Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Thx Pepper,

I agree with with your suggestions. I won't make any decisions till the time arrives. I don't even know what to say to M. They are wanting to include me in their family traditions and I'm rejecting them I don't know why all.of a sudden I'm feeling this way. I think i feel his sis is where I should be. He has her for support. I should be the support. As time goes on I don't feel.we are getting any closer but they are getting more settled. I'm watching this family unit go thru normal teenage kid stuff and even though he tells me, she's there first I know M adores me, he us oblivious to all this but I've noticed when she's around he gravitate to her. He spoils me do much, gave me extra kisses this weekend and i know he misses me. I can't work this out. I guess I've answered my question of what to say to him. Maybe I'm just good at putting a negative spin on positive things? All I see is him having fun with another woman, regardless who it is. There is another woman whom he spends time with and is close to and I don't feel he needs me for anything. I don't care. I'm used to not being needed. I want to go through the things with him, not be told and uninvolved. Last year it didn't bother me, but it's been almost 15 months and I see this pattern of them doing stuff together. Whatever.

[quirkywords]

CMF

I am so sorry you feel low and teary and want more attention than you are getting.

I can see Ms attitude and lack of understanding how you feel is upswwett8ng.

I wonder if som wolf your feelings are hormonal. I know when I am 8n a ,ow place I see everything with a grey tinge.

pepper ahd some good suggestions and I want to acknowledge your feelings are valid and how sad you are feeling. I know some men feel they are doing the right and his sister may put pressure on him to spend time with her.

i hope you feel better soon .

Quirky

[Birdy77]

Dear CMF,

I think your feelings are completely understandable. If i were in your position i would feel the same way.

These feelings keep recurring, so clearly something needs to change. It sounds like it's time to have another talk with M, explain a bit more about how it feels to be you in this situation.

As to what to say, pretty much all the stuff you talk about here - even down to feeling left behind when they stride out together. It's important for you guys as a couple to check in with each other regularly about how you're feeling etc.

These are just some ideas from my perspective:

Maybe you could take the initiative to make some small changes, to start mixing things up a bit. Like, on Sundays it sounds like you go over there, and as you said, you're a guest, visiting "the family". Maybe instead of doing that every Sunday, you could suggest M comes over to your place to hang out, or you and M go for a picnic together. Anything to break up that feeling of you visiting "them" all the time.

I don't know if you wanted to go to the event on Sunday, but i can imagine i would have felt left out in that scenario - maybe you need to be a bit more assertive and say stuff like "I'm on my own on Sunday, is it ok if i come along?" Not ideal because again it's like you're tagging along with them, but you might need to state your place a bit.

It would feel frustrating being 15 months into the relationship and feeling like nothing is moving forward.

Maybe you could think about a timeline for how you'd like things to progress, ask him to do the same thing, see what his thoughts are, and see if you can start coming up with some plans, strategies, something, to feel like you are moving towards your goal of living together.

Just some thoughts.

Be good to yourself.

🌻birdy

[Moonstruck]

Dear CMF....I've held off giving my thoughts on this, as experience shows I am no expert on intimate relationships!!! But....and here's a but coming....I doubt I could have coped this long with this "sister" situation...I would have been pushed to the limit and beyond by now....I don't think you have a "problem"....your feelings are perfectly justified and to be expected in this intolerable threesome situation.

She, however has a massive problem and surely can see she must take not a step, but several hundred steps back and Leave You Two Alone!!. This is an intimate relationship between the 2 of you...and she is not included...no way....

being Queen of the quotes..sorry can't help myself...I recall some lines from The Holiday where an elderly guy is giving advice to a lovelorn Kate Winslet...he says "In the movies, there's a leading lady and there's the best friend....and YOU are the leading lady here, and yet you are acting like (and being treated like) the best friend"....YOU get to create the memories and traditions with him, NOT "the best friend" Someone, anyone, needs to put sister in her place....OUTSIDE your relationship.....oh darling girl...wishing you the best of luck....x

[CMF]

Thanks everyone,

I appreciate your thoughts and suggestions.I am struggling with anxiety at the moment. I know I've been here before and will get though it but at the moment i can't think straight and just want to disappear. Everything i think about is worst case scenario.

