Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Thanks Birdy and Quirky,

Birdy your words were spot on, you understand exactly! I do want to mention something but i also don't want to look pushy or like i have expectations, there may be a valid reason. I'm thinking of asking if he has something on this weekend as his comment about 'what's on this weekend' made me feel he has and he seems to have things on lately that don't involve me, so i don't know where i fit in.

Quirky, i still feel crap, but i'm feeling crap in general lately. I don't know if his sis' bf is not going, he never goes to anything but that is his choice. I wonder if they are so used to not having partner included that they just go on their own. i DO NOT want to be like his sis and her bf and i have told him that. he said we will never be like that.

I do want to say something, if one day we move in together it will be like another divorce for him, he and his sis will need to make a financial split. He says it will happen when older kids move out...whatever.

Next Tuesday little miss has her school carols. i didn't invite him as i know he gets home late and has dinner with his boys and sis. Is this the same as eh has done? Plus little miss' dad may be there. It's not like i've invited all my family and left him out.

Anyway, who cares

[Birdy77]

Dear CMF,

Who cares? We care!

You do need to say something. It's not being pushy, it's being yourself.

If i were you, i would invite him to Little Miss's carols, say something like "i know you probs can't come because of work, dinner, etc, but you're invited anyway ".

You can't continue like this.

You must speak up.

We're here with ya!!

🌻birdy

[CMF]

I don't know what's wrong with me. I never feel this way about things. I know how much he loves me and he hasn't done anything wrong. He's oblivious to all this. I'm so tired and down. I want to dissapear.

[CMF]

Teenage daughter just told me dates we are meant to go to the beach house may be time of the month, if so she won't come. Can't leave 16 home alone.
Guess that's that. Everything controlled by others

[Tess2]

Dear CMF,

you cant go on feeling like this and I get it completed would be feeling terrible . The fact that he is oblivious is a concern to me. He tells you he understands , but is oblivious? His relationship with his sister is deeply embedded , all their lives. It is unlikely to change now, even if she moved out and he moved in with you.

You need to think carefully. I know you love him and he is a good man and loves you, but it takes more than that to make a relationship work.

Is your daughter using the time of the month as an excuse? I thought that would not be a problem in this day and age.

please take care of yourself in this. I know you are feeling anxious and not great right now, but you need to reflect on your needs here.

tess

[CMF]

Hey Tess, he s oblivious to how I'm feeling as I haven't said much. I do feel it compounding now. I know she will always be embedded. I chatted with a colleague, she put alot into perspective for me ie blended family, accommodating each other etc but yes, i need to say something. The beach house was booked and paid for by her, so yes I'm a guest and not obligated to pay, but I still struggle with them organising amongst themselves and us being invited. My daughter isn't making excuses, I know she's not comfy going at that time of the month. I don't know, I'm confused. Yes she will always be there, my question is how much involved as time goes on? Should be less than of her, more of me but doesn't feel like it. I wonder if he forgets to tell me tho he cos he s had a convo with her so it's off his mind. I'm not his main person, he goes home to her. Had a bad day? Probably tells her. Kids got something on? Probably tells her. I probably get it 2nd hand, if at all.

[CMF]

So M and i chatted on our way home from work.The happy sound of his voice always lifts me. He said it feels like we haven't spoken for ages so I did mention that i was feeling a bit 'neglected' or left out as he has things on that didn't involve me. I don't think it clicked but i could feel he is missing me. We chatted and he told me he has been sooooo busy, school reports, organising masses, school fete today. I didn't know the fete was today and he insisted he told me. Told him he didn't, and gently pointed out the other things her hadn't told me till a few days ago. He did admit when he has school reports to do his head is all over the place and when they are done he will be more focused.I have been feeling disconnected and feel if we have some alone time Sunday i will be able ti hat to him now that i've sort of put it out there. The dinner tonight is not a big deal, he had to go home, feed his son who is going away and then go out. I'm guessing he may not even want to go as he has reports to do and has been up since early this morning. He's going with his mum and sis so it may be just a small family thing. I don't know the people, it's not really a big deal.

Anyway, i felt better this arvo, good day at work. I'll see ow it pans out bu i will try and say something. He has admitted he is a slow learner 🙂

[quirkywords]

CMF

am so glad you had a chance to talk to M and you felt listened to.

