sounds like alot he wants to do. Alot for a nan with 2 adult boys, and what about the mortgage then? The townhouseis owned by the family. His house is quite big too when he started redoing the driveway and front fence I knew he wasn't going anywhere and I told him. Guess I was right.
Yeah, sis ' bf is a keeper. He's great but I hope when he says she/they will live at their mum's if she builds that's it's not again just saying what he thinks I want to hear. I did also tell M a while back that I reckon her bf would move in there before she moves out.
When he spoke about her building he said straight away she won't stay at his, she'll want to move. Unfortunately I won't believe it till I see it. I know he says I'm not there. I don't hear everything but I see it. She dominates and gets what she wants, he doesn't stand up to her. I've told him how I see it and he knows it.