Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[Doolhof]

HI CMF,

That feeling of not being able to cope can be very overwhelming! I know that feeling of wanting it all to be done.

The thing is, there is always the next moment in time to experience that can be so much better than the last minute of your life.

I don't know what is going on for you CMF apart from what I have briefly read here.

I hope you have been able to reach out to someone for help and understanding.

Regards from Doolhof

[CMF]

Hi Sophie and Dools,

Thank you for posting. I am fine and safe. I just feel i am being pulled in all directions by work, kids, family. My teenage daughter , i feel, expects so much from me yet not from her father and i just can't do it so she gets upset with me but is ok with her dad not being around and doing anything. We had a big argument this morning over it. Work has been busy which is great however our office has been recently renovated and the photocopier, mail trays etc are at the other end of the office so i feel all i do is go up and down the hallway. We need to maintain the cleanliness of the boardroom, glasses, water etc but the kitchen is down the hallway and downstairs. I have a sore shoulder and it is not so easy at times to carry the tray but i do it. we have expressed that why the mail tray should be near reception but they disregard us and do what others want. I like being able to get up and move around but feel i am the only one that does it and as i am so proud of my work ethic i will continue to do it. I haven't been sleeping very well, so tired as well. Yesterday i attended a course for work. Dropped off little miss at 7.15am, met some colleagues at work as i drove us. Due to traffic and pouring rain it took over an hour to get there. i got nothing out of it as it is stuff i used to teach myself, plus i have experience. Git back to work, after 2pm, my colleague went to lunch, I didn't bother as it was then 3pm and work to do so it was a long day with no break and lots of driving. Today alot of the office were at a conference so i was on my own. I had senior staff requiring important things that t i couldn't do, couldn't find passwords or log ins. I found a way and it worked but still the fact that they all just go and do not consider these things is frustrating. i am now going to ask to be taught. Also the lack of support from another department is just selfish and no one cares or manages it.

Very frustrated and tired.

[quirkywords]

CMF

I feel the frustration in your words and you would be tired after the week you have had.

I hope you get time with M or even telling him how tired you feel.

Take care

Quirky

[CMF]

Thanks Quirky,

Haven't really spoken yo6M last 2 days as ive6 even so tired and went to bed early but had a big vent tonight. My basis has made me quite detached. I asked this morning if he could pick up little miss from after care by 6pm if I couldn't leave work on time and was late, he said no problem,but he called st 6.15pm and was just leaving work. He'd had a funeral, go e to work and was catching up. Obviously he couldn't have made it, I guess he forgot, who knows, I didn't care, but c clearly it's true, can't rely on anyone to help with little miss. Anyway, not going there tomorrow, over that. Think he s busy any way ad didn't mention it. Not sure I'd like to live together one day, don't know. God will be another 10 years, who can be bothered. Whatever

[CMF]

Didn't go to M's yesterday and i didn't say i would or not wouldn't, he didn't ask. I usually go around 4pm, he rang at 3.50pm a nd asked what I was up to. I was out shopping, he was on his way out to pick up his son so wouldn't have been home any way. I don't know if he was so busy he didn't think to mention it or maybe w a iting for me to say i was going over, who knows. Had another vent to him last night and said he wants me in a better mood today . He sees positives in everything but I'm so, so tired and shoulder pain is wearing me down. On a good note, we received an invite to his aunt's 65th bday. It was to M, me and his boys. I was almost expecting it to be m, his sis, me and the boys seeing as they live together. It was sent via text so obviously she got her own text but it felt nice to not feel like 3 of us in the relationship. It's a long weekend. M asked if little miss is sleeping at her dad's. He hasn't said anything so I think no. M may have been thinking I could sleep at his, we have NEVER, spent a night together lol. Thing is, I don't want to. Not with his boys and sis there

[CMF]

Had alone time again! Sis not there when I arrived so we were able to chat. Went for a beautiful lunch, got home sis still not home so we actually sat and watched a movie. I jokingly made a big deal a great about it...till his sis came home and boys came out of their rooms and that was end of that. Then they all left again and I joked how i actually thought we were going to watch a movie. We both laughed, M said yes that I need a quiet household. I really do, the interruptions drive me mad but i guess it's part of being together, loving and accepting each other. His sis is lovely to me, guess I need to remember I'm the new one to the family, she lives there for a reason, the are very close but I know he adores me and spoils me. He s a good man, and treats women with respect.