Love you all. You are all so understanding and caring.

cmf x

[CMF]

So I've been avoiding something as it has been giving me anxiety Today i got something in the mail so i thought to myself, it's not hard, just do it, then i don't have to think about it anymore. So i did it. It was so simple, took a whole 10 secs, hopefully it will all be done now and i won't keep thinking about the fact i need to do it.

Proud of me for doing it. One less thing on my mind amongst the may other things.

[CMF]

So my anxiety is still hanging around. Tuesday night my older daughter had something with school in the city. It was hard for me to pick her up so M did it for me. However I'm a little confused now. He told me tomorrow night he has a dinner. His grandfather has some relatives here form interstate and they are all going out for dinner. I was not invited. I have met his grandfather many times, went to his 90th birthday, he knows who i am but i was not invited to the dinner nor was it even mentioned to me. I understand that they may think it is too hard for me as i may need someone to look after little miss but still, to be completely excluded hurts me. We have been together 15 months, his whole family knows me, how can i just be left out like this. M mentioned it casually last night when he asked me what i had on for the weekend. I said to him "the weekend?" I was confused, Sunday is our day together, he sounded like he asking a friend...'what's on for the weekend?' Last Sunday i was not asked if i wanted o go ad now this Friday. One minute I'm there for everything, now I'm left out of everything. Maybe his grandfather is paying Friday and it isn't right to invite me and my child, but up till now we have been 'family'. His cousin has a 6 yo, the kids get along well. I don't get it. They can stick their shopping rip where the sun don't shine too. Why would i want to follow them running around a shopping centre while they do all their xmas shopping? I've done mine early to avoid that. Why would i want to interrupt their 'happy family'?

[CMF]

all i need now is to hear his sis has booked the trip overseas and he is going. It would not surprise me if this happens without me knowing about it. M always wonders what our live would have been like had we got married all those years ago. He often wonder is if he would have become complacent and maybe taken me for granted...I think we may have the answer. I'm finding that i he thinks i cannot attend or won't want to attend something he just goes with his family and doesn't even think to ask me. at what point will the relationship become him and me (and our kids) and not him and his sis (and his kids). there seems to be more and more of the latter.

[Birdy77]

Dear CMF,

I would be hurt as well, in your situation, not being invited to the dinner tomorrow night.

M may think that it would be boring for you, with his grandfather's relatives, but why not ask you anyway?

Is M's sister's partner going?

How about saying, "hey, just wondering why i wasn't invited to the dinner tomorrow night, any reason?"

I feel like you need to start being more up front about how you're feeling about day to day issues. He needs to know.

My partner and i didn't move in together until we'd been together just over two years (27 months to be precise).

Around the one year mark i felt so frustrated, hurt, annoyed by what i saw as her complacency and being blasé about our relationship. I wanted the relationship as i thought she was the one.

I was getting increasingly upset, so bit the bullet and arranged a picnic at the botanic gardens one Sunday, told her it was important and i needed to talk. I laid out my feelings, concerns and thoughts and she listened. I told her i wanted the relationship, that i thought we had something special, but that for me, some things needed to change, and put forward some suggestions for things i felt we could to try to improve how things were going.

I see that as the turning point for us, and she mentions it when we're reminiscing, that it woke her up.

I am telling you this because i see some of the issues we had being echoed in your story with M.

Your relationship with M is precious and important, and worth fighting for, even if you have to stick your neck out a bit and speak your truth.

I recommend it, as my partner and i have now been together for the best part of a decade and i know she's my soulmate.

Be brave. Be strong. We're behind you.

🌻birdy

[quirkywords]

CMF

am so sorry you are struggling. This time of year can be stressful trying to get everything down.

I can feel your frustration at you being left out on the grandfathers dinner. Even if you cant go at least you could be be asked and you make the decision about how you feel.

Have you explained to M how you feel about his grandfather's dinner and how you would have liked to be included?

I realise this is one occasion and there have been others.

Are you feeling any different since you last wrote?

Quirky