Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[quirkywords]

CMF

What a difference in your two posts two days apart.

Do you think when you are tired and have a lot on that everything seems worse? I understand as a single mum you have a lot of responsibility. Teenage boys as you know do like to horseplay with little children and have no concept of quiet time.

hope you work out the logistics for next week.

I can feel your frustration. I think people who have it easy don't realise that until they don't have it.

I have always admired the way you can express your thoughts and then work through things.

I like you had a alone private time with M.

Quirky

[CMF]

Hi Quirky,

Yes, being so tired does make everything worse. I was excited about M's bday till i found out about the training session which stressed me out and then i was so tired, plus little miss running around when we got there and it all just compounded. I am used to living a quiet life, their house is so loud and busy.

I think we have worked out the logistics for next week. I am meeting a colleague at her office and we will work it out together. we had a good chuckle today as she too does not like to drive anywhere out of her comfort zone so it will be the blind leading the blind. We joked about ending up on the other side of Victoria but i'm sure we will be fine. The company is organising off street parking for us so that will help.

I do think i am hormonal also. Hot flushes back the last few weeks, frustrating day at work today and not a great sleep. I'm working again this Saturday and next Wednesday. I'm so grateful for the extra hours despite being so tired.

[CMF]

Had a great day at work today. It was our fundraiser day and a great vibe. Did some shopping afterward, then M's for a coffee. Why? After last week i told my self i wouldn't go on a Saturday anymore. I sit and watch him and his sis chat or her interrupting to tell us her stuff so my conversation is lost. I've told him in the past it annoys me but i guess it doesn't affect him. It's all about her 40th and how people are shocked to hear she will be 40 or her body building blah blah blah. I know she is excited and wants to share but I'm over it. I'm so over it i will not be doing anything for my 50th. i don't want or need the fuss or attention. Last year we had M's 50th lunch, his son's 16th dinner, his other son's 18th party, this year his mum's 70th lunch, his cousin's 40th drinks and his sis' 40th coming up. I'm so over it so i am going to make a point about not doing anything. I don't need the fuss or attention. I want to enjoy it MY way and parties and drinks are not my thing. i don't like them and i wont do it cos other's say i should. I'm just over it. Not going there for coffee on a Saturday anymore, not doing anything for my 50th. Done!

[CMF]

The day oF his sis 40th is the day of little miss school fete. My teenage daughter is performing with her school a also. I've told his sis that I don't know what time we'll get there. I'm actually hoping my daughter's performing in the afternoon so we spend less time at the bday. I know that's not nice but even though it's an afternoon thing it's at a bar. M likes to drink and rolls his eyes at jme when I just have water. He"ll ne budy partying I'm guessing and I'm not interested in drinking. I'm sure they'll all get drunk, I have no interest. I'm really dreading it, even a little anxious. M is great to me and with me when it's us 2 but I'm really over being around him and her. She has to kiss him when she geys home from work when I'm there, don't know about other dayd but he c ommented that since training/losing weight her face is bony when he gives her a kiss. It's weird but more her than him. I get there later on Sundays and leave earlier if she is there. I won't go on Saturday's anymore cos there's no point. I feel like I'm just not prepared to be in situations I don't like anymore .
Go me!

[quirkywords]

CMF

Thanks for sharing your insights into your life. I like the way you are working out what works for yourself and what does not. You can decide what social events suit you . I hope that helps you navigate Ms family events.

[CMF]

Thanks Quirky ,

Just him and I (& our kids) is great. He is a wonderful, respectful man and his sis is great but always around irritates me. I wonder if he'll even notice that I go less or spend less time there? Probably not. I am aware I have had some anxiety this week do I know my thoughts are running rampant. I don't have anymore Saturday shifts at the moment and I feel sad about it. I want to ask my colleague if she wants me to keep doing them but i don't want her to feel I'm taking the hours from her even though she doesn't need them. 21, filthy rich family, 3 jobs. She may not want the hours, may have been doing them cos no one else could (she is accomodating) but not sdure6. I could do with the extra for sure. Not sure how to approach it. I got a routine going and have front office in order. I wNt6to continue that. I'm anxious about someone messing it up .

[CMF]

Exhausted, not a good sleep. Did some shopping before going to m's today. It's some 'me 'time. Bumped into some relos of his and stopped to chat. They love that we are together as they never liked his ex wife who was cold and very unhospitable. They embraced me so much but accidentally called me by his ex's name which i found hilarious. When i got to M's i i told them and we all laughed so much. We had pancakes which i don't usually enjoy but i realised that M and his family probably consider me part of the family and like me being there. M and i then went for a lovely lunch. Felt much better as i was able to talk to him uninterrupted and i can feel the love so much. Went back to his and happily chatted to his sis about her body building and she suggested i do it with her. She was kind enough to give me a small shoulder massage as i have been in alot of pain. I realised that when i have some alone time with m i am happy to be around everyone else and chat about body building, bdays , shopping etc . I notice i just find it hard when i haven't seen him all week and can't talk to him properly. I know Sunday is our 'date day' and he spoils me so much when we go out so maybe it is a good idea not to go on Saturdays as i know why i find it frustrating so i might avoid it for a while.

[CMF]

Feeling so down and tired. Had a massage on sore shoulder and neck, may need a few treatments. Have some anxiety. Have to go to work today so my colleagues can go on a course then I go tomorrow. My colleague eho does allher personal stuff acting strange, pouncing on work to be done, treating me like i don't know how to do things. I wonder if she's been spoken to and is trying to look like emiyee of thr year now. Made me very anxious Monday. I feel like crying, got very upset with little miss last night who wouldn't brush her teeth or do her reading and she drags her feet in the mornings I don't work so we' re always rushing. Told m e she doesn't like brushing teeth cos doesn't know how long to brush for, we can fix this . also woke at 4am and decided to put her school dress on so she'd be ready early. She then climbed into bed with me and went back to sleep. My heart melts. Og course i feel like a terrible mum for getting upset with her. I'm so sad 😔

[CMF]

I'm so done.

[Sophie_M]

Hi CMF,

It sounds like you're really struggling, what's happening for you? Are you safe? Feel free to call Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 if you need further support today.

Beyond Blue