Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Hi Pepper,

Yes, we were always friends, but somewhere along the line i started to question things, so yes, i believe i was triggered. I am going to try and make the trip to the holiday house with my girls (my son is hoping to get shifts at work).I should be embracing these things, not excluding myself for silly reasons. They consider me part of the family, and vice versa, i should behave accordingly and stop making excuses. We have been invited to go, the house can accommodate all of us. If they didn't want us there M would not have suggested it and they would not have chosen a big house. And yes, maybe i will do the big xmas shop with them. They want me to, so i am no going to say that i feel i am imposing (like i did with the holiday house). Our blended family is beautiful and we are very blessed to have each other. I want to embrace the positives, not look for negatives.

cmf

[Peppermintbach]

Hi CMF & a wave to all,

Again, your latest post made me smile. I love how you’re giving new things a go...venturing out of your comfort zone, embracing change and relating to people in a way that you’re not yet used to. I think that’s brave 🙂

I hope you all have a wonderful time on holidays. If you like, maybe you could suggest that next year, you want to help organise the annual holiday with M...that way, you can feel more included in the decision making process 😉 Just a little suggestion...

I think their annual shopping tradition sounds fun! As they’re obviously introducing you to their family traditions, maybe you could start to do the same...

As in, perhaps you could also start introducing M alone or M & his sister to some of your own family traditions. Obviously you don’t need to invite his sister to every single thing, but maybe every now and then might be nice. That way, it might feel more like a 2-way street over time where you have more of a “say”...mutual sharing. Maybe something to think about (if you like).

I actually see a lot of hope for your beautiful blended family. It may not be what you’re used to and there are still things that might need to be negotiated and discussed further down the track, but you’re on your way to something very special...

Here’s to redefining and renegotiating what family means in new and wonderful ways 🙂

[CMF]

Family traditions...hmmmm. we are going to my brother's for lunch and funnily enough this morning my sis on law messaged me and asked of M and his boys were would be joining us. Told he the boys have lunch with their mother's family and M and his sis will have lunch with their mum but thanked her for thinking of them
We don't do anything else really. They are all coming for dinner this weekend for my son's 18th and I've done Easter here and had them all over with my family. Our families mix really well and it all feels natural. I do wonder though, if his sis didn't live there would I invite her to everything? I may because they are close but if she lived with her by I may not as her and M' s lives wouldn't be so entwined. No big deal, just thoughts. We are one big family but were do we draw the line? Do we need to draw a line? Just thoughts, all good.

Cmf x

[Peppermintbach]

Hi CMF & a wave to all,

I think that’s a very thoughtful question that you’re pondering 🙂

As for drawing a line, and I’m sure you already know this anyway, I believe only you and/or M can decide that (plus maybe yours and M’s children, especially when they become adults).

I know maybe you’re just thinking out loud/self expressing here (which is great)...all any of us can do is offer our opinions, thoughts and ideas. All of which are probably influenced by our own various experiences, biases, beliefs about relationships, values, etc.

Some people believe romantic partners should always be the top priority, other people believe their own parents/family of origin should be their top priority, some people try to juggle multiple relationships as “rotating”/simultaneous top priorities - I probably belong to this “juggler” category. Etc, etc. There are a myriad ways of managing relationships, depending on what each person believes is a priority...

But I think what matters most might be figuring out what suits/works for both you & M. Your relationship is unique to the 2 of you. All the best with things 😉

[Birdy77]

Hi CMF,

I'm really, really glad that you've been feeling a bit better about everything.

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry if i projected any of my own stuff onto your situation, & added fuel to your fire, or was unhelpful in any way.

Pepper is right that every relationship is different & everyone prioritises differently. I know that in my relationship, my partner is my priority & i know that i am her priority. Sorry if i sounded narrowminded saying that i think that's how it should be.

I was putting myself in your shoes & thinking about how i would feel in the situations you've described, that's all.

It's really good that you can recognise when you're triggered. It's healthy, insightful and helpful. Maybe your feelings were more intense because of the triggering, & feeling past hurts on top of current ones.

But it doesn't make your feelings irrational or silly in any way. Sometimes triggers are just a way of a little bell going off reminding us of ways-of-being that have hurt us in the past & that we no longer want in our present, & maybe flagging scenarios that need our attention & maybe readjustment. Triggers can be a call to action as well as an echo from the past.

You said you were being silly & negative, but i don't see that at all, i see you as having valid feelings & having learned from previous experiences how you want your relationships to be. It's important to listen to yourself when you feel uncomfortable.

I guess it is a journey of negotiation and learning each other's ways etc, which takes time.

It's nice that you're joining in on the family stuff for xmas, & terrific that you're going to the beach house with your girls. I'm so glad you've decided to go.

I hope you are having a lovely weekend.

