Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

So yesterday we had a morning tea at work and KK. I don't work 'Wednesday's but made the effort and went in. What a mistake. Some people in our rental department is quite clicky. They are young, mid 20's and think the sun sines out of their butts. Having said that, i have the same lunch break as them and have always sat with them in the lunch room. If they go out though they never invite me. I'm not part of their team but i consider myself an all rounder and don't believe we should be segregated by departments. As far as i knew we got along well. I am the only receptionist to sit and have lunch with them, the others go home for lunch. Usually reception and rentals don't mix on the lunch room. Anyway, we has someone dress up as Santa yesterday to hand out the kk gifts. As each name was called the 'group' gave a cheer, mainly for the rental/sales team. Well, when my name was called it was dead silent. No clap, no cheer. I went up and collected my gift and you couold hear a pin drop. Needless to say i was extremely hurt. I do not know why i got nothing. We at reception know that we are not highly regarded as the sales/rental team are. There are mature age people at work whom i know are lovely and respect me, but i am hurt. Hurt knowing that these 'kids' i have lunch with everyday I'm at work did not feel i was worthy of a clap or cheer. I was embarrassed and hurt. I am thinking no one else noticed or cared, but i did. I don't think they dislike me, i think that as i am not part of their team or work really closely with them they didn't think to cheer me on. It was embarrassing and has caused hurt and anxiety. i put alot of effort in at work to mix with all staff. i work hard and do everything i can for everyone, unlike my colleague who does nothing but the basics and spend most of the day on personal stuff. the other receptionist who was there got a measly clap, but again, nothing like anyone else got. She also got a dud present worth about $2, it was an insult and i know she was upset. I am upset for her but i have a lovely gift for her tomorrow.

So, i am looking for a new job. i feel disliked, even though i know i am not. i am letting 5 little "millennials' get the better of me.

I still feel sick thinking about it. i have more experience in my little finger than they have all put together. they are not considerate of how others feel, especially their clients as i hear the way they talk about them. It's so disappointing.

[Tess2]

Dear CMF,

What terrible behaviour by your colleagues. You are right to look for a new job, not because of that, but you have not been happy there for sometime, it is not worth it. I think they are appallingly rude people and not worthy of occupying your head and feelings.

you need to focus on what is good in your life.not let this fill your thoughts. Your children sound lovely and how lucky are you to still have a little one.

tess

[CMF]

Yeah. 95% of our calls are for rentals so are the complaints. Pro p wrt managers not returning calls or following through. I know how rude they can be. Oh well, I don't need to be validated by a hand full of kids. The rest of the office is really nice and mature.

I do have a lot of good stuff. Been spending to.e with M's sis and it's been great.

[CMF]

Yeah. 95%25 of our calls are for rentals so are the complaints. Pro p wrt managers not returning calls or following through. I know how rude they can be. Oh well%2c I don%27t need to be validated by a hand full of kids. The rest of the office is really nice and mature.
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%3cbr/%3eI do have a lot of good stuff. Been spending to.e with M%27s sis and it%27s been great.
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[CMF]

Yeah. 95% of our calls are for rentals so are the complaints. Property managers not returning calls or following through. I know how rude they can be. Oh well i don't need to be validated by a hand full of kids. The rest of the office is really nice and mature.
I do have a lot of good stuff. Been spending time with M's sis and it's been great.

[quirkywords]

CMF

i am sorry that some of the younger staff members were inconsiderate but as yiu say you are respected by most of the staff..

i am glad you are focusing on the good things in your life and I hope your 2 weeks if work gies well.

Quirky

[CMF]

It's so hot, can't sleep. Had a good day at work, everyone was normal so no idea what happened Wednesday with the kk /cheering and don't care. I went in like it never happened as I'm sure no one else is thinking about it. M picked up my girls yesterday and they spent the afternoon at his place in the pool. I joined them after work for a swim and dinner. Little Miss swam on her own for the first time, no floaties. M has been determined to teach her. Our boss ar work has declared we can close at 3pm on Xmas eve instead of 5.30pm. Yippee!
I'm focusing on positives.

[CMF]

So the big Xmas shop is on. They said I need to come this time and we were going tomorrow but now M and sis are going tonight. He did say he didn't want to go Sunday as it's our date day and he doesn't have to do much. I'm aware he may be buying my gift. I don't mind they are going, wasn't sure if I wanted to (3rd wheel) but it is sort of the same pattern happening.
Apparently though his ex brother in law and his family are visiting tomorrow. They are good friends with his sis, it's how M met his ex. So maybe it's not date day, he wanted to go to a winery but guess not now. He's teaching another class next year. Told me yesterday but thought he'd told me already. Guess he told his sis. We've been there a bit this week for swim and dinner and I see a bit of the 'happy family thing going on but it's ok. Just how it is for now I guess...or forever.

[CMF]

I wonder when gifts will be from M and I and not M and his sis? I'm sure when he was married gifts weren't from him, his wife and sis.

Ok, I have anxiety at the moment. He's been so great having my girls over for a swim this week while I've been at work but I'm wondering about things.

[CMF]

I wonder when gifts will be from M and I and not M and his sis%3f I%27m sure when he was married gifts weren%27t from him%2c his wife and sis.
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%3cbr/%3eOk%2c I have anxiety at the moment. He%27s been so great having my girls over for a swim this week while I%27ve been at work but I%27m wondering about things.