Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Hi Tim,

Had a nice quiet evening watching Netflix, in fact, most of the day. M rang on his lunch break to see how I we and I was able to tell him how I felt. He was sincerely sorry. Didn't mean to upset me with his jokes and didn't call as wanted to allow me to rest also didn't ask if I needed anything as I can just ask if I do. Guess we are still learning about each other. I learnt in a course last week that I tend to have high expectations of others, that they are like me. Need to adjust my expectations . Spoke to M again last night, he asked me to help him stay on track with his assignments. Nice to feel involved. I'm from work today as I contacted my office manager to inform her how I was feeling and if I should stay away from the office even if I feel better today. She kindly asked that I stay home today and keep her posted daily. A colleague's daughter is being tested. Asked the Dr 's receptionist today her thoughts, Fairly certain I just have a cold.

[CMF]

I'm feeling anxious. Have a cold and my workplace preferred me not to go in. We have kept in touch and all is fine, they are looking forward to me going back on Monday. I was very disappointed today. I was in a queue of people outside Aldi waiting for it to open at 9am. Near the front was a pensioner with a trolley full to the brim including toilet paper, from Coles. Clearly she did her shop between 7 and 8am, her allocated time but then lined up outside Aldi for more. So upset this is what it's come to. I ended up walking away but called an older gentleman behind me, who looked tired and defeated, and gave him my spot. Feel like world's gone crazy. How do people who work get to stock up on things 'just in case? Why aren't the media promoting the fact supermarkets will be open if we go into lockdown?

[smallwolf]

that was a very kind act you performed for that older person.

... and you are right the world has gone crazy and any positive news perhaps won't "sell". Rather we will get an article on how to make own hand sanitiser and those ingredients probably will not be available either. Thing is, the herd mentality means that people do not want to miss out.

flip the coin....

I also work in the office at church and groups are not renting facilities at the moment. People are self-isolating and we need to make sure that self-isolation does not lead to loneliness and solitary-confinement. To those who we have been speaking to we have also been offering our support. One lady created a support group for a few suburbs around us as well.

hope you have an OK weekend.

[CMF]

Hi,

Well, what a crazy week. My work is businesses as usual for now till there is a change
Most people working from home but reception required in the office. Had a fallout with the girl who does all her personal stuff. It had to happen. Happened for a reason. Gonna be interesting. Little Miss turned 7, we made it as fun as possible. Didn't see M today. We can't go anywhere so he seemed to assume we wouldn't see each other but did ask if I'd pop round. Said I might but had a busy morning, started painting my house and didn't feel like it. I didn't want to just sit there with them either. I didn't message him 'goodmorning'. as I was busy but neither did he which I found interesting. I eventually rang later. Will be an interesting year. He is busy with study and if we can't see each other cos of the virus...well...that's ok.we are not all over each other, no need but curious to see how I'll feel. Wouldnt be surprised if he's too busy for me.He has his sis there, the 'happy family' probably won't miss me .I'm more on my own. Oh well, I don't care.

[quirkywords]

CMF

hese times make us think a lot. We wonder what if this happens, what if he is too busy, what if etc.

t is early days and people change and times change. People could really miss those they do not see as much and not take people for granted. Relationships may be strained or strengthened.

When some people say they don't care, It may mean they really do.

I know when I say I don't care, I do but am frustrated at how things are.

Take care

[CMF]

Yeah I think 'I don't care is my defense mechanism.
Messaged him yesterday morning and joked that I'll see him in a few months. He said nothing about it.
We spoke last night but I was exhausted. No mention of the situation of not seeing each other so I feel we're up in the air . Thought he may have brought it upI'm not going to chase anyone, if we can visit he can visit me too. Also, as it's always me going there i tjought be may say something. In the past I've told him he doesn't keep me informed of things, again i feel this. I have no other adult at home, he has his sis and this stupid situation where they have each other but what do I get. Am I being irrational, over emotional? Don't ring me and say 'what else can you tell me'. Maybe have nothing to talk about cos his talks are with his sis, why repeat things to me.i might step back a bit, wanna see what I get from him besides just a beautiful Sunday outing, which we can't have at the moment. Maybe he is missing me or maybe he s happy just cycling, or maybe he s too busy? I want to feel like more than just a Sunday date 😔

[CMF]

Well. After that rant I feel better. M came past yoday6to check I was ok and as my kids are with their dad we spent some time together tonight,following all the rules. Finally we could talk, uninterrupted. No need to bring up how I was feeling. I'm starting to realise I get there feelings when I've had no time with him. We know we love each other. For now things may be tricky with the rules in place but it's ok. Others are in worse situations. This just makes me more grateful that we have each other and he does spoil me. I know he s missed me, Looking back, i think he was disappointed I didn't go there Sunday.

Cmf x

[CMF]

and I'm gonna lose my sh%$ again

[Birdy77]

Hey CMF,

I hope you are ok, if you want to talk about what's happened?

It seems like it's up and down and up and down at the moment.

Be good to you ok?

Be careful with these new rules too ... i know it's a lot ...

I hope you're ok,

🌻birdy

[CMF]

Hi Birdy,

I'm ok. Yes it is up and down. I am lucky to still be at work but it is becoming depressing as most of the shops in the street have closed and it is like a ghost town. Most of our office is working from home and we don't know how long we will keep going into the office. If they close the office we may need to use leave or something. we just don't know anymore as yet. I don't see how they can close the office and keys need to be collected and docs dropped off etc. Anyway, M came past to cut down some trees for me. I asked if he had time to stay and hold a ladder for me so i could get on the roof to paint (I'm painting my house) but he told me he had to be home in a hour as he needed to clean out the shed for his sis so she could do her body building training. He then removed my back security door so i could paint the back door and suggested my son could help me put it back on. All good in theory but i was so exhausted, had sore ribs from a fall and couldn't explain properly to my son what i needed from him to put the door back (it is wrought iron and very very heavy) and so i just lost it. Messaged M to tell him i couldn't put door on and his reply was to tell me now to do it and to be patient. Don't think he realised i was tired and sore so then the whole thing of him having to be back in an hour cos of his sis just got to me. Again i feel she is just taking over the household and he just goes with it.I know he is indebted to her but I'm finding it hard to be see us as him and me. Its him, me and her. I asked about the shed today and he said it looks great, but he says that about many things. It sounded like he was under pressure from her to be home in an hour but what about me? i needed help but no, it was her ruling. I messaged a few days ago about us maybe not being able to see each other, he didn't say much but tonight he mentioned that he spoke to me about to as he saw something on the front page of the paper. I pointed out that he did not discuss anything with me, despite the fact i brought it up so i don't know who he discussed it with but i feel it should have been me, but no discussion with me about it. He probably spoke to his sis about it but it should have been me. Anyway, we can see each other, so i can go there on Sunday, but i don't feel i want to, not with his sis and every one there cos i will just fade into the background as they talk round me.

I just want to get on the roof and paint. I wonder if he can help me with that?