When I was doing reports it is very busy and exhausting and you cant focus on much else.

Of course he misses you and wants to spend time together but he does has his work and his family.

I believe because of your strong connection with M,it will all work out , it will just take time.

Quirky

[CMF]

Hi Quirky,

It will all be ok. Blended families are challenging i guess i didn't anticipate his sis as well. We all just want m to be happy. He surprised me today. Saturday mornings he goes for a cycle with a group of friends - yes, mamils lol. I went out shopping as i do and late morning i received a text to meet them for lunch. I was surprised and actually asked if he meant to send tat to me. He was a little offend as he signed off with our usual three kisses (xxx) and couldn't believe i would even ask that haha. Anyway, it was only 2 of them cycling so little miss and i met them for lunch, his shout. I really didn't expect it. He knew i would have been shopping nearby and the fact he thought of that shows that he realises we haven't seen much of each other and miss each other. That tells me alot (although i already know, but still it's nice). i asked how the school reports where going and his reaction showed how much work he had to do and how time consuming it is. He said it is like going to work, being busy all day doing your usual thing and then being given 15 hours of work on top of it all. Tonight he has a school mass, then reports, tomorrow morning reports then the arvo is ours. i have the house to myself so hopefully some quality time. I've also just realised something, last year he attended things with his kids on his own, but this year his sis has gone, this is why i feel she is moving in on everything and I'm feeling left out a little. I know she has taken on a motherly role in the home but she is also attending things and being in the family photo as if she is their mother. I think this is what i am struggling with, not only is she living in the same house, she is stepping as their mother in many instances. i'm not sure i agree with this. Even if their mum does not attend and his sis attends instead, I'm not sure she should be in the family photo in her place, i think at some point there needs to be a step back. I'm interested in what others think, can it go too far? The boys are not his not hers. she is there now when their mum isn't but she didn't raise them. i see her infiltrating every part of their lives and i don't think I'm very comfortable with it. She was in the graduation photo like a proud mum. she didn't pay for his education or have any involvement apart from yelling at him for not studying. Everywhere i look there are photos of her with the 3 of them, no wonder i feel like i am visiting a married couple all the time.

[CMF]

Well, m and i spent time together last night ad today - WOW 🙂 He told me he messaged me for lunch yesterday cos he was aware we hadn't really spent much time together, he is so thoughtful. When he dropped me back home he was telling me a story about his sis' bf which opened up an opportunity for me to tell him how i've been feeling. We yarted talking about j=his sis's re;aioship which led to us and how i've been feeling. He was a little shcocked the learn i was startting to feel like a 'visitor'. He had not idea. i made it clear that i am so lucky to have them all in my life. They have all embraced me and vioce versa but as tim,e goes on i sel them beocmng more and more settled and i feel a litlle excluded. Iexplainecd that i used to cook pancakes with him but now i go over and i watch him and his sis cooking them and then cleaning up. I explained that last Sunday they all went to his son's event and when i went over and his sis came home they all started talking about it and i felt left out as i wasn't there. He knows i don't need alot of attention and i acknowledged he has had alot on with work. There were some things he hadn't told me, and he understood i was feeling out of the loop but assured me once the reports were done i would be back in the loop as his mind wouldn't be all over the shop. His sis is so generous. Little miss needs a treatment form her but she is booked out at her clinic so she is going to treat her at home on 'Wednesday. I also mentioned the beach house situation. i know it is an annual thing for them and i know how generous it is to welcome us to go and i hope we can go, but i do feel it is a holiday they booked for them and for me it was take it or leave. Told him it would have been nice to have had it mentioned that they were looking to books something rather than be told 'this is what WE booked, come if you want'. i did point that i understand perhaps they just see me as part of the family and i'm just included, to which he said yes, but again i had to point out the when i go over i feel like I'm visiting a married couple and feel a little left out when they are talking about things they've done or planned etc and i have no idea about it. Anyway, he was glad i told him, as i said, if i don't tell him he doesn't know how i'm feeling and i can't sit at home and be upset about something that i haven't given him the opportunity to know about...and told him i have been upset. Anyway, at least he knows.