Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Why am I being so stupid? My thoughts are ridiculous. As soon as I got to Ma's they mentioned I missed out on crepes. I felt bad. We had a lovely day out for lunch, he kept telling how much he loves me. Said when we dated 30 yrs ago he didn't realise what he was looking for was right in front of him. I mentioned the beach house, I may not be able to afford it, he said not to worry, he will cover us but it's too much. The house is booked whether we go or not. I need to help pay for food at least
He wants us there, looked disappointed when I said maybe we can't. Why am I being so negative?

[Quercus]

Hi CMF,

Sorry it took me a while to finally get here. Thank you for checking in on me the other day, I appreciate it.

Reading your recent posts it keeps sticking out that you alternate between feeling on the outer and then feeling guilty for feeling that way.

I think your reaction seems perfectly reasonable. I can understand having a sibling living with you would be a huge help as a single parent but the way you describe their relationship would make me very uncomfortable too.

I know it sounds completely stereotypical, but I have always found (with housemates at uni and from knowing friends with shared houses) that the women in the house can take over and at times make other women uncomfortable even unintentionally. I don't know how to approach this situation because every approach I've seen has failed or caused conflict.

Have you ever wondered what M would say if you asked him and his kids to move in with you? Maybe his son might chose to live with his Aunt and have a bit of independence from Dad (and she'd still have company).

Thinking of you CMF. This must be so uncomfortable for you.

Nat

[Tess2]

Hi CMF,

i don’t think you are being negative, you are not running anyone down, you are just acknowledging how you feel. Your feelings are as valid as M’s or his sisters. It is good that you are able to talk to him about your concerns, which you should keep on doing when it is appropriate.

take care

tess

[CMF]

Thanks Nat,

His sis is amazing and a very strong woman. She is thoughtful and generous...but I've already said all that. As far as moving in with me;

a - not enough room here

b- neither of us is ready

c- it's just way too early for that sort of move with kids doing vce etc.

d- next year he is back at uni part time, he needs space and quiet time

I don't know why i am feeling like this but i am slowly opening up and telling him what i think and feel at times. I know how much he loves me, that's what is important.

cmf x

[CMF]

Thanks Tess,

He is such an open and honest person. I am very lucky. He said yesterday that one thing he knows is that the time we have been apart I have become a stronger woman. This is because of circumstances, I had to become stronger, and he likes that. He likes seeing that 'tough' side of me.We are both very easy going and relaxed together but he likes that i will speak up if need be.

cmf x

[CMF]

ok, so i had a bit of a chuckle on the way home. M wanted new lounges for around the pool. No metal,no moving bits, something that can be hosed down. He found it and they bought it, we are picking it up on the weekend. They had a sun lounge that his sis loved but he hated it as it has metal and the rust has stained the pavers, she wanted another one like it but he said no. Last night he bought the old one over to put in my hard waste rubbish saying his sis will be upset as she bought it and liked it. On my way home i was telling him how someone took it, he told his sis who was 'upset', she said he should have put the chair undercover in winter so it didn't rust. Well, i had to step in there. I told him 'she' should have put it undercover as it was her chair. We had a laugh as M commented that he agreed -he is not her pool 'b*#ch'. We had a good laugh but it is so true. The lounge was hers, she bought it, she should look after it,not blame him for leaving it out. It's the same when he comments her boyfriend has not been over to see her. I point out that she could go see him. I think i now have a way to casually, 'jokingly' say these things and still get my point across. During a chat we has Sunday he agreed that he doesn't see things that i notice and when i mention them he sees my point. I've told him I'm observing them as an outsider and i think he appreciates my insight. Of course i say them gently , and half jokingly, not in a nasty way but I hope i can make points on my observations without it looking like I'm picking. He is so easy going and not much bothers him but i do want him to be aware of some things and not just always take what she says as being right.