I'm very blesded.

Cmf x

[CMF]

So, after being so lucky to pick up extra hours at work i am back into normal routine which means i have had a few days off.. I was able to catch up on quite a few things and have bit of a relax. It's also meant i have had time to overthink. Saturday week is M's sis' 40th bday party. It is in he afternoon, she has booked a venue/bar. Last Sunday his sis was suggesting to his son what to wear - levis and a jacket. M told me i need to dress up, told me to wear the dress i wore to a work do last year as he is wearing a suit. I questioned this as the work do was cocktail dress at Crown Palladium, he said yes the bday is dressy, guys need to wear a jacket, i questioned the fact the the bday is in the afternoon (in a bar). Personally,i think he will look ridiculous in a suit. Surely nice pants and a jacket will suffice as i plan to wear pants and a nice top with heels. I started to feel that he is going all out for her bday and am dreading it again as i am picturing him drinking and socialising, and me feeling left out as i don't and won't drink, and he does tend to focus on others as he is so sociable. Asked again a a few nights ago about the dress code , he again said dressy , i again questioned this and he asked if i had another dress to which i told him no, he said very reassuringly I could wear whatever i liked. I decided to check the invite today (FB invite) and it stated Dress Code - Sunday Best- Smart Casual. So which is it Smart causal can mean jeans, Sunday Best is a little more dressed up. I really hope he is not wearing a suit, it is not a bloody wedding. I think i'm feeling like they are playing happy families again, she is dressing them the way she wants for her party and i get told I can wear whatever i like. Aren't he and i the couple? Should he and i be coordinating what we will wear, not him and her? I mentioned to him over lunch Sunday that i will not be doing anything for my 50th, he didn't say much. I guess i may ask closer to the date what he is wearing and if he says a suit i may tell him I think it is too dressy and is it what he wants to wear or what he has been told to wear. She is wearing a white jumpsuit, do they want to look like bride and groom? My work friend whom i vented to a while ago asked if she had a big brother 'attraction' to him. She again kissed him after being out Sunday , it's not a little peck, it's a gentle MWAH kiss like they haven't seen each other for ages, which i find creepy as they live together.

[CMF]

So I'm a little upset. I had a bit of a tickly throat, stuffy nose last few days. M and I have been talking about THE virus as I was a little anxious about my family getting sick . He tells me we he would all be fine if w ed got it. Today I have sore throat, bit achey and cold, runny nose. Im not worried, judt a cold . Today he had uni w with strangers, he wasn't worried. He messaged me, was gonna come over but changed his mind wjen told him how I was feeling, said didn't want to spread it when I questioned he was never concerned about THE virus. So I'm peeved, knows I'm on my own with kids but he didn't ask if I needed anything or even call. I'm peeved cos he was ok to go to uni nd he s fine with going to his sis 40th party next week , who knows who the huests have been in contract with, but he couldn't visit me cos I have a cold or ask if I needed anything.

Majorly peeved

[CMF]

Ok I know why I'm so upset. It's not cos he didnt come over, it's because i felt he was insensitive to the fact I wasn't feeling well. How I was feeling did not seem to be a concern. Instead of Coronavirus jokes I would have appreciated a call to see if I was ok and if I needed anything. I feel like I'm just a Sunday date. If he didn't have uni today would he have still wanted to go out today knowing I'm not 100%? I'm feel I better with Panadol. He was disappointed he couldn't cycle this weekend but all I get is jokes and silly pic of his son in a gas mask.

Guess I'll have a lot to say tonight. I'm so upset over the the lack of sensitivity.

[smallwolf]

Hi CMF,

You mentioned the virus in your post. My wife was out shopping today and mentioned the doomsday shoppers in places like Woolies and Coles. In the space where I work it is getting quite close, as someone I know has been been tested and while expected to come back negative it is scaring lots of people.

Tell me, how did you spend the night?

Tim