Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Thx RX,

I just remembered something that happened last week. M came to my place and we went out for lunch. Whilst at lunch she messaged him to comment about a show they had been watching. I found this a bit annoying.I mean, we are out for lunch, is it necessary to message him abut a tv show. I don't mean to make a big deal about a little thing but seriously. They live in the same house, tell him when he gets home, not when he is out with me. Sunday is our 'date day'. We were having lunch and a nice chat and 'ping'. I don't want to be interrupted over a trivial thing when it is our time together. Even though I love her, I felt it is another way that she is always present.

On a positive, M says i have an influence on him, that he listens to what i say, especially in regards to his boys. That was nice to hear.

[Guest_1584]

Heya cm

Yep get that one, we had heaps of things like that , but in all honesty, l never really thought my sis meant that in a bad way , that sorta wasn't really her thing, doesn't really sound like m's does either. Bit insensitive to the sitch yeah buttttt. Mine actually really liked ex .

l mean tbh , l get it , l've got 6 sisters , dealt with allllllll kinds of that stuff, l just can't think how to explain but if l do l'll try. later. l don't think she actually means bad or anything though, sounds like she actually like ya .

Anyway , good luck

rx

[CMF]

Hey rx, you're spot on. She doesn't mean anything bad at all. She is very caring and generous toward me and my family. We are one big family now. I'm not close with my siblings so I find it hard at times, and I'm fully aware of that. It's all good, I just have my moments. It will sort itself out I guess.

Cmf x

[CMF]

So, was talking to M then hear his sis. He had to go suddenly as his sis needed help to move the tv. Internet was not working and on phone to the provider. Said he'd call back...that was 1/2 hour ago.

Oh well, goodnight

[blondguy]

Hey CMF

At the risk of asking a dumb question.....Why did M have his phone on when you were having lunch? Maybe I am old fashioned...doh!....but I would never have my phone on when spending time with a special person

Your Sunday wouldnt have been interrupted and you wouldnt have to hear about a TV show if M's phone was switched to 'mute' Its only common courtesy to 'switch off'....not rocket science

just my 2cents worth if thats okay 🙂

my kindest always Country Music Festival

Paul

[CMF]

Hey Paul,

i don't mind the phone being on, just not the unnecessary text. I see it as an interruption considering we don't see each other much during the week. Anyway, i'm probably whingeing about silly things.

I got my call back last night as i was going to bed

Oh well

[CMF]

put it this way. On Wednesday her bf goes over for dinner and stays the night. I know they are having dinner together so i don't call or text, or if i do it is later when i know they are finished. If he is out, i do not call or text unless it is to say goodnight. I certainly wouldn't text to comment on tv show.

...whatever

[CMF]

Don't know what's wrong with me but I'm questioning a lot of things in my life right now. Everything in fact.

Don't even know why I'm here.

[quirkywords]

CMF

I am sorry you are not sure what is happening and you are doubting and questioning things.

Have you read the quotation on your avatar recently?

Is there a reason you are looking at things the way you are.?

Since I have been reading your thread you have gone through a lot and survived . I see you as a strong woman but now I sense you are tired . I know how hard to get a break from work and children but is there something you can do for yourself.

You put so much time pleasing other people and now your own energy levels need replenishing. Any ideas?

Quirky

[CMF]

Dear Quirky,

You are mind reader.Yes, i am feeling very tired. I don't know why i am looking at things the way i am as it never bothered me before. i am very easy going but at the moment i am picking on every little thing...and i know it! I have some anxiety, i have been having stomach cramps and so busy with work, kids, Christmas. I need to focus on positives;

Monday evening the boom gates got stuck on my way home from work. I was able to u turn and take a different route but it has caused me anxiety. In the mean time M picked up little miss for me. She was rapt! He brought her home as the other kids were home and waited for me. He also left her a toy to play with the concentration as she has a bit of a twitch which his sis treated her for (re align central nervous system). My son has told me that now he has finished school he can pick up little miss if he is home and i get stuck along with my older daughter. Very grateful for my small support network.

Toady my son received his vce results. He did well and is happy. I'm so proud of him.

Daughter won a young scholars award at a top uni. We had an info day on Tuesday so she is very excited.

Little miss is little miss...excited about xmas and fascinated with her elf moving around when we are not looking. $6 has brought so much joy, I love watching her trying to find him and talking to him.

I am hoping next week i will start to feel more excited and stop being so picky and negative. I have wonderful people around me including all of M's family and i am not appreciating it so very dissapointed in myself at the moment. I do need to focus on my avatar 🙂

cmf x