🌻birdy

[CMF]

Dear Birdy,

No apology needed. You could relate to how I was feeling and I appreciated your thoughts. My feelings were real and valid, even if they were triggers or hormones, I still felt that way. Tonight we had an early celebration for my son's 18th. Everyone bought a plate but I felt bad alone. I organised it alone, set up alone and when I forgot to serve Champaign and get family.photos I felt sad. I just couldn't remember everything. When M had his 50th and son's 18th his sis helped. They came together with their mum and left t together. Again it felt like weird, like they are married. Tomorrow his son has something on. They are all.going. Not me. Last night he s said something about when we live together. I s said yeah, when's that ever gonna happen? He jokingly said when we're 80 and I agreed. He said no way, I told him to prove me wrong. Tonight they spoke about the holiday house as my brother and niece & family will be there too but I still felt it's their holiday, the way they spoke about it. Again I don't feel I want to go. Fe earl it will take always be me & 'them, not me & M.

[quirkywords]

CMF

Hi I see you have so much invested I. Your relationship with M , but feel a bit left out and discouraged that you sometimes feel like an after thought.

You have written about how kind M is and how relaxed you are together

It can be hhard for M having time you and your children , his family, his children ,.

He said when you live together and I see that as a positive as he is thinking of that in the future you two will be together. Ok he said when you 80 as a joke in response to you wanting to know when that would be.

You have waited for this kind man and I hope things will work out.

Most couples have issues about when they see each aothers families etc .

I suppose a man who is kind to his fami,y is a kind man who is considerate to others

I do understand that you you wonder what the future will hold for the two of you.

I hope writing here ahelps you.

Quirky

[CMF]

Hi Quirky,

I'm sure tings will work out, but i keep having these negative feelings. I am a little anxious today and quote down. Dropped into M's for a coffee and to drop off somethings he brought for last night. we were sitting having coffee and then his sis got home. All good, we had coffee and cake but then they started talking about schoolies and she was telling story about her experience involving people they know but i don't, they then talk about the event they went to this morning for his son and suddenly i'm on the outer. M showed me photos and explained things but i wasn't there so it meant nothing while they were all excitedly talking bout it. They then discussed the food shopping and what they are gong to have for dinner and i couldn't wait t get out. I wanted to cry all the way home.All i see is this happy family, doing the family stuff like a normal family would.I don;t know if i want to do the xmas shopping trip because i will just be getting dragged around. When we go out all together he and his sis walk together and i am always lagging behind as they are tall and i am small, can;t keep up with them. Not sure about the beach house, don't know if i can handle 4 days in a house with them all together. I will be the 'guest', i have a 6yo to accommodate. I know M wants us to go and he has told me the things little miss will love to do but again i will be on the outer as they are the 'family'. Today i was visiting their home,the 4 of them. The son who finished yr 12 met the school careers counsellor with his mum after he stayed there a few days (after the meltdown)and applied for some uni coursed. this is great but i wonder why this didn't happen with M? I know he is busy with work and is bringing up the boys on his own(well, with his sis) but i feel this was overlooked and i wonder were they too busy doing their own thing that they didn't think to consider what he could do? They were too busy complaining that he didn't study and didn't look past that. This son is catching the train to schoolies and M's mum is taking him,. I often wonder, if his mum wan around who would do it? He never takes sick days but maybe he needs to take some time off for his kids. i get frustrated when people have their mums do the running around, maybe cos i don't have that. I probably jealous, on the other hand, m is picking up my daughter Tuesday night from a school outing as it will be too late for me and i don't drive in he city. I feel a bit sick and upset.

[CMF]

I feel so sad and lonely and I don't know why. Maybe I feel like I'm sharing M ? We are both single parents, but he sort if isn't. Two people to pay bills and food shopping, not to mention the family fun they have.

Whatever, I don't care. I don't want to do the shopping trip and beach house cos I want to create our own memories and traditions, not try and fit into theirs. I don't know. I don't want a relationship of 3, no matter who it's with.

Who cares.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi CMF and a wave to all,

I know you’re feeling left out and upset, and as birdy, Tess, Quirky and all your other lovely friends have said, your feelings are real and valid. I can sense that you’re feeling (understandably) on the “outer”...I know you’re feeling unheard and hurt, and I think that’s an understandable reaction.

As everyone else has already wisely suggested, you probably really need to have a serious discussion with M at some point. Maybe now is the time to practice some of your assertive skills and really push for a one-on-one chat with him some time.

About the shopping and beach house, I wonder if it would help to hold off any major decision making till you’ve spoken to M first? Or maybe you could give yourself a “cooling off” period before making any major decisions (e.g. if you still feel the same way after the cooling off period then you can go ahead with the cancellation plans)?

Please don’t get me wrong, you have every right to choose not to go. But sometimes, I think it helps to postpone major decision making to moments when we are feeling a little less upset and/or perhaps have consulted with people like partners e.g. M.

I say that with good intentions, and from my own personal experience. But of course, as I said, it’s also your call (and not mine) to make.

All the best with things...thinking of you and hoping you do something nice for yourself tonight.