Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[Guest_1584]

lt would be so nice to just be free to drop in , you n m , sit together, hold, talk , come and go freely , your not crazy missing such normal and beautiful things between 2 people. At least her bloody house is coming right.

[CMF]

Can't slleep...again.

She has a house. She lives with him cos she helped financially when he divorced. The build I mentioned is a dream she has. Who knows when that will happen. If/when it does she'll be 3 houses away and just walk on anytime.
I just need to remember not to drop on there for coffee, especially when I haven't had much quality time with M. Don't get me wrong,I have 'limitations too but mine is a 7 year old ,bit different.

[CMF]

Anxiety rising. I can't do it. Can't have 2 of them against me. I feel suffocated. Can't have an opinion if it goes against him cos she will jump in to side with him. At the moment I feel it's all about cycling, cycling gear, her training,what they watch on t.v.. I may be exaggerating but I'm feeling overwhelmed by many things. School going back, work, level crossing removals affecting travel time. It's too much and he doesn't understand anxiety, despite trying. Her jumping in telling me I chose to have kids and part of that is teaching them was out of line. She doesn't have kids, how would she even know how it feels to home school and work. I was talking to M, he is a teacher. It was a personal conversation and not her place to jump in and comment. She was in the family room doing work stuff, we were in the kitchen , not her business and I'm bloody over it. I'm gonna lose my sh$% really soon.

[Sophie_M]

Dear CMF,

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear how overwhelmed you are feeling. We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 
 

[CMF]

Hi Sophie,

I'm ok, thank you. I'm very sad and feeling anxious.Drove to work crying and very tired.

I just feel like going to bed and crying.

[CMF]

Had rant to M.told him how I feel and why (again). Told him nothing changes. I know he still doesn't see the issue, said it's part of being a family and I'm part of the family. Pointed out his family set up is not normal, he agreed. He said it's good we are all comfortable around each other but told him I'm not. I'm not comfortable cos I can't speak freely without others commenting. I can't have a conversation without interruptions . Told him he obviously doesn't get me but he said he does in retrospect but in the moment he doesn't see the things happening that upset. Told him I've brought it up 3 times, like a broken record. Told him I don't want to hear about overseas trips ,which include him, whilst at the dinner table yet he s never told me. He said she's just expressing her dream. Told him I see his life being organised for him. He asked what he can do.i can't tell him the issue is her living there. He asked what he can say, told him it's more what he doesn't say. Told him I'm so confused. She sits there telling everyone they are going overseas, he says he knows nothing about it even though she was telling him where they are going. Clearly there must have been a discussion? She told him where they are going, right in front of me. He says I stress too much about little things that he would tell me important things. Told him I don't want to walk in and hear ' did M tell you...'. It takes the pleasure away from him telling me and from hearing it from him. I want to hear it1st hand. I should be the one he wants to tell first.i had no time to be in a relationship with him before she moved in. I can't take it.

[Guest_1584]

hmmm , damn . Square one again eh . Back to what l always say , a morning person never gets a not morning person , a non spacey person never gets a spacey person. A people person never seems to miss or need the down times or me and us time , hence m can't even see it let alone understand it , doesn't miss it or see anything wrong with it like this. Weird isn't it you'd think being a teacher of all things he'd need it more than most after normally being around 100s of people and kids all day and getting home to an in your face sister. But he just doesn't . Cm , l think the best you can hope for is to teach him what you need in this too , won't be easy and he still won't understand it but at least he's kind of willing.

[CMF]

Hey rx,

Hope you're doing ok. You always sum it up so well. Yes he is trying to understand which I appreciate. I have used the teacher example. What would he do of a student behaved that way? Interrupted while he was in a conversation? He laughed it off lol.

[CMF]

I feel really crap and pretty sad.Today my teenage daughter and her friend went shopping with M's son. i also went shopping. last night M suggested i go past for a coffee today. I hesitated, given that we have had a chat, I've told him how i feel when I'm there and i said i would not be dropping in for coffee anymore. i said i guess i could meet the girls there after shopping and could then take my daughters friend home. As we were all getting ready to go out i started thinking about it and feeling quite agitated. I decided i did not want to go there for a coffee, despite the fact i really wanted to see M. After our chat i was surprised he suggested it, maybe he thinks i am not serious about how i feel when his sis is there? My son needed a lift somewhere so i messaged M and told him that the kids were still shopping and i was going home to drop off my son. I can't believe i need to do this to make a point and avoid feeling upset and anxious. I can't believe that i am not comfortable going to see my partner and being in his own home. There is a possibility his sis was out, he didn't mention it and shouldn't have to. I should not feel like i don't want to go there. Was chatting to my teenage daughter about it last night. She pointed out that she finds M's sis quite dominating and when having a discussion, is m's sis does not agree my daughter just stops talking as she feel shut down by her. My 16 yo daughter feels the same as i do. She understands how i feel. I'm sure m says noting to her cos he knows she will get her nose out of joint and he doesn't want tension , she will probably make snide remarks, but it's causing tension between he and i, tension for me. She is a very dominant person and the way she still bags his ex, even though we've all moved on just proves it. I feel his ex doesn't make and effort to see her kids cos of her, cos she has moved in and taken over. Pushing out their mother like she wanted to. Unfortunately M doesn't see this. I understand he doesn't care the boys don't need their mum, in fact he is glad, but the way it's been done is not nice. I don't think M will ever have an amicable relationship with his ex cos of his sis, always digging the knife in . I don't want to go see M cos of her. Bit of a pattern happening. i wonder if she takes over when i am there cos she wants him to herself? Maybe, deep down, there is a jealously toward me and the relationship i have with him? The relationship she doesn't have with her BF?

[Guest_1584]

Hey cm n thx for that. Been better , big daughter probs last wk but praying we can get things back on even for her.

l thought all that about the sis but she also sounded really nice and welcoming to so l was kinda getting this maybe pretty unself aware thing from her, talks over and stuff , sounds like she would love you in the clan though at least. She shouldn't bag the.ex m so bad for the kids and m .