It was quite a funny chat about the sun lounge. Pool b*#tch...bahaha.

cmf

[CMF]

I'm upset and confused. M's eldest son was to go for is licence yesterday but his log book hadn't been signed so he wasn't allowed to. Well he had a huge meltdown, blaming M, saying he purposely didn't sign the book, punching /kicking in cupboards, breaking things. He then stayed at a friends house and tonight is staying at his mothers (which he hasn't done since she moved in with her boyfriend and his kids). Before i knew he was at his mums i messaged him and told him he is welcome to come here if he wants. I am upset. Upset that it all happened, upset that his mother does not much for her kids but clearly they need their mum. I am now questioning how they feel about M's sis living with them. She is not their mother but acts like she is. I want to ask M if they considered how the boys would feel having her living there. I'm sure there would have been some discussion but i do remember him telling me that his sis said she was gong to but into his house and move in. She made that decision, of course it suited M as he got to keep the house and they all got to stay in their home, but i wonder how they really feel about it. When M's son came to my place the night before his English exam he told me he didn't want to go home as he was being hammered about studying, mainly by M's sis. When he was breaking things yesterday she grabbed him and told him he better calm down before his dad got home. For him to go to his mum, where he has never spent the night before, tells me he needed to get out of the house and i am wondering if it is because of M's sis. It is making me sick. Do i tell m what i think? Do i leave it? They are playing happy families (as i have told him) but I'm no so sure the eldest son is that happy with the set up. She is stepping on like a mother but she is not his mother. This must make him feel crap,peeved that his own mother is not there for him and also that she is trying to step in and be like a mum. It's causing me anxiety as i don't know what to say or do. i don't want to interfere but i feel like M and his sis are too busy being the 'parents' that maybe they are overlooking things. She has always been a big part of their lives, they are all very close and M's son has had ,meltdowns before and plays the victim, not motivation etc but something is not sitting right. i see how she is a strong dominant woman and i wonder if it is too much for M's son. Have they considered how it affects the kids having her live in the same house? What do i do?

[CMF]

I woke during the night with anxiety. M slept well. I don't know whether to speak up. Things are bugging me - the beach house his sis booked. It's their usual thing but maybe I wanted to plan something with M. Instead I am welcome to go with them. The trip overseas she posted on FB that they we're all going on and is telling people about. M doesn't even know if it is viable for hi.

[CMF]

Oops hit post by accident.
He doesn't know if viable for him and no consideration how I'd feel when I saw that post. She is organising his life. He is very easy going but how much? I exist now. Thought our relationship would be him, me and our kids. Not him, me, our kids and his sister. I need to speak up. We said honesty, need to gently say how it makes me feel.

[Birdy77]

Dear CMF,

I think your feelings are completely understandable.

It seems as though M and his sister are like "the couple" and you are on the outer for a lot of things.

With the beach house, that was organised without even asking you, so i don't think you need to feel obliged to contribute to the cost of renting it - as you said, they are going anyway, so i think it's reasonable for you to contribute your share for food etc, but not for the house.

Expenses aside, i think it would be fair for you to think that M would have asked you first if you wanted to do something special for the summer together, not necessarily with his sister and Mum, and that his sister should have been thoughtful enough not to take over and assume anythung about what you and M might want to do for the holidays.

I know you appreciate them all and feel really included and blessed, but you and M have been together, what, a year or more now? And are "expecting" if not exactly "planning" yet, your future to be together ... and you're both grown adults, not young kids, boyfriend/girlfriend tagging along with the folks - but that is kind of how it sounds to me.

If i was expected to just go along with my partner's family plans without being consulted first, I'd be annoyed. When we are working out family situations, celebrations etc, and there's conflicts of interest or other difficulties, my partner always says to me "it's you and me honey, we work out what suits us, and then we negotiate with the others (parents/siblings etc), but it's you and me". I think that's how it should be, and it sounds to me like that isn't happening in your situation, and M's sister is the "u" in "us" a lot of the time.

Your feelings are valid, understandable and very reasonable.

I hope you are able to have a talk and sort some of this through, because from my perspective it feels like these things will only continue and your frustrations will continue to escalate. Your relationship with M is too important for that.

I hope you manage to find some peace today.

🌻birdy